[Throwback Tuesday] two dudes talking

“What about this shirt?”

“I didn’t know Gap had an ‘approaching middle age pimp’ department.”

“So… no?”

“Yeah. No.”

“Approaching middle age?”

“So…”

“So?”

“Soooooo…”

“I’m not sure that adding vowels is getting us any closer to an understanding.”

“You and that girl.”

“Yes?”

“Did you?”

“I don’t kiss and tell.”

“What about the time you videotaped you and that volleyball player in the motel?”

“First of all she was a basketball player and it was a hotel. And that was you.”

“I know… I just don’t think that people bring that up often enough.”

“This shirt?”

“Seriously?”

“Not every guy can pull off fuchsia.”

“No guy should try.”

“You’re very helpful.”

“So we are carefully selecting an outfit to impress a girl that you are trying to brush off?”

“We are carefully selecting an outfit so I look good while out in public.”

“You are not going to give me naked details?”

“It might be time to grow up.”

“I don’t like this idea already.”

“No more things like… mentioning boning mothers.”

“Oh…”

“Especially not in Christmas cards you send to my folks.”

“Come on… Lois loves that shit. How’s she doing anyway? Pilates working it’s magic?”

“I need new friends.”

“To have grown-up, real conversations with?”

“Exactly.”

“Oh. OK. I have one. You know how sometimes, towards the end of the night, just before closing time, you latch on to the first warm female you see? And how you take Shelly or Sheila or whateverthefuck home with you? You do your thing. A couple drinks. A little music. Then she’s in your bedroom. Then it dawns on you. Suddenly. Out of nowhere. You fully grasp just how alone we are. How we’ll do just about anything to fill that void. How we’ll throw morals out the window and discuss So You Think You Can Dance, just to have a woman in our bed. And then you weep. Just a little at first. It’s almost unnoticeable. But trying to hide it only makes it worse. Your shoulders shake. She asks what’s wrong and you tell her your dog died. You never had a dog. ‘Poor little Scamper,’ you say. Then you realize that you are thirty-five years old and lying about having a dog. That’s no way to live. You cry more. And have you ever tried to keep an erection while crying? That shit ain’t easy. So you are sitting on your bed, openly weeping, ShellySheila is trying to console you and you have half a chub on. And you realize, in the clearest epiphany of your life, that you wish you had just stayed in eating cake and watching 13 GOING ON 30 tonight.”

(Silence.)

“I think… we should do something extremely manly now.”

“Wanna go fishing?”

“I’ll dirty my outfit.”

“Fair enough. Wii fishing?”

“Beautiful.”

 

 

 

 

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photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

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28 Responses

  1. sid says:

    Nice. Wish I didn;t have to google the word chub though but other than that i thoroughly enjoyed that – kinda like reading a chuck palahniuk novel/short story.

  2. Mad Phoenix says:

    Pulitzer worthy. LOL. Dude conversation is the best!

  3. I sincerely hope that this is how it goes in real life.

  4. Jenn says:

    Glad I started following you after you guest wrote for Tia. You make me laugh. Maybe it’s my age (almost 35). It’s not my experience…being a married girl with kids and all. Maybe it’s because I wonder what my husband would be like single since he hasn’t been since he was 17. I think it would go a little something like this. At any rate, thanks for the funnny.

  5. Doniree says:

    “What about the time you videotaped you and that volleyball player in the motel?”

    “First of all she was a basketball player and it was a hotel. And that was you.”

    “I know… I just don’t think that people bring that up often enough.”

    I’m SO going to use that next time I have something I want to brag about.

  6. Ben says:

    I could have manlier conversations than that.

  7. Sarah says:

    Mint refresher tea, meet computer screen. Screen? Tea.

  8. This is the best thing you’ve ever written. Well, except for the novella.

  9. tia says:

    amazing.

    when you kill it, you KILL IT, mr dewolf.

  10. A says:

    I always suspected as much.

  11. Kyla Roma says:

    I wonder if Wii fishing requires sensors on those huge waders the kids are so into these days.

    Brandy & Ben are always raving about you & your Canadiana, so hello from the Great Plains of Manitoba =)

    • brandy says:

      Kyla,

      Ben, Peter and I are planning on taking over the world using our charming Canadianess. Are you in? (There is only one right answer and the answer is YES)

      • Shelley says:

        I’m in too. Only I’m not as charming as you three so I’ll be the requisite behind-the-scenes person who provides you with secret information. Now we just need a west coaster so all the time zones are covered.

  12. BS says:

    This is pretty much why I love boys.

  13. Amanda says:

    It makes me think of Peter talking to another version of Peter, both equally adorable, naturally.

  14. steph says:

    You are still awesome……..and I like your friend too………..I worry myself sometimes.

  15. Joe says:

    This is perfect, I love it.

  16. brandy says:

    Now I read comments wondering if your 9,403,341,576th girl fan who has a crush on you (and who left a comment on my blog) is commenting here. Girl! If you haven’t commented, you should. Peter isn’t scary. Unless you tell him to ‘hush’ and tell him he can’t be in your music video.

    As for your actual great writing as usual, blah, blah, blah. I hate you and your talents sometimes Peter. (See girl? You can say things like that to Peter because he knows you mean it in the NICE way).

  17. Michael says:

    Seven different flavors of awesome.

  18. melanie says:

    Pete, I think we went to high school with these 2 boys…men, whatever.

  19. Jason says:

    Love this!!!–read it over at Indie Ink, had to let you know… But apparently, everyone else already has :)

  20. Jamie says:

    Really good… and according to my husband exactly how it goes!

    visiting from lovelinks

  1. November 28, 2013

    […] like your bum” and told everyone I knew about it. I really think the comedy worked in “two dudes talking.”  You could ask me this question every day and I could give you a different […]

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