The vlog that wasn't…

So, I tried to make a little video post last night. But, my old webcam was being an asshole.

It’s kind of sad because I felt pretty yesterday.

Instead, I am going to write about what I was going to talk about.

Yeah, a bunch more rambling text from me.

Yay!

If you have seen any of my vlogs before, you may be thinking how unrehearsed they look. Soooo natural.

Maybe you should sit down for this part…

I generally outline what I am going to talk about. I sometimes even use notes.

I’m like a 14 year old boy calling a girl for the first time. Voice cracking. Reading over cue cards that I spent hours preparing, before finally saying…

“So… don’t you just hate mean people?”

Crickets.

That was, of course, a hypothetical situation.

*cough*

However, the tics and obnoxious facial expressions in my vlogs… all ad libbed! For real!

This is what I was going to talk about in my vlog:

I was going to start by mentioning that I realized how crappy the resolution is on my cam. Then I was going to make some joke about not thinking that my mug could stand up to the scrutiny of a hi-deffer webcam.

This was going to segue into me pointing out various scars and telling their stories.

Middle of forehead — When I was 4, my grandparents lived next door. It was after 8 one stormy winter night. I was with my grandparents watching the Peanuts Christmas special (“Mrs. Claus is a Whore, Charlie Brown”) and, if history is any indication, being treated like the boy king of Nova Scotia.

Explaining just how spoiled I was would take a whole series of blog posts.

At some point my parents decided that they could again put up with my annoying little ass and called for me to come home. I’m assuming that my grandmother bundled me up like a 3 foot mummy and pointed me in the direction of my house. Again, it was 50-100 feet across a lawn to my back door. I don’t actually remember any of this, but from family legends I have been able to piece together the main points of the story.

My father was watching for me out the back door. As my little legs got to the top of the steps, he opened the door — just as a huge gust of wind blew up. The door swung out of his hand and the handle hit me in the middle of the forehead and sent me flying through the air. I landed flat on my back in the driveway.

Cut open forehead. Stitches.

Eeep.

And for years I believed that story. But now… thinking and writing about it… My Dad was — and still is, really — a big burly dude. It would have taken quite a gust of wind to tear the door out of his hand.

Hmmmm.

Is it too late to call child services on that one?

Probably.

Back of ear — I’ve watched a good number of different sports played with balls. But, I have never seen one that involved trying to kick the ball out of a dude’s hands AFTER he is tackled. And, if such a sport did exist, I am relatively sure that it wouldn’t involve missing said ball and practically tearing off his ear. This is what my friend did to me.

I was twelve. My ear was smaller then. 7 stitches covered a lot of ground. Ears are not supposed to come away from the rest of the head like that, I’m pretty sure.

Of course you wouldn’t see this scar unless we were being a little closer than a vlog. You know what I’m sayin’? You KNOW.

Top of noggin — (Peter points to it.) This one I got playing basketball in high school. I took an elbow. Which I probably deserved, since one of my favourite things was throwing elbows. Get a rebound. Swing elbows wildly to clear space. You could legally crack people. It was way more fun than I should admit.

The referee checked me for a concussion and stuff. I think I played the rest of the game, because I only got stitched up when I got back to my town. I really don’t remember this very well at all. Perhaps he should have checked more closely for that concussion.

Bottom lip — When I was… 14? Maybe. Something in that area. I was playing street hockey near my house with my cousin and a friend. I was being all Wayne Gretzky behind the net. I passed the ball out to my cousin and he took a hard slap shot. Which, of course, missed the net and smashed me in the mouth.

Most of you have never seen an orange hockey ball, much less been hammered in the pie hole with one. Let me tell you… not very pleasant. Plus it was very cold out. So, the ball was half frozen and even harder than usual.

I spit out a little piece of tooth and was surprised by all the blood that joined it.

I’m still missing the little piece. I think it looks badass!

So, yeah, stitches in my bottom lip.

I should mention that I had only recently gotten my braces off. My mother lost her mind and bought me a mouth guard the very next day. She went all GOB Bluth on me.

“You think I spent $3000 on braces just to have you lose your teeth playing street hockey? Come on!”

She demanded that I wear it when playing basketball.

“You think I spent $4000 on braces just to have you lose your teeth to an elbow? Come on!”

She was everywhere.

