The Stages of Writer's Block by Peter DeWolf

Stage 1 – “Hmmm. I don’t really like that last paragraph. Oh, whatever. They can’t all be winners.”

Stage 2 – “Well, this entire piece kind of blows. Maybe I just need to power through .”

Stage 3 – “OK. Everything I write sucks. Maybe I need to switch it up. Let’s try writing something silly. Hmmm. *Peter starts typing* ‘Top ten pick-up lines that almost never work on women… #10 If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U on my penis… *Peter stops typing* I hate me.”

Stage 4 – “Why didn’t anyone tell me that I couldn’t write?? The time I’ve wasted. I could have gone to Med school and — Well, that might have involved working. Law school then!”

Stage 5 – “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Hate. Mmmm pancakes.”

Stage 6 – “I’m not REALLY going to write. I’ll just jot down a few lines…”

Stage 7 – “I am the GREATEST WRITER IN THE WORLD!!!! When Oprah has me on for her bookclub thingy, will I be able to bring guests with me backstage? I’ll bring my 11th grade English teacher. Am I applying myself now??? (Beat.) Hmmm. I don’t really like that last paragraph.”

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  1. skinny says:

    “Mmmmmm … pancakes”

    well written Peter!!!

  2. JenBun says:

    I particularly like your pick-up line!

    “You grrrrr-ed in a blog! Love it!”

    I know who should be your guest on Oprah…

    “And the blog comes full circle…”

    JB and KB :)

  3. Hope says:

    Oh Peter. I’m just going to blurt it out too.

    You’re totally crush-worthy too.

  4. Wormer says:

    I really think you should’ve continued in stage 3. It sounded promising.

  5. Ashley says:

    You are too funny. Somehow, your writers block is still good writing. HOW DO YOU DO IT?

  6. Essentially Me says:

    This was fuckin hilarious.

  7. mindy says:

    Be honest: do you sometimes think “I kind of have the attention span of a 2 year old.”?

  8. MissE says:


    Lord, I wish you could be in my creative writing class!

  9. Paige Jennifer says:

    I totally morph into Sybil when I write. Mumbling “I’m brilliant” and “shut up, that totally sucks” in the same damn breath.

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