The Blind Date One

I forgot to set the sleep timer on my TV last night and I woke up at some point to “Blind Date.” A dude was coming on too strong, but thinking he was doing great, while a chick was shutting him down. Have you seen that one? That started me wondering what I would be like as a contestant on the show. And, you know, I think it would go a little something like this.

[A commercial for “UTI” medication ends…]

Roger Lodge: Welcome to Blind Date. I’m Roger Lodge.

[Roger turns to another camera.]

Roger Lodge: Our first date tonight is between Daphne, a former beauty queen and Peter, a ruggedly charming Canadian. Daphne’s motto is “Sorority Sistas 4 Lyfe” and Peter doesn’t like people very much. Let’s see if the sparks fly.

[Cheesy music starts and cheap-ass graphics zip on and then off the screen.]

Peter walks up to Daphne’s door and knocks. Daphne answers with a smile.

Daphne: Hi there! How are you?

Peter: I’m good, thanks. I’m Peter.

Daphne: I’m Daphne. But, spelled in a different way. Mine has an “E.”

Peter: Doesn’t Daphne usually have an E?

Daphne: Yes, but mine isn’t where you’d expect.

Peter: What?

Daphne: Let’s go. I’m hungrier than a hostage. But, at least I’m not all dirty like one. Ewww.

[Peter looks at his watch.]

[Peter and Daphne enter the restaurant.]

Daphne: Ohhh. Look at those lobsters in the tank. That’s so sad. If you were a good date you would set them free for me.

Peter: Normally I would, but last week I tried to set some frozen apple strudels free from the grocery store and things went horribly awry.

Daphne: I don’t understand…

Peter: Oh look. Our table is ready.

[Our daters are seated at their table and ordering from the waiter.]

Daphne: I’ll have the small garden salad, and an Evian with a slice of lime in it.

Peter: Seriously? That’s it.

Daphne: Everything else has meat in it. I am a staunch vegetarian. I can’t even stand to see meat on a plate.

Peter: I understand. (To waiter.) I’ll take a burger.

Daphne: OMG! I can’t believe you just did that.

Peter: Did you just say “O-M-G?”

Daphne: Have you ever been to one of those cow slaughtering places?

Peter: Not yet, but if I keep wishing, maybe it’ll happen.

Daphne: Do you know how the cows die?

Peter: I don’t suppose the answer is old age?

Daphne: No!

Peter: Aren’t you wearing leather boots?

Daphne: I am. Don’t you just love how slim they make my legs look?

[Five minutes later.]

Daphne: Men find my beauty to be intimating.

Peter: Yeah. That sounds like a hell of a cross to bear.

[Pop-up bubble dealie says, “Peter is checking out the waitress’ butt.”]

Daphne: What are you doing?

Peter: Checking out the waitress’ butt.

[Pop-up bubble dealie says, “See!?”]

Daphne: Don’t you think that’s a little rude?

Peter: Yeah, probably…

[Five minutes later.]

Daphne: I LOVE “Family Guy.” Love it.

Peter: Do you love it though?

Daphne: I love it. What is your favourite episode?

Peter: I hate that show with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Daphne: That’s a lot of suns.

Peter: Some of them may have been counted more than once.

[Peter and Daphne are now standing on a basketball court.]

Daphne: Don’t I look hot in these gym shorts?

Peter: Yes.

Daphne: So, you are going to let me win?

Peter: No.

[Montage of Peter blocking Daphne’s shots repeatedly. After the last one…]

Peter: Keep that weak [expletive deleted] out of here. Whoooo!

[Montage of Peter raining jump shots over Daphne as she files her nails.]

[Now Peter and Daphne are back in their regular clothes and walking down the sidewalk.]

Daphne: This has been a great date. We should totally do it again?

Peter: Honestly?

Daphne: Sure! When I was in pageants, my talent was baton-twirling.

Peter: Mine too.

Daphne: So, where do you stand on the war? I don’t believe that a president would ever take his country to war without a good reason.

[Peter just stares.]

[A montage of Daphne quotes begins…]

Daphne: I wrote a letter to Martha Stewart in prison.

Daphne: I ONLY listen to Jennifer Lopez’ music.

Daphne: I think that ‘Gilmore girls’ sucked. And Lauren Graham isn’t that cute.

Daphne: I think that poor people just aren’t trying hard enough.

Daphne: Higher fence… fewer Mexicans. I’m just sayin’.

[They arrive at Daphne’s front door. Peter looks all glossy-eyed and beat-down.]

Daphne: I wear size seven shoes, but only size six boots.

Peter: (Checking watch) You don’t say.

Daphne: My cat is named “Biscuit.”

Peter: Uh huh.

Daphne: I have absolutely no gag reflex.

[Silence for a few moments.]

Peter: You know, maybe we SHOULD have a second date.

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  1. MissE says:

    Your mind is a slightly scary place, Peter.

    Scary… but fuuuuuunnnnnnny!

    Daphne sounds *fab*… I’m amazed Peter didn’t club her to death like a baby seal. Although that no gag reflex thing would be a valid reason to pause, I guess.

  2. Erika says:

    I’m surprised Peter didn’t bitch-slap Daphne when she mentioned the oh-so-sacred LG not being cute.

  3. Stefanie says:

    I was hoping you’d mention the little pop-up bubble revealing Peter’s secret thoughts. That’s always the most ridiculous part of an already ridiculous show.

  4. Eve says:

    OMG, it’s like totally existential.

  5. ~Tim says:

    Does she have a sister?

  6. Rachel says:

    HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH
    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

    *whipes eyes*

    i know that women!

  7. Cyber D says:

    I embarassed to say that I have seen that show, having said that… you would never make the casting cut. The dudes have to be about as self-indulgent as the chicks or completly retarted… preferably both.

  8. James Cooper says:

    I’m with erika on thinking the L-G comment was going to be the dealbreaker. Still, no gag reflex huh?

  9. Cait says:

    See, this is why we’d never work. I’m a vegetarian who loves Family Guy. And I’d probably leave you crying on a basketball court.
    But I do love LG…

  10. Steph says:

    Haaaaaahaha! Thank you. I needed that laugh.

  11. Airam says:

    Ha! Not only would I watch this show but I’d order to have my own copy of it.

  12. Kristi says:

    Edaphn sounds fun. And srsly…poor people aren’t trying hard enough.

  13. toby says:

    Ha ha! Outstanding. We are such deeply shallow beings.
    At first, I thought you were describing a real tv show, then I thought it was a dream, then a shaggy dog story. But, of course, it was a morality tale.
    btw my “Daphne” was called Kate.

  14. ruby says:

    “white hot intensity of a thousand suns”…we used to say that in high school actually…great blog!

  15. Amber says:

    That had me laughing all the way through.

    Too funny!

  16. sediqa says:

    I can’t believe you didn’t let Daphne win the basketball game. What’s wrong with you?

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