unsolicited half-assed advice on how to find love online (or off, really)

Ladies, parts of this may bug you. You may even be offended. You’ll say, “That is stupid. Guys shouldn’t think like that.” But they do. “It’s just–” Theeeeey doooooo.

How do you find love?

Stop looking. There ya go. That’ll be $49.99. No personal checks!

You’re rolling your eyes. You’ve heard it a million times. “You’ll find someone as soon as you stop looking.” You tried it and you didn’t find someone! But did you really stop looking? Or did you constantly obsess over the fact that even though you “weren’t looking” you still weren’t finding someone?

That still gives off the vibe.

Men, dopey as we often are, pick up on the vibe. As do house plants and some statues. Most of you realllllly don’t hide it well.

Oh, you know it’s true. Think about your single friends. You can smell it on them, right?

Here’s a secret:

This a a “fake it ’til you make it” situation. Pretend not to care about being single and eventually you’ll convince yourself. You know, mostly. But guys will sense the change.

Love is like Chinese finger traps. The harder you try, the less successful you are.

Or something.

Okay. I’m going to offend you now.

I feel like a lot of women put stuff out in the blog/twitter/Facebook world that makes men cringe. Yes, we should suck it up. Yes, it is your blog/Twitter/Facebook account and you can write whatever the hell you want.


Unless I am your serious boyfriend, or OBGYN, I shouldn’t know anything about your ovaries and their shenanigans. At all. Ever.

Men don’t tweet about their colon activities. You just gasped. “Did he really compare… to colons!?!” Not me. Men.

We know– Well, most of us know how you guys work. We know about the plumbing. We just don’t want to think about it until we’re in the relationship. I… don’t know why. It’s just how it works.

It’s stupid. I knoooooow. I’m on YOUR side here!

Okay. Online dating profiles…

Ladies. I know online dating involves kissing a lot of frogs. And more frogs. And even some under-the-shirt, over-the-bra action with a few of them. But writing a profile designed to weed them out may not work like you think it will.

If your profile is full of “if you ____________, then don’t contact me” it doesn’t come across as you knowing yourself and what works for you, it comes across, to men, as…

“Fuuuuck. She seems like a lot of work.”

And when the dating site is full of so many women, we’re going to take the path of least resistance. (Especially if it is a path lined with cleavagey goodness.)

Are you thinking that “REAL men won’t be turned off by real talk?” You may be right.

But if it comes down to you and another girl, and she is putting out positive vibes and sounding fun, and you are talking about how important grammar is to you…

Listen, I get it. I’m big on grammar too. But decide if their writing is a deal breaker in your head. Don’t make a pre-emptive strike in your profile. I’m going to say it…

Men often see it as kinda bitchy. Uppity. High-maintenance-y.

I think you should be you in your profiles. But the best version of you.

A used car dealer doesn’t tell you about the squeaky brakes and occasional backfires. Yes, I called you a used car. We’re all used cars. Relax.

It’s all in the spin. Instead of “neat freak.” You could sell it as “I clean. A LOT. But usually in super cute outfits, so you won’t mind.”

Yes, yes, feminism. But books from your womens studies courses won’t keep you warm or make you grilled cheeses.

I think it is all about compromise, presentation and waiting until you have us besotted before showing us everything.

And don’t forget, at the end of the day, we really do love you wacky little broads.

Stay tuned for Part 2! I’ll give more specifics!

[Please send hatemail to “googletongueincheek@gmail.com”]

4 thoughts on “unsolicited half-assed advice on how to find love online (or off, really)

  1. uhhhh thank you for saying this. I’m totally not offended, for one. secondly, I think I did the online dating thing right, seeing as how I was on okcupid for 3 days before I met my boyfriend (of almost 2 years now). I’ll go ahead ahd just pat myself on the back :)


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