I think, in general, I’m not a bad fella.
If there is a good guy route and a bad guy route, I typically take the good guy one.
More than half the time anyway.
Sometimes I’ll go on a shooting spree across three provinces, but who amongst us hasn’t?
But, something dawned on me recently.
I finally saw KNOCKED UP — Hellafied, I totally get the hotel/chair joke bit that you did now! — and realized something during the birth scene. Actually I re-realized it, since the first time I realized it was during DR. T & THE WOMEN. (Horrible movie.)
I don’t actually ever want to see a baby… coming out.
If I witnessed that in real life… It would just be bad bananas all around.
Don’t get me wrong, if I do impregnate some unsuspecting woman, I don’t want to be one of those fathers who was out playing golf during child birth. I don’t even want to be one of those fathers watching sports in the waiting room. (Maybe if it was the playoffs…)
I want to be in the delivery room.
But, would it be wrong if I remained above the equator at all times?
Squeeze my hand all you want.
Scream obscenities at me.
Blame me for everything you can think of.
No problem! I’ve been in relationships before.
Just don’t make me watch the actual event.
Even if this IS a bit of an issue, I think that I could maybe make up for it before and after.
I expect to be an insane spoiler during pregnancy. Middle of the night ice cream run? I’m on it! Back rubs… foot rubs… picking up the hemorrhoid cream? I’m your huckleberry. Kill a drifter because he looked at you the wrong way? Get me my tarp and lye.
And after the twerp comes home, I can do my share of night feedings. And, after a rough start, I am now totally capable of changing diapers filled with just about anything. I’ll be completely hands on.
I love kids… I just don’t want to greet them at the door.
Is that so wrong?
Also, if I could stare into your beautiful eyes for a few extra seconds while they wipe some of the glop off the little bundle of joy, would that be cool?
Did I go too far?