“That girl you are dating looks a little loose. Wear your mouth guard. Come on!”

So, that was going to be my vlog post.

I hope that you read it in an (alleged) Canadian accent.

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14 Responses

  1. Miriam says:

    :) You’re not feeling pretty today? That’s sad. Maybe you should do daily affirmations. :) Oh, and gmail rocks my socks. Now that I’m getting the hang of it

  2. skinny says:

    i just watched your vlogs the first time tonite…. christmas gift and anatomy of blog post were really good. crying over U2 made me laugh.

    you should definitely re-do today’s post on vlog and show your scars, soooo badass!

  3. sybil law says:

    Sorry = I need visuals!
    I thought all you Canadians ended your sentences with “eh”?!
    Just kidding. ;)
    The one that made me hurt, too, was the hockey puck. I played some hockey as a kid with the boys in my neighborhood, so I know how badly that would hurt. I’m with your mom and the mouth guard on that one!

  4. Epic says:

    Yay! I FINALLY know what ACN stands for, and I think the name is adorably cute in itself. I’m bummed we missed out on a vlog; I’ll have to do some rooting around and find an old one of yours. Also, I googled Nova Scotia because I wasn’t quite sure where in Canada it is. Then I Wiki-ed it and now I know more about Nova Scotia than most people who live there. Maybe.

  5. CamiKaos says:

    Your poor ear.

    OUCH

    and YUCK.

    but it would have made a splendid vlog.

    (not the ear coming off, the discussion of it)

  6. 123Valerie says:

    That was aboot the best orthodontia-related story I’ve read today.

    Definitely in the Top 3.

  7. molly says:

    Corner of eye- At age 3 I was playing with a stupid little kick me dog named Tiffany. Her collar got stuck in the clasp of my overalls and she panicked, biting me in the face.

    Right knuckles of second and third finger- From my teeth. I wasn’t a thumb sucker, two fingers instead.

  8. Niki Nielsen says:

    That’s too bad the vlog didn’t work out. You still owe us one!!

  9. mindy says:

    Since this was supposed to be a vlog but wasn't, I decided to go back & check out your old vlogs, and I have a question:

    Do you ever take off the baseball cap?

  10. Keith says:

    road hockey = violence

    my little brother couldn’t handle my greatness and i was often the recipient of a two handed slash accross the arms/shins/hands. i have scars to prove it. A hockey ball in the face could only result in severe pain. i am sorry for the suffering you endured. in canada that makes you darn near a war vet (maybe not so much).

    don’t see as much of the road hockey anymore. i guess kids are battling it out on the xbox or something. it’s a shame they’ll never know the sacrifice it takes to take a frozen tennis ball in the nuts while trying to block a shot in “next goal wins” overtime.

    it’ll be a weak generation (probably will turn out to be leaf fans).

    this has gone on too long.

  11. Airam says:

    Aww that’s too bad … your vlogs are awesome!

  12. Steph says:

    Dude you are a walking disaster! And you have the nerve to tell me I can’t stay upright?? lol.

  13. Pretty Pretty Princess says:

    I only wish that would have been a real vlog for the sole purpose of getting to hear your “alleged Candian accent.” (provided you threw a couple “EH”s in there of course!)

  14. Peter says:

    miriam: I didn’t feel pretty yesterday. Today I’m back to pretty!

    skinny: Thanks. But, “With or Without You” really does get to me every time. Because, you know, he can’t live with OR without her. It is quite a pickle.

    sybil: Yes, my mother was someplace south of impressed with me that day.

    epic: One can never know too much about the greatness that is Nova Scotia. Or Canada in general, really.

    camikaos: The ear didn’t really hurt that much. Bled though. A LOT.

    123valarie: Well, only being top three gives me something to shoot for next time.

    molly: Your finger sucking as a twerp actually left scars??

    niki: One of these days. I have half an idea fermenting in my head. Just need the camera to cooperate.

    mindy: Not if I can at all avoid it. Though I am not wearing it right now!

    keith: I have never agreed more with a comment — that wasn’t complimenting me directly and energetically.

    airam: Thanks! Unless awesome means something different in Italian…

    steph: I stretched mine out over a decade or so. You have more than that in one night!

    sweetescape: Oddly enough I only usually say “eh” on purpose. It rarely sneaks into my every day yammering.

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