They don't warn you about THIS in chat line infomercials…

Jeff: Hi.

Jennifer: Hello.

Jeff: This is Jeff.

Jennifer: Hi, Jeff. I’m Jennifer.

Jeff: First time using “The Pretty People Party Chat Line?”

Jennifer: Yup. You?

Jeff: Yeah.

(Beat.)

Jennifer: Really?

Jeff: Fifth.

Jennifer: Sixth for me.

Jeff: So, we are both undateable AND filthy liars.

Jennifer: Common ground. Great start!

Jeff: Indeed. So, tell me about your last relationship.

Jennifer: Well, it lasted, like… four months. Give or take. But, we ARE so different.

Jeff: How so?

Jennifer: Views. Goals. Everything. He’d say “to-MAY-to” and I’d say, “Go fuck yourself.”

Jeff: So, probably not love then?

Jennifer: I’m guessing not.

Jeff: Mine wasn’t much better.

Jennifer: Oh no?

Jeff: Suffice it to say, you should not date a woman just because she has a spectacular ass.

Jennifer: The same goes for picking a gynecologist.

Jeff: What?

Jennifer: Nothing. Anyway…

Jeff: Yeah.

Jennifer: My ex was all sorts of crazy. Plus, he thought we were going to get married.

Jeff: Here’s my theory on marriage… You should date a woman long enough to make sure that she isn’t completely crazy. Then you should stay engaged long enough to make sure that she didn’t sneak by the initial completely crazy filer. And then you can finally relax and marry her… knowing full well that she is going to eventually turn completely crazy on you.

Jennifer: Wow.

Jeff: And to make it apply to men, you usually replace “completely crazy” with “lazy pain in the ass.”

Jennifer: That’s a pretty solid theory, Jeff.

Jeff: It’s what I do.

Jennifer: So… what are your turn-ons?

Jeff: My turn-ons…

Jennifer: Like, for me, I love a man in uniform.

Jeff: So, I should dig out my old boy scout uniform?

Jennifer: Exactly.

Jeff: Well, where do you stand on French Maid costumes?

Jennifer: Where do I stand? Uhm… over you?

Jeff: I could not like that answer more.

Jennifer: My Aunt Sheila had a saying, “It all ends up balled up on the floor regardless.” Of course, she also said, “The best way to get over someone is to get under… their best friend.”

Jeff: That is SO weird. The only other person I’ve ever heard say that is my mother.

Jennifer: Jeff… What’s your mother’s name?

Jeff: It’s Sheila, why do you–? Oh no.

Jennifer: Oh crap!

Jeff: It’s can’t be…

Jennifer: Cousin Jeffrey?!?

Jeff: I am going to puke.

Jennifer: I feel dirty. SO dirty.

Jeff: Right here. Vomit all over the place.

Jennifer: This is a new low for me.

Jeff: We can’t EVER discuss this again.

Jennifer: It didn’t happen.

Jeff: Definitely going to puke.

Jennifer: And a regular shower is not going to cut it… I need to be sprayed down by that hose they use to clean 18 wheelers.

Jeff: This is terrible.

Jennifer: I could not be more embarrassed.

(Beat.)

Jeff: Were you serious about the french maid uniform?

*click*

Jeff: Hello. Hello?