The question

[Peter warning: This one just kind of stumbled out of my fingers. I had no idea where it was going when I started. Be brave. Actually, I hate this post. Don’t read it. Okay, fine. You think you know better? Go ahead. But, don’t say I didn’t warn you.]

Out of the blue, someone will ask, “Why aren’t you married yet?”

Now, I know that women get this question on an almost daily basis. I understand that. However, I think that better prepares them for the next time it is asked. Men get the question too. But, I don’t think that we have any clue how to deal with it. We instinctively say, “Just lucky, I guess.” Then we quickly take a drink of whatever we are holding and walk away.

I’ve done that. But, it always makes me wonder why the person is asking the question. Is it because…

1) I am so charming and adorable that it is shocking that some woman hasn’t snatched me up yet.

or

B) I am getting a little older and uglier every single day.

And it could really be either, depending on the person asking.

I suppose that if I really stopped and gave a sensible answer (as unlikely as that scenario is) it would be that…

I haven’t found the right person, in the right place, at the right time.

It sounds simplistic, I know. But, if you meet a great person, nearby, but the timing is off, you are screwed. If the timing is good, the person is awesome, but you can’t get it together geographically, then you are on your way to a period of long-distance suffering… and then you are screwed.

If the timing is perfect, the location works awesomely well, but deep in your bones you know the person isn’t right… Yup, you guess it. Screwed. The worst part about this one is that you’ll try to convince yourself otherwise. “She/He is such a good person.” “She/she cares for me sooooo much.” “Maybe I am being picky and should just marry her/him.” (I am using “She/He” so it fits both sexes, and not because there is a tranny involved in any way. However, if that blows your skirt up, go ahead and fill your boots.) And with this one you can end up married BEFORE you find out that you are screwed.

I don’t want to get divorced. No, no. It’s true! For me, I think it’s worth being super picky now, even if it only decreases the chances of an eventual divorce a tiny bit. Because, let’s face it, I’m a bit of a pain in the ass. I’m stubborn. I’m spiteful. And my almost psychotic loyalty demands the same in others. Plus, I can’t fall asleep without a tv on. This chick is going to have to be paaaaatient.

In a previous blog post, on a previous blog, I once outlined the things I look for in a woman. I am way too lazy to try to find it. But, it was mostly tongue-in-cheek, and one of the top things on my list was that she had to wear “cute girl” glasses. If I made a list today, I suspect I might have different priorities.

I think I would sum it up by saying that, “I want someone who just gets me.”

If I get home after a craptastic day and just plunk down on the couch, pass me the remote, then crash out on the couch with your noggin on my lap and read a magazine. I’ll instinctively start playing with your hair. You’ll like it.

If my favourite team loses in the playoffs – or even if my favourite reality show contestant gets the boot – just give me a kiss on the forehead and then avoid me like the plague for a few hours.

If I develop an unreasonable and inexplicable hate for someone or something, hate it with me. Come on. It’s a lot of fun.

Never ask me about my business, Kate.

And, for the good of humanity, never, ever try to “teach me a lesson.” It is not going to turn out as you hoped. You remember that spite thing a few paragraphs up?

Plus, you know, you really could wear cute girl glasses. If you wanted.

Oh, I just remembered something else from my “list.” I wanted her to be willing to dress as Wonder Woman for me.

Thankfully I am older and wiser now. That request just seems silly.

Obviously Princess Leia’s gold bikini would work too.

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  1. James Cooper says:

    Or… you might just be holding out for a certain un-named actress. Particularly if she’s wearing one of the two mentioned outfits.

  2. LG says:

    It’s always about you, isn’t it?

  3. Peter says:

    James: I can’t think of that combo. It short-circuits things in my noggin.

    LG: Uhm, is this your first time reading my blog?

  4. Zeus says:

    I don’t think you’re asking for too much, Peter. It sounds to me like what you need to do now is set up an application process via your blog. That way, you can prescreen them and get the bad apples out of the way.

    That even sounds like a good post come to think of it!

    P.S. I always thought it was all about you. Was I wrong in thinking that?

  5. Darren says:

    Peter it should be about YOU!

    Hold out for the right one!

    Personally I’d never date an actress. If she is was any good you’d never really know who she is! LOL

    The only thing I’d add is that we date to try people on. Be selective and have high standards. Don’t get attached to them too soon. See what’s really there and get rid of them fast if you know that they are not for you!

    Keep in mind that in the end you wont catch the fish without fishing…

  6. Janet says:

    A picky man is rare. But really, marriage is such a huge step, that question, “What are you doing without a wife?” is so mid-century.

  7. Janet says:

    Online dating has it’s advantages. This way you can prescreen the women…and the Wonder Women outfits.

    You like, you buy.:)

  8. Steph says:

    I get asked all the time, “how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” Like I’m mentally defective or sumthin’, cos you know there HAS to be something wrong with me if I’m single right?

    I CHOOSE to be single. I have to be for now. I don’t do relationships well and i need a break.
    I wish i could print that out on a card and hand it out to people who ask.

  9. nikki says:

    On the contrary, I really enjoyed this post.

    I don’t particularly think you’re being picky. People have a right to know exactly what they do or don’t want, the divorce rate is a testament to that.

    Guys and their glasses fetish. My boyfriend is trying to convince me to buy a pair of glasses that I don’t need purely because he thinks I’d look hot wearing them.

  10. Peter says:

    zeus: That TOTALLY sounds like something I’d do.

    darren: I’m not sure my standards could be any higher. ;)

    janet: It really is so out-dated, eh? I think it exists much more in smaller towns too.

    steph: You need a t-shirt that says, “Do you think anyone THIS sexy isn’t single by choice?”

    nikki: girl + cute glasses = even hotter girl. In math it is known as the “Lisa Loeb Principle.”

  11. Kukka-Maria says:

    a) I’m completely stubborn and unreasonable.

    2) I would totally go for the Princess Leia gold bikini, but Wonder Woman red looks so much better on me.

    iii) As for the cute-girl glasses? I’m getting my eyes checked next week…stay tuned.

    Until you decide you want to chase and capture me, keep on being picky. It’s your right. It’s your duty.

  12. Sid says:

    “Never ask me about my business, Kate.”
    Huh??? You have a “business” and the hooker’s name is Kate?

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