You couldn't think of any sex Qs?

You asked some questions. And we answered… those questions.

Of course brandy got all “Hey!  Look at me!” and gave much longer answers than mine.  How… RUDE.

(Feel free to submit more Qs.  I might be able to charm brandy into continuing to answer.)

1) dotcomkatie: “I’m running out of ideas and quite frankly going crazy. I am trying to meet a decent man. In order to this, I am aware that one most go out and make an attempt.

Where do I go?! I mean, I’ve tried plenty of places that I think are ideal for meeting good, wholesome men. I’ve got nothing.

Here are some places I’ve tried. Any suggestions on other places?
-Coffee Houses
-Jazz Bars
-Strip Clubs
-Sperm Banks
-AA Meetings”

Peter: Katie, love is not found at some geographic location.  Love lives inside.  And to find love, you must be love.  You must give love.  You must see love.  You must always, always be open to the idea of love finding you.  You cannot fear love.  So, be out there.  In the world.  And if you love, you will be loved.

Or you can just show some cleavage on your blog.

brandy: Katie, Peter is full of it. Finding love isn’t about looking inside, it’s about putting on a white shirt with no bra, going to the bar and giving your nipples a good tweaking before you ‘accidentally’ run into the hot guy with hair so good you almost cry. However. If the bar scene isn’t your style, here are some other places I suggest:

1. Hospitals. Particularly on Sundays. Men feel the need to fix things on the weekend so if you hang out long enough in the emergency waiting room- you will score a hottie with a concussion just looking for a gorgeous nurse to take care of him. The only flaw to this plan is when he regains full mental capabilities, he may not remember you. Just remind him you went all Florence Nightingale on his ass though, and you two should be fine.

2. Airports. Shit goes down in airports Katie. Men are being left by their girlfriends who are flying off to Paris to be an exchange student, or dudes are just coming back from the war- or a particularly grueling vacation with the family. In any of these situations, there is prime grade A manmeat at the airport. Take an empty suitcase, pretend to be lost, ask for directions and be prepared to earn your wings when it comes to love.

3. Grocery Stores. Dude. Single men flock to grocery stores like crows flock to a dead body in a ditch. Get in there. Offer your opinion on the best type of breakfast cereal, or ask his opinion on which type of melon to buy (while of course, holding up melons to your chest). Just when the conversation gets good, say goodbye and then laugh when you just randomly bump into him a few aisles over. The great thing about the grocery store meet up is you get to scout out his cart- which will give you great insight into the kind of man he is. If you spot fabric softener in there? Marry him. Immediately.

Hope that helps!

2) Leah: “Peter, hi! I am VERY intrigued to get your dating advice.

I have been with my man for 3.5 years and we are now the big bad CL (common law). All of my older sisters are getting married/are already married, and while I am not feeling any parental pushing to get hitched, sometimes I go crazy inside and feel the need to have a ring on my finger rightnowthisverysecond, and find myself saying things like “Tim look at this pretty ring. That’s what I would like!” and “Did you so and so just got engaged? And they are the same age as us?!” How can I scale back, focus my efforts elsewhere and stop freaking my wonderful man out?

ALSO, why is it that when I wear a fake engagement ring or wedding band on my finger when I don’t feel like talking to men at bars I get hit on more than usual? I thought it would scare tham away. Alas, no such luck.

Love from,
A fellow Canadian named Leah.”

brandy: Leah, Men are just like anyone else. Tell them they can have any balloon but the red one and they will want the red one. (And yes, I just compared you to a red balloon, in my defense they are my favourite. Especially if I have 99 of them). Keep in mind that someone who is as hot damn gorgeous as you is going to get hit on- regardless if you are wearing a ring or not. It’s best to just tell them the truth- that you are living with a hulk of a dreamboat who is wielding a 10 inch penis, and they will leave you alone. DO NOT tell them you are a lesbian. Learn from my mistake. If a guy thinks there’s a chance you may be making out with another girl that night, his eyes will stay on you like a locked in laser.

As for focusing your efforts elsewhere- dude, I feel you. It’s extremely hard to not compare yourself to everyone else when it feels like the 20something years are just a gigantic race to see who can hit all the milestones first (Marriage! Kids! House! Fulfilling career in your chosen field! Owning a car not covered in No Doubt stickers!). Maybe try a trick I use- it’s called ‘comparing up’. Instead of comparing yourself to other couples you know, compare yourself to those kids in the World Vision commercials or Tara Reid. Once you re-focus on how much you have, it leave no room to focus on what you don’t have. Or look at couples who are fucking awesome and are not married. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Oprah and whatshisface.

If common law is good enough for Oprah, then it’s got to be an awesome choice for us mere mortals, right?

And if none of that works, come and visit me. That has nothing to do with your answer, I just think we would have a fun time together and I could convince you that tequila is always a good choice.

