Which of the "Golden Girls" I would sleep with… you know, if I had to

You’ve all probably wondered , at one time or another, which of the “Golden Girls” I would sleep with, if pressed.

It’s only natural.

And I am about to tell you.

However, we should probably look at why I might have to do such a thing.

I suspect that the most likely series of events that would lead to such a “May-sometime the next February” romance would be if I was a rakish, and somewhat morally bankrupt, land developer working out of Florida.

I would get involved in something slightly illegal and get found out by one of the GGs. And, in order to get her to keep the secret, I’d have to use my manly wiles.

Yes, I have wiles!!!

So, that answers why.

As for who, let’s look at each one of the ladies individually.


Sophia —

Pros: Little and cute. Tells interesting stories, most beginning with “Picture it. Sicily, 1931.”

Cons: 137 years old. I’m off Sicilian women.


Dorothy —

Pros: Enjoyably sarcastic.

Cons: Could break me in half and consume my very essence.


Blanche —

Pros: Sexy. NOT slutty, she’s just misunderstood.

Cons: A little too overt with her sexuality for my liking. Plus, very likely rife with the herpes.

Which leaves us with my choice…


Rose —

Pros: Kind. Gives off a compelling sense of loss and sadness. Underrated sexiness.

Cons: All the money I’d spend on earplugs.

Now, you know my choice. But, how would it all happen, I wonder…

Perhaps an afternoon picnic. A secluded wilderness area.

We’d finish our meals and then relax and stare up at the sky. Enjoying the juxtaposition of nearby fluffy cumulus clouds against the storm clouds moving in. Marveling at the colour of the sky around the clouds. That shade of blue that reminds you that you very definitely live on a planet.

Our eyes would meet.

And then all the sweet loving.

And when the magic was finished…

“Thank YOU for being a friend,” she’d say.

“Don’t mention it. You’ve clearly been down this road and back again.” I’d reply.

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  1. Avitable says:

    Hell yeah. I’d fuck Betty White, too.

    She’s absolutely hilarious, and the only thing I care about with a woman is her sense of humor. Not her wrinkles or gray-haired vagina or lines where lines shouldn’t be . . .

  2. A Lover and a Fighter says:

    I have some questions about the “and then all the sweet loving” part.

  3. Jay says:

    That’s right — put those transluscent, wrinkled legs over her head and perform the St. Olaf splash.

  4. Jurgen Nation says:

    I just broke my tailbone falling out of my chair laughing. PLEASE post this to IB?

  5. Peter says:

    avitable: Betty White is a national treasure!

    AL&AF: Are you curious because I am so rakish? Rakish!

    blog portland: Nice St. Olaf mention! I was totally going to drop a “This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf” after the sweet loving, but figured I was going to lose people.

    jurgen nation: Done and done. And thanks!

  6. Brent says:

    I’d go with Rue McClanahan, but only if she wore her outfit from “Nunsense”…

    hotchachachacha

  7. mist1 says:

    Originally hailing from Minnesota, I have to say that the Minnesotan Golden Girl is definitely hottest.

  8. Airam says:

    Sophia is the youngest of the bunch!

  9. Dani says:

    This is just so wrong. So wrong.

  10. kelsi says:

    i don’t know – i can’t imagine – what lead you to think of this. but it’s brilliantly thought out, and now i’ve died a little inside.
    thanks.

  11. colonel eggroll says:

    Lol! This is the most hilarious thing I’ve read all day! Thanks, I needed it.

  12. Captain Smack says:

    I can’t believe the way you skipped over the best part. I was just starting to get worked up.

  13. Cait says:

    That’s practically necrophilia.

  14. Peter says:

    brent: I think you may have given this more thought than I have. I don’t know if I should feel sorry for you or applaud you. Probably both.

    mist1: I appreciate you supporting our unholy union.

    airam: Only in “real” life. Which is, as we all know, for suckers.

    dani: If loving Betty White is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

    kelsi: Thanks! And you’re welcome. I suspect that it is best to never know where my blog posts are coming from.

    colonel eggroll: Thanks! You are clearly wise and have great taste.

    captain smack: Keep your eye out for my soon to be unveiled new blog “PeterDeWolf.com After Dark.”

    cait: Or it will be when I’m done with her. Mrrowwrrr. Wait… Am I actually going to post this comment? Hmmm… Apparently so.

  15. M says:

    this post is exactly why I’ve stopped asking men: “what are you thinking?”

  16. Pearl says:

    lol, that’s fabulous. I think this should become a meme. :)

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