I had started writing a serious Valentine’s Day post. It was earnest. It was heartfelt. And, quite frankly, I fell in love with me a little while reading it over.

But, then I thought, “Sucks to that.” And I deleted it.

(Don’t you love it when I pull back the curtain and give you some insight into my complex and mysterious thought processes?)

Instead of that, you get this…

Now I’m no relationship expert, but I’ve been around the block a few times. Yeeeeaaah, buddy. As a guide to all the men out there, here are a few things that you should not write in your v-day card if you hope to get some of that sweet, sweet, and illegal in some areas, loving:

– “I hope that you enjoy these chocolates. But, not TOO much because they say it can cause constipation.”

– “I’m sure it’s just winter weight.”

– “I figured you wore the same size lingerie as my mom.”

– “I can tell by all the dishes piling up that you are too tired to cook. So let’s go out!”

– “Hooters has a Valentine’s Day special.”

– “They are coupons! For hugs!”

– “I named my fantasy baseball team after you… Well, after a part of you.”

– “I got this verse from an Adam Sandler song.”

– “I bought you this wine because I remember what it led to on our first date.”

– “Isn’t “Laid” by James our song?”

– “I’m wearing my good underwear tonight.”

– “I’m wearing your good underwear tonight.”

– “You are holding up pretty well for your age.”

– “I boned your sister.”

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  1. mindy says:

    You are an absurd human.

    Happy Valentine’s Day, weirdo.

  2. Peter says:

    Mindy: Uhm… Are you coming on to me?

  3. STP says:

    Yes, it IS winter weight. Thanks for noticing!

  4. Michelle and the City says:

    you are too funny my friend.

    happy valentine’s day! may all your cards be full of snarky comments :)

  5. rothko says:

    Damn, you couldn’t have posted these yesterday?! Well, now I know … don’t mention boning sister … ever again.

  6. Girl With Curious Hair says:

    I think this was a great public service. Although I am curious about what you had originally written.

    Also, “Laid” is one of my favorite songs ever.

  7. Peter says:

    stp: I try to be observant, you know.

    michelle: Thanks! But, you only feel that way because you don’t have a sister that I could potentially bone.

    rothko: I like to be helpful, but not TOO helpful.

    girl with the curious hair: It is one of my favourite songs too! It actually used to remind me of someone. And I told her years later. She wasn’t overly amused. Which was, of course, extra amusing for me.

  8. the frog princess says:

    Whenver I heard “Laid” I immediately think of a particular Ex of mine. Are you saying that’s bad?

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

  9. JenBun says:

    James’ “Laid” IS our song!!!

    Aww, Peter, you remembered!

    hahahaha, that’s funny for some reason. I think everyone has some funny story/association with that song. I love it!

    Happy Valenslime’s Day! =)

  10. lspoon says:

    God help my husband if he ever muttered those words, or wrote them.

  11. each of the two says:

    did you get these from my boyfriend?
    you two are one in the same.

    i swear it would kill him to be sentimental.

  12. Deutlich says:

    I realize that VD stands for Valentine’s Day but for a second I was like, “venereal disease??? really?!”

    hahaha. i’m.. slow.

  13. Clink says:

    The title, above all, made my day.

    Also: someone once asked me what song I’d like to listen to for the rest of my life if I could only listen to one song.

    The answer is the one in your post.

    I was drunk, but it might still be true.

  14. Michelle Ann says:

    Anyone that expects a card on this day we have been given permission to do so….deserves whatever is written inside.

    It’s a ridiculous holiday

  15. Steph says:

    And he wonders why he’s single?? :P

    Happy V-day to you my darling. xx

  16. Caitlyn says:

    I think if a guy ever said any of those to me I would burst out laughing.

    Or burst out crying. One of those two.

  17. Susie says:

    You’re the sweeeetest boy ever, Peter.

    And, um, I was a little confused on the whole VD thing too.

  18. Chelsea Talks Smack says:

    Hhaaa,,,,ok, thank you Peter I’m glad you could REMIND the men to not be assholes for a day.

  19. chasinglibby says:

    tell me you never actually wrote those things in a card!

    better yet, tell me you did – then give us the whole story! haha

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