The Bill Simmons drinking game

– Take a drink anytime he mentions Jimmy Kimmel or his show. Take a bonus drink if you know whether or not said show is still on TV.

– Take a drink anytime he mentions his father falling asleep.

– Take a drink anytime he takes a jab at Vince Carter and — Never mind, Carter is a carpet bagging piece of crap.

– Take a drink anytime he sounds disconsolate when someone covers a spread.

– Take a drink anytime he “jokes” about his gambling problem.

– Take a drink anytime he uses a nickname instead of the real name of one of his friends. (i.e. Sully, J-Bug, J-Sully, Cellar Bug, etc.)

– Take a drink anytime he mentions an 80s movie that you’ve never seen. Bonus drink if Lori Loughlin is in it.

– Take a drink of sake anytime he makes reference to “The Karate Kid.”

– Take a drink anytime he gets a call on his cell from one of his friends at an inopportune time. Bonus drink if it’s a fantasy league trade offer. (Be warned, for 30-somethings these dudes spend more time on their phones that the girls from ‘Sweet Valley High.’)

– Take a drink anytime he sounds like he wants to beat Roger Clemens with a sack of oranges.

– Take a drink anytime it sounds like Sports Gal wants to beat him with a sack of oranges.

– Take a drink anytime he pokes fun at the WNBA. Bonus drink if you completely agree with what he’s saying, but are smart enough not to verbalize it.

– Take a drink if you’ve always wondered if Sports Gal is cute because you figure she’s going to leave him for making WNBA jokes with J-Bug on his cell phone during a get together with her family.

– Take a drink anytime he mentions Mischa Barton. Take two if he mentions Rachel Bilson. Come on!

– Take a drink anytime he mentions one of his ideas for a new TV show. 5 bonus drinks if it is a “White Shadow” remake featuring Darko Milicic using his Euro charm on a rascally group of misunderstood inner city youth.

– Take HALF a drink anytime he mentions: a Maloof brother, “The Real World,” Adam Corolla, Boof, a corollary, a pantheon, a [insert name here] face, his editor, a bloody sock, Tom Brady’s handsome mug, or the movie ‘Hoosiers.’

*Do not try this game if any of the Boston-based sports franchises are in contention for a title. Unless you are curious where your “Ow! My liver” face falls in the pantheon of sports fan suffering.

Comments to peterdewolf@gmail.com

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