Yesterday a friend e-mailed me a link to the online dating site ad of a girl that I BRIEFLY dated a decade or so ago. And, like most other people would be, I was curious to see how she had described herself. After a quick glance, I noticed the complete absence of phrases such as “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” and “the anti-christ.” So, I know that she wasn’t completely forthcoming.
This led me to think that maybe the whole internet dating scene would work even better if everyone was completely and absolutely honest about themselves.
I mean brutally honest.
Isn’t it better to find out all the bad stuff upfront? Otherwise you can meet a nice girl, spend weeks getting to know her, and then BAM! you find out that she watches “Family Guy.” I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
You can probably guess where I’m going with this…
What would I write?
Good question. I’m glad you asked.[Please note, I reserve the right to make things up for my own amusement.]
My Honest Personal Ad
By Peter DeWolf
1) I’m going to be sarcastic. Frequently. And even when I feel that you’ve had enough and are on the verge of stabbing me with some kind of homemade shiv, I’ll make one more annoying comment. I don’t know why. But, it’s going to happen.
2) I’m oddly obsessed with the colour of your bra and panties matching. I’m a stickler about this — even while I’m wearing Homer Simpson boxers that are completely falling apart.
3) I am not going to shave frequently. But, you have to. Seriously. Just the thought of it — Eeeeep.
4) I don’t really care about that chick at work that you are feuding with. Oh, it is going to seem like I care. I’m going to say the right things and have your back completely. But down deep I’ll be thinking, “Buy her a drink, punch her in the face, or get the hell over it. How friggin’ old are you people?”
5) I may screen your call if you try to catch me during “Gilmore girls.” This will enrage you.
6) The reason for #5 is that I have a crush on Lauren Graham. It’s best that you make your peace with that now.
7) The Toronto Raptors play 82 basketball games a year. I am going to try to tune in for every single one. I won’t be listening to anything you say during the games. I also don’t stand behind anything I agreed to do while watching a Raptors game. Nice try though.
8) I’m probably not going to think you look fat. Like ever. And if you say something like, “Oh, don’t touch me. I feel huge,” this is going to baffle me. I’ll be thinking, “But, doesn’t someone wanting to touch you make you feel better about yourself?” Then I’ll lose interest in that madness and watch a Raptors game. I’ll also probably buy you your favourite snack foods anytime you are having a bad day.
9) I hate dancing. And if you somehow convince me to dance, you better believe that you’ll pay for it later.
10) I won’t watch DIRTY DANCING with you. Not going to happen. I also don’t give a flying fuck whether or not baby ever gets put in the corner.
11) I expect you to read my mind.
12) I expect slavish devotion. If you aren’t with me, you are against me. I’m not entirely sure who I’m at war with, but you best be in my bunker.
13) I like hookers. Just kidding… I actually like strippers. KIDDING. I like hookers AND strippers. Okay, I jest.
14) I like cocktail waitresses.
15) I enjoy any and all versions of “Landslide,” “Wonderwall” and Leonard Cohen’s “Halleujah.”
16) I like “good girls” and “nice girls.” If you have to ask whether or not you fall into one of these categories, you probably don’t.
18) I make overly long numbered lists.
If you are still interested, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org – But, I won’t even look at your mail until after I’m done watching “Gilmore girls.”