I don’t normally post on Saturdays. But, today I decided to make an exception.
I have realized that yesterday’s non-post upset some people.
Poor Susie was shaken TO HER VERY CORE.
I received tear-stained e-mails. I received drunken sobbing voice mails. Including one where she was trying to order a pizza. Which seemed a bit odd.
So for Susie, and all the Susies out there, here is a post.
Since it is Super Bowl weekend, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention something about it.
Remiss and bitter. Very, very bitter.
When my beloved Colts lost, I said smell you later to the NFL and flipped it off over my shoulder as I walked away.
I’m ragey like that.
I decided that I wasn’t going to pay attention to the sport at all until the draft in April. But, then I realized that the Colts don’t have a first round pick this year. My reaction sounded something like this:
(It may help to imagine me making two fists and gritting my teeth.)
I recovered just in time to hear news that Coach Dungy might retire.
Thankfully that wasn’t the case. I am not sure what would have happened to me. I would have had nothing to believe in. I might have robbed a bank or joined a gang or become a Republican.
I don’t even want to think about it.
I’m not actually going to watch the Super Bowl — or the 73 hours or pre-game horse shit*.
(*Gmail spellcheck accepts “shit” as a word! But, not “Spellcheck.”)
I can’t risk the possibility of seeing Randy Moss win a Super Bowl.
Some of you are probably saying “Watch it for the commercials!” I would consider that. Maybe. But, my Canadian satellite dish company replaces American commercials with Canadian ones. Even when I am watching it on Fox! I am not even sure how that is legal, but it is what it is. And if I really want to watch ads that were too expensive to produce and air, yet don’t really inspire many people to change their opinion about the product or service, I am sure they’ll be on youtube.
“Hmmmm. You know, these two busty ladies wrestling in a fountain in their bikinis have really convinced me that the beer sitting in the background DOESN’T actually taste like evil and hate.”
As the game gets closer, I am starting to get a good feeling about the Giants. Maybe I am naively optimistic. (Maybe??) Maybe I just love an underdog. But, I think they have a shot. One good hit on Baby Maker Brady and he could tweak his injured ankle. Then all bets are off.
Speaking of bets… I might consider wagering on the Giants.
Not cash though.
I feel like I have a problem gambler living inside me. I have an addictive personality and I take losing personally. That’s a recipe for disaster right there.
I’ll end up like Ben on that episode of “Felicity” when he starts betting on college basketball with that little bookie dude, and then some big meatheads have to beat him for not paying up.
Not that I watched Felicity.
*whistles and looks around nervously*
I’d lose a bet and then try to make up for it by betting twice as much on the next game. I would be a mess. Britney Spears’ dad would have had to start making my decisions for me.
That’s not good for anybody.
So, I am not watching the Super Bowl.
But, if the Patriots win, I’ll be getting very different e-mails from Susie…
And the thousands of other people from New England that I’ve talked smack to during this football season.
I should probably shut off my phone and laptop Sunday night.