Simon's new phone…

The couple on the left is Simon and Monica.

I am not sure who the other two chicks are. Though the one on the right is usually up for a quickie in the coat room at a wedding. And she doesn’t believe in wearing underwear. Uhm, you know, or so I’ve heard.

Simon and Monica have been married for seven years. And, for the most part, that get along very well. They were college sweethearts, so they’ve learned to read each other. And there is genuine affection, which also aids in keeping the lines of communication open.

In this day and age, like many other couples, their lines of communication are often open via cellphones, e-mail, text messaging and the like. Simon LOVES gadgets.

Simon and Monica rarely fight. But, when they do, it is typically a doozy. Some phrases that have set off previous doozies include:

“Yes, your sister does have a great ass.”
“Do we need all of these sports channels on the satellite dish?”
“I may vote Republican this time.”
“Of all the ones I’ve seen, I’d say it’s average size.”

Simon and Monica are currently butt deep in another doozy.

They usually don’t like to go to work angry, but this time it was unavoidable. So, Simon is sitting in his cubicle. He is re-running the entire fight – so far – in his head. He drums on his desk, and work could not be further from his mind.

He has to talk to her.

He knows that Monica is out visiting clients today, so e-mail is not going to work.

He grabs his brand new Nokia cellphone – with voice dialing, Blue Tooth capability, and ten thousand other options he’ll never use but HAD to have included in his cellphone purchase.

Simon goes to the bathroom. He checks under each stall to make sure that he is alone. Then he whispers “Monica” into the phone and it begins dialing. She answers. But, before she can even say a word, he starts, in a whisper at first.

“Monica, this fight is stupid. In the grand scheme of things, how important is this? Really. I’ve had things I wanted to do, but you didn’t… And sometimes you gave in and did them for me. Not often enough mind you, but… Nevermind, I am getting off-track. I think we have a great marriage. You are the love of my life. I will do anything for you. So, if this is important to you, then I am right behind you. That’s how we work. Even if I really don’t want to do this, I will. For you. Monica, you are a kind, sweet, beautiful, amazing woman. You are a gentle, precious flower… and I will do you in the ass. If that is what you need to be happy, I will do you in the ass. I’ll do it. Do you hear me, Monica? I’ll DO YOU IN THE ASS!!!”

There is a long pause. Then Simon hears a female voice reply.

“Sweetie… this is your mother. Your phone dialed ‘Mom’ instead of ‘Monica’. Again. I always told you that you should enunciate more.”

Simon almost collapses. “Mom? I… Oh… It’s… Hi. Are we still on for dinner this weekend?”

“Yes.”

“What are we having?” Simon nervously mumbles.

“Well, we WERE having rump roast,” his mother replies.

“And how is Dad? Is he feeli–“

“I’m hanging up now, Simon.”

“I really wish you would.”

*click*

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  1. Kukka-Maria says:

    I don’t get it. So his mom is anti-butt-sexing or what?

    My mom talks to me about this type of thing all the time. Maybe, because I’m a cat, she doesn’t think I understand what she’s saying.

    Fool.

  2. James Cooper says:

    Heh, awkward situations that last a lifetime are always good comedy fodder.

    There’s an episode of the British comedy series Coupling that has a good awkward misunderstanding wherein the word whistling had been used by a couple as a metaphor for masturbation. The woman’s parents, not knowing of the dual meaning, mentioned to the boyfriend that “if you whistle too much, when Susan gets home you might not be able to pucker.”

    The last word was gravely misunderstood and led to much awkward hilarity.

    The rest of the episode was absolutely brilliant though and my little excerpt hardly did it justice at all. Definitely a series worth watching.

  3. treespotter says:

    two questions:

    (i) the girl on the right, does she blog? is she around?

    (ii) how, exactly, do you manage to accumulate so much details in this affair?

  4. Peter says:

    kukka-maria: His mother just knows that there is a time and place for such discussions… And that is at the beauty salon.

    James: I’ve seen a couple episodes of “Coupling.” (I don’t mean the horrible American attempt at remaking it.) It was funny.

    treespotter: (i) Well, she gets around. If that helps you. (ii) I know people who know people.

  5. treespotter says:

    can i get to know people who know her?

  6. Peter says:

    treespotter: Sadly she fears the internet as much as she fears underwear.

  7. Zeus says:

    I can’t believe Simon’s mom wasn’t more supportive. How sad…she should have at least told him how proud she was of him that he made a committment to such a hard, rough, and somewhat narrow road.

  8. Kate says:

    Ahhh, I understand.

    “Simon and Monica are currently butt deep in another doozy.”

    Foreshadowing.

    Clever.

    k

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