What would have to happen to get me to watch the movie BABY MAMA

Before I tell you exactly what would have to go down to cause such a thing to happen, allow me to first give you a little background on film in general. (This will, sadly, require me to take a break from my current activities, which mostly involve creating an interpretive dance to Dire Straits’ “Romeo and Juliet” that I can perform without ever getting up from my desk chair.)

I’ve done a good deal of research on the early days of film. (Read: Skimmed the Wikipedia entry.) And there is much debate as to who exactly invented film. Probably. It seems to come down to Thomas Edison and a couple of French Brothers with funny French names. And since I can’t remember how to do French accents on my English keyboard…

Homeboy had lots of time to invent things. Between you and me, Edison wasn’t great with the ladies. They’d say, “Hello, how are you?” And he’d reply with,”I invented the quadruplex telegraph.” That is NOT going to get you into someone’s over-laced corset.

Trust me.

So, he spent much of his time inventing stuff and having masturbatorial fantasies about President McKinley’s wife. (Mrrrrowwwrrrrr.)

One evening, the idea for the first movie camera came to him while he was on the toilet. Which, let’s face it, is rather strange since he had always been a morning pooper.

And, after a series of accidents that lead to the creation of labradoodles, Facebook and The Penis Pump, he came up with a prototype.

(It’s a little known fact that the very first silent films were a series of pornos. The creators had planned to make more, but had disputes over the length of the pizza boy’s handlebar mustache and about how many Ms to use in the title cards for “Mmmmmmmmm.”)

I kind of ignored the whole point of this piece.

What WOULD have to happen to get me to watch the movie BABY MAMA?

Essentially, the only way I’ll watch it is if they don’t make any more films.

Like, ever.

EVER.

And unless that happens, I will continue to avoid BABY MAMA as if it was the plague wearing a plutonium sweater vest.

I thank you.

You may also like...

No Responses

  1. sid says:

    Actually that line has gotten many a man into my corset.

  2. Deutlich says:

    Just the name, “Baby Mama” gives me the creeping willies.

    Blah.

  3. Hope says:

    “Which, let’s face it, is rather strange since he had always been a morning pooper.”

    Hahahahahaha!

  4. lfar says:

    But… Tina Fey! Amy Poehler!

  5. Max says:

    I woke up with that Dire Straits song in my head this morning, how strange to see a reference not 2 hours later…

    But agreed re: the movie.

  6. mindy says:

    I can’t tell you how much I disagree with you on this. “Baby Mama” is going to be a piece of art. You can quote me on that.

  7. Molly says:

    You crack me up. I’m so happy to have “met” you.

  8. JenBun says:

    I bet one of those cute, girl-next-door, Lauren Graham-y types could get you to watch! ;)

    (If they promised sexual favours?!?)

  9. sybil law says:

    I am so glad I get an edumacation when I visit here!
    “Baby Mama” has an awful ring to it, but I love Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Still, I almost never get out to an actual theater, so I can safely say I’m with you on this…
    But I will see that movie!

  10. chasinglibby says:

    i saw the trailer for this and it looks spectacularly awful.

    i’m with you on this one.

    but! the love guru with mike myers looks thoroughly entertaining!

  11. Sonny Amou says:

    Funny post. Yeah, early silent films were porn, from France I think.

    Sorta begs the question, why? Honestly it looks like it could be a little funny.

    Pax,
    S.Amou

  12. jinius says:

    i worship the altar of tina fey so i will def see this movie. altho i confess some of the scenes seem questionable. but i have confidence the movie will pull thru! just give it a try!

  13. fiorella says:

    You know its funny because I could have sworn you sent me a message a few minutes ago mentioning you had tickets to a free screening of Baby Mama :P

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *