Xena, you dirty little bitch.

Many millions of years ago, there was a love connection.

A boy named “methane and nitrogen” ran into a girl named “a whole mess of rocks and junk.” They didn’t hit it off right away. She had been hurt before. He didn’t want kids. But, a friendship blossomed. Finally, she agreed to let him drive her kids to Vancouver to meet up with her. Hilarity ensued and–

Wait, that may be the premise of ARE WE THERE YET? starring Ice Cube.

Well, “methane and nitrogen” and “a while mess of rocks and junk” actually did get together. They had a few cranberry vodkas and listened to some Al Green. She said that she had to work early the next morning. He told her that she could stay and that he’d take the couch. Then they kissed. And they both knew that nobody was sleeping on the couch.

A planet was formed. That planet is named Pluto.

I hope my backstory wasn’t too scientific or graphic for you.

Jump ahead to 2006 and some “experts” have decided that Pluto isn’t really a planet. It is now a “dwarf planet.” Firstly, I think they prefer to be called “little planets.” And secondly…

Are you kidding me??

Apparently “planetary purists” have long had a problem with Pluto. Planetary pursits. Yeah, that’s a description that is going to get you laid.

I can’t help but think of Walt Disney trying to wrap his half-frozen brain around this when they start thawing his ass out. And what about all the paper-maché and coat hanger 9 planet solar systems in classrooms around the world? Won’t somebody please think of the children?!?

And what about Pluto’s parents? You don’t think that they are disappointed? Pluto’s mother, Mrs. “a whole mess of rocks and junk” even has a bumper sticker on her car that says, “My son is the 9th planet!” Oddly enough she drives a Saturn, but still…

So, scientists find a new rock named “Xena” and begin rethinking the whole thing. Some geeks formulate a plan to bring Xena and a slutty lush friend of hers into the solar system. We have better technology now, so we can see further into space. And if we can see further, then we may find more planets. It makes sense. But, instead they decided to lop out Pluto. How is that progress?

Speaking of these scientists, don’t they have better things to do with their time? For instance, what about using space-age polymers to create new bras that look cute, feel awesome to the wearer, as well as lift AND seperate? I think that is something we can all get behind.

Good bye, Pluto. We hardly knew ye.

0 thoughts on “Xena, you dirty little bitch.

  1. My question is, how am I going to remember the names and order of the planets when I can no longer use “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pies”???

  2. I’m hoping you didn’t get something on the order of a bazillion posts from me since blogger seems to be throwing some kind of fit and refusing to either supply me with letters for my word verification or to acknowledge that I’ve typed them in correctly.

  3. I think it’s highly unfair that these planetary purists didn’t even consult with Pluto to see what he thought of the entire situation. Maybe Pluto has some developmental delays which put him farther behind his more prominent peers such as Jupiter and Saturn. Perhaps he couldn’t help it that he was sat in the back of the class, so far away from the Sun, and he’s more introverted than extrovert so he never thought it right to complain.

    I suspect we will be reading about how Pluto will now be receiving counseling from a licensed planetary psychiatrist and how he suffers from major depression as a result of this news. Poor, poor Pluto…

  4. James: Very good questions. I think your mother is going to have to serve you noodles now. And, yeah, blogger was a pain in the ass yesterday.

    Zeus: I think Saturn is the biggest problem here. always showing off that ring.

    Steph: I didn’t even think about the possibility of Pluto hurting himself. This just keeps getting worse and worse. I can hear the Dashboard Confessional playing out in space already.

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