Before I tell you exactly what would have to go down to cause such a thing to happen, allow me to first give you a little background on film in general. (This will, sadly, require me to take a break from my current activities, which mostly involve creating an interpretive dance to Dire Straits’ “Romeo and Juliet” that I can perform without ever getting up from my desk chair.)
I’ve done a good deal of research on the early days of film. (Read: Skimmed the Wikipedia entry.) And there is much debate as to who exactly invented film. Probably. It seems to come down to Thomas Edison and a couple of French Brothers with funny French names. And since I can’t remember how to do French accents on my English keyboard…
Homeboy had lots of time to invent things. Between you and me, Edison wasn’t great with the ladies. They’d say, “Hello, how are you?” And he’d reply with,”I invented the quadruplex telegraph.” That is NOT going to get you into someone’s over-laced corset.
So, he spent much of his time inventing stuff and having masturbatorial fantasies about President McKinley’s wife. (Mrrrrowwwrrrrr.)
One evening, the idea for the first movie camera came to him while he was on the toilet. Which, let’s face it, is rather strange since he had always been a morning pooper.
And, after a series of accidents that lead to the creation of labradoodles, Facebook and The Penis Pump, he came up with a prototype.
(It’s a little known fact that the very first silent films were a series of pornos. The creators had planned to make more, but had disputes over the length of the pizza boy’s handlebar mustache and about how many Ms to use in the title cards for “Mmmmmmmmm.”)
I kind of ignored the whole point of this piece.
What WOULD have to happen to get me to watch the movie BABY MAMA?
Essentially, the only way I’ll watch it is if they don’t make any more films.
And unless that happens, I will continue to avoid BABY MAMA as if it was the plague wearing a plutonium sweater vest.
I thank you.