Who woke THAT guy up?

Most of you know me as “Peter the guy that writes mostly half-assed and fictional blog posts — though some are “fictional,” have a basis in truth and are being used as a way for him to vent without reallllllllly admitting to having big boy thoughts and/or feelings.”

And, let’s face it, we all heart that lanky bastard.

But, on the rarest of occasions, he goes to bed at night and wakes up as…

Cranky Pete.

And that is never good.

Regular Peter usually wakes up, “Good morning. How are you today?”

Cranky Pete wakes up, “Fuck *yaaaaaaaaawn* off.”

Cranky Pete has no patience. Cranky Pete’s fuse is about *this* long. (Please note that Peter’s thumb and forefinger are smushed together.)

Because this would be an odd preamble otherwise, I admit that I woke up as Cranky Pete this morning. Even worse, I woke up as Hungry Cranky Pete — a militant offshoot of regular Cranky Pete.

Mamas hold your babies tight, this is never a good thing.

Cranky Pete immediately grabbed some pseudo gingerbread cookies and starting driving them into himself. (They weren’t “real” gingerbread cookies because all versions of Peter are on a fairly restrictive diet, for reasons that are too mundane to get into.) Cranky Pete likes these cookies. You all would probably find them a bit bland, but Peters have the taste buds and eating habits of a four year old…

Do you have a problem with that?

I didn’t think so.

This morning these cookies reminded Cranky Pete of something else that pisses him off.

The universe enjoys fucking with the Peters.

It’s true.

Peter is introduced to various (store bought) yummy foods that he enjoys. But, as soon as he admits that he likes them, the universe takes them off the market. Honestly. This has happened dozens of times already. It is almost funny at this point.


Peter even found a nice baker lady that lives an hour away. She made all kinds of yummy stuff that a Peter was allowed to eat. Peter placed two orders with her. And then one day mentioned how excited he was to have found this woman and her baking skills. A few days later he placed a call to order more treats (biscuits and waffles!) and she told him that she was having health problems and wasn’t baking anymore.


Apparently the universe was willing to strike this poor innocent woman down just to deprive me of something that I enjoyed. (Apparently I am also bouncing back between “Peter” and “I” in this story.)

It would seem that the universe enjoys showing me things that I’d love but can’t have. So far this includes the aforementioned foods, additional seasons of “Arrested Development,” the Ferrari from “Magnum P.I.,” 100 inch plasma screen TVs, women and Necker Island.

Scientists are still unsure as to what the universe has against Peter.

After the cookies, Cranky Pete grabbed an apple. He went to take a bite and noticed that it looked a little different. The bottom was where it belonged, but the stem was sticking out to the side at a 45 degree angle.

Even though he is perpetually filled with rage, Cranky Pete found this to be an endearing little fruit snack quirk.

Then Cranky Pete wondered how the other apples had treated this one.

Golden delicious, yes. But, tolerant of differences?

This made Pete even crankier.

Cranky Pete grabbed a paper towel and polished up his little apple. (Not a euphemism!!) The apple was unique. Special.

Cranky Pete thought about taking a picture of this apple to celebrate it’s individuality.

But, he ate it instead.

What? I told you he was hungry.

Also, it should be mentioned, Cranky Pete tells pretty shitty stories.

Maybe I should have led with that point.


0 thoughts on “Who woke THAT guy up?

  1. I hope enough time has passed so that this comment will not make cranky Pete even crankier.

    Perhaps you are simplifying the plans of the universe. Maybe the universe is not trying to take away food that you like just for the sake of irritating you. Perhaps the universe is trying to tell you to become a baker as a step toward becoming the author the best selling cookbook series of all time. Yes, I know a cookbook series may sound dull, but you would not write a “dull” cookbook series…it would be delightful and filled humor and fun.

    As for the apple, it is too bad you did not photograph it. I’m sure it would have made for a great conversation piece just like the photo I took years ago of this piece of fruit.

  2. amy: Thank you for the kind words about my hypothetical future cook book. I’ll be like a male(r) Martha Stewart. Just without the criminal record… as far as you know.

    airam: Thank you! I am less cranky. Thanks to Jazz… and Mandy Moore. For real!

  3. I woke up this morning, looking forward to coming into work so that I could get a nutty bar from the vending machine. I arrived this morning to find that some dumb bastard ate all the nutty bars. I hate people.

  4. If Cranky Pete and Cranky Clink ever got together, the universe – so intent on fucking with them both – would probably implode.

  5. Yeah, the universe picks on me too. Just this morning I got the heel of one of my favourite stiletto’s stuck in a crack in the sidewalk. Snapped it clean off.
    Walking to work in barefeet I managed to step in some gum and stub my toe.

    Good times.

  6. stp: Did you track them down and punch them in the mind?

    clink: Why is the universe doing it? We clearly could not be more likable.

    al&af: Yes. Exactly! Man, I hope the universe doesn't strike you down for being nice to me. Only cross at cross walks!

    steph: Ouch! I hope that your day improved and that your shoe could be salvaged.

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