So, Eff Double U, like all other celebrities, I require a team of people around me to help me look good and to get things done.
But, in my case, it’s not a cadre of toadies, groupies, astrologers, shamans and freelance anal bleachers.
No, no, no.
For me it’s a group of people who are related to me, and thus have to put up with my annoying ass.
My family is going to love you.
The ACN will say she likes you more than she likes Uncle Pete.
Then I’ll grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Then she’ll giggle.
Then I’ll steal a kiss from her and stomp away. (Back to the Unc Store, presumably.)
Then she’ll giggle more.
And then I’ll run back and steal another kiss, causing her to blink repeatedly and tee hee.
The Monkey will borrow your clothes. And let you borrow hers.
And she’ll tell me to go away so that she can discuss Big Brother (or American Idol) with you.
She’ll explain, “OH… MY… GOD… I hate when competitions go from one show to the next. AND from Thursday until Sunday. NOT even Wednesday to Thursday. I hate that!” And she’ll point out that two of the contestants are “beeyatches anyway.”
My mom… oh my mom.. She’ll adopt you, basically. She’ll find out your favourite snack treats and make sure you always have lots of them. She still buys Xmas gifts for this broad. (Speaking of her, I have a 60-something uncle who had such a crush on her. He sensed any time she was around. He’d drop in and be all swoonypants. So be on the lookout for cartoon hearts floating around his noggin when he talks to you.)
My mom will be all excited to hang out with you. She’ll tell you stories. I’ll interrupt with a sarcastic comment. She’ll ignore me. I’ll do it again. And again. Finally she’ll yell at me and call me a bad name. You’ll laugh louder than you expected.
My dad will be quieter in his adoration. But you’ll know. He’ll be in charge of finding interesting foods and alcoholic beverages for you.
“What would you like to try? A brontosaurus burger? I’m on it!”
(That was a gun cocking noise.)
(Yes it was.)
You’ll appreciate having these people to talk to, especially when I’m all holed up in a room some place, writing things like this:
“We’re going to dinner tonight.”
“Do you have reservations?”
“Well she likes Sex and the City and might be a bit of a whore…”
Yeah, my family will love you.
And I’ll sit back and smile.
I’ll love that they all adore you so much.
I’ll know I chose well with you.
I’ll think about the fun stuff we’ll all do together.
I’ll think about all the words spoken and typed, and dreams dreamed, and bad aim and bad luck in the past leading to…
A great fit.
I’ll walk by and squeeze your shoulder lovingly, while you talk to one of your many admirers. Just needing to touch you, you know?
I’ll get the chills a little.
I’ll smile bigger.
I found you.
I finally found you.
And then I’ll hide all of your snack treats.
Try to steal my family, will ya?