Herman Melville once said, “A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things.”
What a dick.
Actually, there are a few things that I just don’t understand:
The popularity of “Family Guy.” The Middle East. Quiche. What “the dutchie” is, and why they are so adamant that we pass it. Why most movies are made. Sex and the City. Why anyone would want to be an accountant. Why no one will admit that The Killers’ “Sam’s Town” wasn’t that bad. Using the neutral zone trap in hockey. The interest in celebrity weddings. The interest in celebrities (who aren’t Lauren Graham.) The interest in weddings.
And Julia Allison.
If you don’t know who Miss Allison is, that’s fine. I didn’t either. Then one day, Susie quoted her.
“Susie is cool bananas” I thought. “Maybe I should go check this Julia Allison person out.”
Yes, I think things like “cool bananas.” What?
And the first thing I saw on JA’s tumblr was this:
Let’s face it, Cute girl + 80s music = Happy Peter
(Which is, as everyone knows, “Newton’s Third Law of Mrrrrrrroooowwwwwwrrrr.”)
So, I linked to that video on my blog the very next day. And I immediately got feedback on the link from two friends. Both are women in their twenties. Both are from NY. Both are super intelligent and educated. Both have good taste. I trust both of their opinons.
But, one HATES J-All, while the other one adoooores her.
Ever the word smith, my reply was, “But… But… But… Whaaaaa?”
How could this be?
Still, I was hooked. I had to find out more about this polarizing little minx. The things I’ll do to procrastinate…
So, I read her tumblr. I watched some of her videos. I “met” her pretty friends. (Most of whom turn me into an Italian grandmother and make me want to say “Mangia! Mangia!”)
I may have even sent her an email once when she seemed sad. Not because I expected, or even wanted, a reply. But, because I thought that my delightful charm and cleverness would brighten her day.
It is cute that you think that I’m kidding.
It is strange that I would be reading her blog at all. Mostly because pretty much everything she seems to be writing on, falls at the top of the list of things that I don’t really give too much of a fuck about. Fashion, celebs, gossip, hot spots, NY, etc.
And yet, every once in a while she’ll write something that makes her seem so warm and genuine. It almost seems out of place in the little world she’s living in and reporting on.
And then I become intrigued all over again.
Her detractors will tell you that she is fake and calculating and an attention whore and possibly more evil than a hypothetical lovechild of Hitler and Shelley Long.
And yet, if pressed, I bet most of them could think of something nice to say about her too.
(Oh, by the way, if you don’t like Julia Allison, please don’t use my comment space to trash her. That section should only be used for love and happiness… And for lavishing me with the praise that fuuuuuuuuuuels me!!!!! I’m kidding about that part. I AM. Shut it.)
So, after countless hours — or, you know, ten minutes a week — I was still no closer to unraveling the mystery that is Julia Allison.
She is a pretty swirling vortex of contradictions. I suppose that all vortices swirl…
Vapid gossip monger with heart of gold?
At this point I realized that my investigation was cutting into my Facebook Scrabulous time. So, I decided that I liked Julia Allison.
That, my friends, was that.
Or was it…?
At some point later, I caught wind of some report from someplace that maybe Julia Allison had some work done. At 26/27?!? I was horrified. Because, you know, it was obviously totally my business. Still, it bothered me. It made me sad that a beautiful young woman would think this was necessary.
I looked at the series of pics that she posted from her past birthdays. I was trying to see if her face looked different. Well, different in an unnatural way. And I convinced myself that it did.
It kind of ruined the whole thing for me. (Much like an ex girlfriend tried to do to me once by saying that Lauren Graham has shoulders “like a linebacker.” Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.)
But, then I saw her wearing these jeans and liked her again…
Hey, I’m still a dude.
Tomorrow’s post: “Quiche… so, like, it’s just egg pie?”