stories that kinda make me look bad and drabble info

(So I didn’t really set a firm deadline for getting the drabbles in.  And I know that a couple of stragglers are still working on them.  Let’s say that if the link to them is in my inbox by 6 am eastern tomorrow morning, they are in the contest.  Cool?  Cool.)

I’ve mentioned my friend Melanie here a few times.  Not as often as she’d like, I’m sure.

Mel is a long-time real life female friend.

I’ve had other female friends over the years.  But late night make-out sessions made things weeeeeeeird.  Or they were dating my friends, and when my friends cheated on them they were bitter that I didn’t tell them.

1) I’m not a rat.

2)  Seriously?  The bro code.  Come on.

In one case I absolutely adored the girl.  We were good friends.  But I denied denied denied.  Even after, unbeknownst to me, my buddy came clean to her.  She had to physically drag him over in front of me.

Him: It’s true.  I told her.

Me: (turning to her) Screw it.  Fiiiiiiiiine.  He cheated on you.  Happy?

I felt bad about that one.  She’s a sweetie.  And she even set me up with her sister.  (If Melanie was telling this story, she would mention a confusion over names that would make me look bad.)

(But she isn’t.  Sooo nyah!)

I think I’ve known Melanie since I was 5.   And we started going to the same junior high when we were 12.  So she knows a few stories about me.  (And will never, ever be asked to guest post.)

Jump ahead to this past weekend.  Melanie brought a female friend home from the city.

A CUTE female friend.

Melanie even brought her to my house.  (I wanted to hug Mel a little for that.)

They got out of the car and were talking to my sister, my bro-in-law, my dad and The ACN in the driveway.

I was still in the house thinking, “Uhm… there’s a pretty girl.  In my driveway.  I’m unsure how to proceed.”

I should mention at this point that my town has a dating pool the size of a shot glass.  A dirty shot glass.  So seeing pretty girls is not a common occurrence.  Except for seeing Melanie.  She is pretty and funny.  (Did I get that wording right, Mel?)

Annnnyway.  I decided that a good way to proceed would be to go outside where said pretty girl was.  I’m clever like that.

As I walked towards the door, I went down the list:

“No bats in the cave? Check.”

“Proper bend in bill of baseball cap and– I’m not wearing a cap!  Abort!  Abort!”  But I was already opening the door.

I walked out and noticed that pretty girl was talking to The ACN. (Manly swoon.)

Right away Melanie said, “Get me a copy of your book for Abby.”  (Not her real name.)

Oddly enough I just got one a couple of days before.  I don’t typically have a copy.  (Is that weird?)

Since I’m spectacularly easy to get along with when pretty girls are around, “Uhm.  OK!”

So I did.

[Then there was a thing with me switching sneakers which still baffles me a little.]

So Mel introduced me to Abby.  Very cute.  Seemed awesome.  And within, oh, 30 seconds, Melanie said to me…

“So, we were telling Abby the story* about that time we were trying to figure out if that girl [performed a much appreciated act on your most sensitive of organs]…”

As the Fran Drescher-esque “Whaaaaaat?” escaped my lips, I knew that there was very little chance that my plans for being all charming-like were going to be successful.

(*Even though it’s old as crap, Melanie enjoys the story because in it she asks me directly about the event and I ALLEGEDLY say “No” while nodding slyly.  And it was the first appearance of my oft-used, “She’s not a whore…  she’s just misunderstood.”)

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27 Responses

  1. Doni says:

    Hmmm… I hear your book’s halfway decent. Wouldn’t know though.

  2. Amanda says:

    Here’s my vote for a Melanie guest post.

  3. Matt says:

    Dude… chicks have no idea about man code. Its just something that they will never understand!

  4. brandy says:

    I’m leaving a comment here to tell you that I just read this post in my inbox and I think you should post it. And yes, funny.

  5. shine says:

    What happened to the part where you tell us the story? I’m still waiting…

    Can we talk about the shoe change? What are you? Mariah Carey at an awards show?

  6. melanie says:

    I’m Melanie, what do you want to know about Peter, I’ll tell you it all, right down to his batman underwear he use to sport when he was 10 :)

  7. melanie says:

    Inspector Gadget undies when he was older :)

  8. melanie says:

    he was 16 it was icky…

  9. Kara says:

    At least it was Batman undies. Batman over Superman any day. :)

  1. March 15, 2010

    […] Apparently The Monkey Facebook messaged Melanie to recruit her to be “the official photographer” of the party.  AND The Monkey expects […]

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