Peter: So you are living together out of wedlock?  DOES HE TOUCH YOU?!?!?!

brandy makes some relatively good points.  At least before her rambling devolved into some kind of US Weekly type name-dropping deal.

I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but we men do understand what happens when our GF’s sisters/friends all start getting married.   I’m guessing he isn’t all that freaked out by it.   He may be playing it up a little to stop you from spreading wedding magazines all over the house and giving him 2 hour speeches on the merits of calla lilies.

As for wearing a ring actually attracting dudes…  A lot of men kinda suck.  True story.  Plus, you know, being very pretty and Canadian will get you lots of attention.  Trust me, I know.

3) Colleen: How should I feel that my younger sister is beating me to the altar, and my invitation arrived sans “and guest”?? Do tell. (And book a flight to Atlanta in September?)

Peter: Marriage is not a race, Colleen.  Though if it was, wouldn’t it be fun if it was a three-legged type deal?  You should feel happy for your sister.  You should support her on the biggest day of her life.  You should be the best big sister you can be.

And then you should totally steal attention by looking stunning in your dress.  Forget your “and guest,” will she?

If I go as your date, can we also visit the Georgia Aquarium?  The first time I saw an ad for that on TV, it blew my mind.  They showed a seahorse!  A seahorse.  I was all “Wow!  It’s a seahorse!”  I didn’t think they were real.  I was completely amazed.

And then I realized that it is Sea MONKEYS that aren’t real.

My mind was less blown.

Still, male sea horses give birth, don’t they?  That’s pretty neat.

brandy: Colleen, I sympathize. As a single girl, I have attended my fair share (and probably the share of all girls living in North America) of weddings sans date. I (strangely) agree with Peter that marriage isn’t a race and besides, once you get married you have no sex and spend all your time arguing over who is going to fix the dishwasher- is that a race you want to win? That’s what I thought. Here are some tips on how to enjoy the day as a single lady:

– Dress to make your grandmother blush. I’m not talking ‘ohh look a glimpse of collarbone’, show yourself off! Go full out! Treat yourself. Your sister is most likely spending a ton of money on the day, so spend a good chunk on yourself and you will feel good walking in, even with no dude by your side.

– Realize that as a single lady without a ring? You are open to any and all single men at the wedding. While the coupled people will be forced to dance with each other, you will be the hot looking bumble bee, buzzing around each man, dancing with whoever has nectar that attracts you the most. (That analogy is starting to get dirty).

– If you do take Peter, ask him to wear his beret. Oh, and get him to pop his collar. He loves doing that.

Good luck and have fun!

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21 Responses

  1. Sid says:

    Calla Lily – we call them Arum Lilies in SA and we associate them with funerals, not weddings.

    When I was in high school, this beggar/street vendor walked by me. He was carrying a bunch of arum or maybe they were St joseph lilies. The beggar guy offered me R5 to show him my lady parts …

  2. Erica says:

    I love finding my sisters in random places on the interblogowebosphere.
    At least your little sister isn’t getting married / having kids before you. Welcome to Breakdown City.

  3. Katie says:

    Brandy- Touche. Your answers were spot on.

    Peter-What the hell? You went all nancy pancy on me!

  4. Colleen says:

    Brandy – great advice. Good thing I already bought a hot dress. Bridesmaid or not, I’m gonna look good. As for meeting any single men there, it won’t happen. I’ve seen the guest list. Those southerners get married young. And the other ones are my cousins. Even I’m not that desperate.

    Pete – yes. You can be my date, and we’ll go gawk at Seahorses in labor. But, despite Brandy’s urging, you may not wear a beret. You’d be ridiculed, and we can’t have that.

    Colleen

  5. brandy says:

    Colleen, Peter lives for ridicule. Trust me on this.

  6. brandy says:

    ALSO Peter? I’m rude? On the contrary, I’m so awesome that I spent time thinking of thoughtful replies. Aspire to be more like me and you’ll be okay.

  7. my question for both of you. what type of man should i date? yes, it’s all about me.

  8. Emmz says:

    Did my arse look big in my question is that why you didn’t play?

  9. Leah says:

    Thank you for taking the time to respond to my life’s biggest queries!

    Brandy – I will think of you when reassuring myself that I have it beter than the African orphans on the tube, and I will also think of you (and curse you) when I ralph due to tequila ingestion. Warning: it’s not going to be pretty. And I will continue to be living with my man, be fucking awesome and NOT MARRIED! That line really pumped me up.

    Peter – Your answer was enlightening, and I think all men (especially the aforementioned “sucky” ones) would agree that you’re right, you probably shouldn’t have said that. But I am glad you did!
    And I do let him touch me, but nothing below the belt. That’s to wait until we can consummate our marriage ;) (KIDDING) (I mean – not kidding, Mom)

  10. Shelley says:

    I’m already an expertologist. Really. Ask me anything.

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