I forgot to set the sleep timer on my TV last night and I woke up at some point to “Blind Date.” A dude was coming on too strong, but thinking he was doing great, while a chick was shutting him down. Have you seen that one? That started me wondering what I would be like as a contestant on the show. And, you know, I think it would go a little something like this.[A commercial for “UTI” medication ends…]
Roger Lodge: Welcome to Blind Date. I’m Roger Lodge.[Roger turns to another camera.]
Roger Lodge: Our first date tonight is between Daphne, a former beauty queen and Peter, a ruggedly charming Canadian. Daphne’s motto is “Sorority Sistas 4 Lyfe” and Peter doesn’t like people very much. Let’s see if the sparks fly.[Cheesy music starts and cheap-ass graphics zip on and then off the screen.]
Peter walks up to Daphne’s door and knocks. Daphne answers with a smile.
Daphne: Hi there! How are you?
Peter: I’m good, thanks. I’m Peter.
Daphne: I’m Daphne. But, spelled in a different way. Mine has an “E.”
Peter: Doesn’t Daphne usually have an E?
Daphne: Yes, but mine isn’t where you’d expect.
Daphne: Let’s go. I’m hungrier than a hostage. But, at least I’m not all dirty like one. Ewww.[Peter looks at his watch.] [Peter and Daphne enter the restaurant.]
Daphne: Ohhh. Look at those lobsters in the tank. That’s so sad. If you were a good date you would set them free for me.
Peter: Normally I would, but last week I tried to set some frozen apple strudels free from the grocery store and things went horribly awry.
Daphne: I don’t understand…
Peter: Oh look. Our table is ready.[Our daters are seated at their table and ordering from the waiter.]
Daphne: I’ll have the small garden salad, and an Evian with a slice of lime in it.
Peter: Seriously? That’s it.
Daphne: Everything else has meat in it. I am a staunch vegetarian. I can’t even stand to see meat on a plate.
Peter: I understand. (To waiter.) I’ll take a burger.
Daphne: OMG! I can’t believe you just did that.
Peter: Did you just say “O-M-G?”
Daphne: Have you ever been to one of those cow slaughtering places?
Peter: Not yet, but if I keep wishing, maybe it’ll happen.
Daphne: Do you know how the cows die?
Peter: I don’t suppose the answer is old age?
Peter: Aren’t you wearing leather boots?
Daphne: I am. Don’t you just love how slim they make my legs look?[Five minutes later.]
Daphne: Men find my beauty to be intimating.
Peter: Yeah. That sounds like a hell of a cross to bear.[Pop-up bubble dealie says, “Peter is checking out the waitress’ butt.”]
Daphne: What are you doing?
Peter: Checking out the waitress’ butt.[Pop-up bubble dealie says, “See!?”]
Daphne: Don’t you think that’s a little rude?
Peter: Yeah, probably…[Five minutes later.]
Daphne: I LOVE “Family Guy.” Love it.
Peter: Do you love it though?
Daphne: I love it. What is your favourite episode?
Peter: I hate that show with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.
Daphne: That’s a lot of suns.
Peter: Some of them may have been counted more than once.[Peter and Daphne are now standing on a basketball court.]
Daphne: Don’t I look hot in these gym shorts?
Daphne: So, you are going to let me win?
Peter: No.[Montage of Peter blocking Daphne’s shots repeatedly. After the last one…]
Peter: Keep that weak [expletive deleted] out of here. Whoooo![Montage of Peter raining jump shots over Daphne as she files her nails.] [Now Peter and Daphne are back in their regular clothes and walking down the sidewalk.]
Daphne: This has been a great date. We should totally do it again?
Daphne: Sure! When I was in pageants, my talent was baton-twirling.
Peter: Mine too.
Daphne: So, where do you stand on the war? I don’t believe that a president would ever take his country to war without a good reason.[Peter just stares.] [A montage of Daphne quotes begins…]
Daphne: I wrote a letter to Martha Stewart in prison.
Daphne: I ONLY listen to Jennifer Lopez’ music.
Daphne: I think that ‘Gilmore girls’ sucked. And Lauren Graham isn’t that cute.
Daphne: I think that poor people just aren’t trying hard enough.
Daphne: Higher fence… fewer Mexicans. I’m just sayin’.[They arrive at Daphne’s front door. Peter looks all glossy-eyed and beat-down.]
Daphne: I wear size seven shoes, but only size six boots.
Peter: (Checking watch) You don’t say.
Daphne: My cat is named “Biscuit.”
Peter: Uh huh.
Daphne: I have absolutely no gag reflex.[Silence for a few moments.]
Peter: You know, maybe we SHOULD have a second date.