the man you know as Peter, or "Fuck Nuts" if you're his mom

A guestpost by HRC

When Pete suggested that this year we write nice blog posts for each
other instead of exchanging birthday gifts, I initially thought “Wait
a minute…” because Pete is an excellent gifter and seeing what he
thinks up is half the fun. Someone should make him their personal
shopper. But since I am in Hong Kong, and also lazy and also
can’t say no to Pete, I agreed, and because I love Pete and want him
to have a good birthday, I am even meeting my deadline (normally the
people who pay me don’t even get that much). The second thought was
“…I have to be nice?” because he is always setting me up to take a
crack at him.

You may know Pete as the 6′ 4″ drink of water in a baseball cap who
hangs around just waiting to chime in with a joke. The guy who
notices the pretty girl but is not about to admit it. The guy who has
about five pictures of Guy LaFleur on his wall… and they are
different sizes of the exact same photo.

He is also the guy who, when you are in bed with a two week flu and
all you can do is cry and wish for death, will send you a box of
groceries. And forever after will yell at you to keep cans of soup
around. And every time you are sick will say “I told you to keep soup
in your pantry, woman!” and make grrrr-ing noises. Too bad for Pete
that he is not scarier.

You know what makes Pete mad? The fact that I know his taste in women
so well. I can always tell which actress on any given show is a
“Pete-chick.” This makes him crazy. He tests me from time to time and
I never fail to get it right. But this is less about my brilliance and
more about celebrating Pete… (Incidentally, if the crush gets on
your nerves, it is pretty easy to ruin it with one speculative
thought. But since it is Pete’s birthday I will keep that technique to

When Pete is on your side, he is ON YOUR SIDE. He will happily trash
anyone you like for you. He will in fact, continue to hate them with a
burning fire hotter than a thousand suns long after you are over the
slight. It’s pretty great. Along with that loyalty comes a
never-ending bag of compliments… which eventually sink in. Pete is a
good influence for today’s typical annoyingly self-effacing woman,
because Pete? He has no qualms about telling you how gorgeous you
are… OR about telling you how how gorgeous HE is. Even when you
don’t ask. Just, you know, as an FYI. In case you forgot in the last
ten minutes.

Before I started writing this, I tried to think: what would a reader
want to know about Pete? He is endlessly patient with the ACN, but not
with anyone else. He writes letters when it’s important to write
letters and he is one of the most considerate people in the world. He
always has your back. He ALWAYS has your back. Did I mention that he
has your back? Always? Because he does. Unless you cross the family.
I, of course, would never cross the family – I know better.

Pete’s food likes include fried potatoes, ketchup, and apple crisp. He
is a total pushover, especially with girlfriends. Except when you want
to change the channel on sports or turn off the tv because it is time
to go to sleep. He’ll shush you and hope that you forget you asked
(which never works, by the way.) (The compliments make up for this, as
do the spoilings. But don’t tell him that. He can’t read things in
parentheses, right? That’s how this works?)

Loving Pete comes very easy. When we broke up, some of the hardest
crying I’ve ever done is over the thought that he would disappear on
me as we made the switch-over to friends. There were even a few
sickening weeks when we only exchanged one or two emails. I know! I
was all panicky and heartbroken, because Pete is one of the best
people on the planet and I need him in my life forever. Peter, thank
you for always being the bigger person, for your big huge heart, for
never letting anyone down, and for being the comic relief. I love you
and I am so glad you were born (lo these many years ago)!

Happy birthday, little Pete.

0 thoughts on “the man you know as Peter, or "Fuck Nuts" if you're his mom

  1. This was beautiful and made me tear up. Then again, I might be slightly delirious as I woke up from a nightmare in which I was a bipolar bitch approximately 4.5 minutes ago. So…right. Happy birthday Peter! Yay! I’d squee, but I don’t squee.

  2. Happy birthday!! You’re getting up their in years aren’t you? The nursing home is coming up quickly I can only assume…. :-P

  3. happy birthday!

    and that was such a nice guest post by the way. i wish i had an ex that still thought as highly of me. =)

    just kidding. kinda.

  4. Happy birthday Peter!

    This was such a great post, I must agree with Tia…if only my ex’s and I had such great relationships!

  5. This is lovely. How nice to have someone say such wonderful things about you and have you not be dead.

    Happy birthday, fellow Scorpio.

  6. I kind of feel like I should stop calling you “Jerkface”…how did you manage to get an ex to say such nice things about you? I would bet a hefty sum of money (5 dollars) that none of my exes would be so kind. Perhaps I am the jerkface? No, that’s impossible.

    Where was I?


  7. Everyone: Thanks for the birthday wishes! It was a very nice day.

    tia: She did alright, eh? You know, despite playing down the rugged handsomeness.

    kris: We Scorpios have to stick together. And provide alibis.

    mindy: I told you that I was delightful!

  8. I missed this, and therefore your birthday – but because this post was so awesome, I’m jumping on the belated bandwagon. Happy birthday!

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