Quick question…

I think, in general, I’m not a bad fella.

If there is a good guy route and a bad guy route, I typically take the good guy one.

More than half the time anyway.

Sometimes I’ll go on a shooting spree across three provinces, but who amongst us hasn’t?

But, something dawned on me recently.

I finally saw KNOCKED UP — Hellafied, I totally get the hotel/chair joke bit that you did now! — and realized something during the birth scene. Actually I re-realized it, since the first time I realized it was during DR. T & THE WOMEN. (Horrible movie.)

I don’t actually ever want to see a baby… coming out.

If I witnessed that in real life… It would just be bad bananas all around.

Don’t get me wrong, if I do impregnate some unsuspecting woman, I don’t want to be one of those fathers who was out playing golf during child birth. I don’t even want to be one of those fathers watching sports in the waiting room. (Maybe if it was the playoffs…)

I want to be in the delivery room.

Absolutely.

But, would it be wrong if I remained above the equator at all times?

Squeeze my hand all you want.

Scream obscenities at me.

Blame me for everything you can think of.

No problem! I’ve been in relationships before.

Just don’t make me watch the actual event.

Even if this IS a bit of an issue, I think that I could maybe make up for it before and after.

I expect to be an insane spoiler during pregnancy. Middle of the night ice cream run? I’m on it! Back rubs… foot rubs… picking up the hemorrhoid cream? I’m your huckleberry. Kill a drifter because he looked at you the wrong way? Get me my tarp and lye.

And after the twerp comes home, I can do my share of night feedings. And, after a rough start, I am now totally capable of changing diapers filled with just about anything. I’ll be completely hands on.

I love kids… I just don’t want to greet them at the door.

Is that so wrong?

Also, if I could stare into your beautiful eyes for a few extra seconds while they wipe some of the glop off the little bundle of joy, would that be cool?

Did I go too far?

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  1. non-Blondie says:

    Oh hell no, I wouldn’t want the father to be staring into my gaping hell hole as I give birth. In fact, if doctors could just do it all by feel, from under a sheet or something, that would be excellent. I can’t imagine that you’d ever want to do anything sexual ever again to a woman who youd watched squeeze a baby out of her lady parts.

  2. Countess B says:

    I was a coach for my best friend. Her husband was with us as well. The agreement was that I wouldn’t have to look below the waist, however her dear hubby chickened out, and couldn’t bring himself to look. She was doing it without meds, and was SCREAMING for someone to tell her if the baby was crowning…what could I do but look? It was a defining moment in my life. Very horrifying, reassuring, and amazing all at once.

    Did I want to stare at it? No.

    Was it still amazing to see? Yes

  3. Mim says:

    My husband said the exact same thing when we watched Knocked Up. I had to politely inform him that they usually place a mirror at the foot of the bed so that the person pushing that watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon can see all their hard work come to fruition.

    I think it will be somewhat like a car wreck, where you just can’t look away. Once you lay eyes upon it you’re stuck.

  4. skepptic says:

    Thank God I wasn’t the only one who was like, “Wash the fucking baby off already.”

  5. mindy says:

    I’ve heard that it’s almost unavoidable…that there’s not much difference between “up there” and “holy-shit-what-is-that-thing” due to positioning and such. So, good luck with that, sir.

  6. Fraulein N says:

    I’m with non-blondie. If there’s a way that we could do it with NOBODY looking, that would be fab.

    Also, yes, please wash the baby off before you bring it to me. Do you know where that thing has been?!

  7. CamiKaos says:

    You are totally fine not to look “down there” during the birth process. That is what the doctor is for. They get paid to see all the creepy shit that goes on during birth.

  8. Clink says:

    Hell, I don’t even want to see what’s going on down there let alone have M check it out.

    I agree with non-blondie: it’d be pretty hard for anyone to get that image out of their head, which could put a damper on post-baby sex.

  9. molly says:

    I think it’s perfectly fine to want to stay up top. As long as you’re there and supportive, that’s all that matters.

    But, I wouldn’t be surprised when the time comes if you actually want to see YOUR kid enter the world. Just saying…

  10. MissE says:

    That said – what is with people who film the process and then want to share it with family and friends???

  11. Peter says:

    misse: I would think that the wife would want to shoot the husband for ever considering such a thing.

  12. sybil law says:

    Hey – I had a kid, and I didn’t want to see it, either!! I seriously got yelled at to look by the doctor, midwife, my mom, husband and the anesthesiologists. I looked. It was weird, but then again I was pretty distracted. My husband wasn’t going to look, but he did – and he was completely fascinated, and bawling like a baby himself. He watched more than I did! All in all, I totally agreee with you, but in the end – I think you’ll look, anyway. Sort of like roadkill or a bad, bad accident – you can’t NOT look. :)

  13. Kathy says:

    De-lurking because I just rented Knocked Up about a week ago. I don’t have kids, so I have no authority whatsoever about childbirth, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want the father, um, that close to the action. The fewer people “down there” the better.

  14. CamiKaos says:

    I didn’t want to know either. That’s why I didn’t look when I gave birth, despite the commands of the doctor and all the nurses to look into the mirror they set up… NO LOOKIE… I didn’t think I would be able to have sex with myself ever again if I saw…

  15. lfar says:

    I love that the impregnated woman was unsuspected. “Who? What? Awww Peter! What have you done? I wasn’t expecting that!”

  16. lfar says:

    **unsuspecting, not unsuspected.

    Though I wouldn’t have suspected her.

  17. A Lover and a Fighter says:

    also though? if my husband was trying to stare at me the whole time I was giving birth, i’d punch him in the junk. talk about performance anxiety. being stared at makes me so cranky. i’d probably start yelling that this wasn’t the discovery channel and i wasn’t here to entertain him.

    and seeing a birth is not bad. It’s actually kind of awesome.

  18. Slightly Disorganized says:

    I agree with this logic. The vah-jay should be a sacred place of pleasure, not an insane disgusting baby maker. Because otherwise, how will I get you to knock me up a second time, having seen the birth firsthand in it’s blood and guts glory??

    Just saying.

  19. twobuyfour says:

    I agree completely. As the father of two beautiful babies, my role at both birthings was almost exclusively above the equator, and I was perfectly happy with that.

    I was not actually given the option of smoking and pacing in the waiting room. I don’t honestly know what my choice would have been had I had one.

  20. Ink Monkey Sweatshop says:

    I looked. Couldn’t help it. And I’m quite sorry I did. Whoever said child birth is the most beautiful thing you’ll ever witness never really looked.

  21. Princess of the Universe says:

    Ugh- I wouldn’t want to see it- why would I force someone else to?

  22. Anonymous says:

    I agree with you. I wouldn’t want my husband/boyfriend to see that kind of thing. Hell, I don’t even want to go throught that!

  23. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure you’re sterile.

  24. 123Valerie says:

    I’m still trying to figure out the physics of childbirth.

    Surely, we can find a better way. I mean, they invented Fruit Roll-Ups and jacuzzis, so a newer, better birthing procedure shouldn’t be too hard.

  25. Eve says:

    I don’t think I’d want the father to be a witness. I mean, it’s important to keep some sense of the mystique I think.

  26. Peter says:

    sybil: Your husband is a brave man. A brave, crazy man.

    kathy: Glad you de-lurked! I suppose it wouldn’t be a good feeling for the mother to see the sperm donor staring down there with a face of sheer horror either. Can’t be flattering.

    camikaos: I think if you gave you a few drinks and had just the right music…

    lisa: I find that my best seduction moves involve a good deal of “Hey! Look over there!”

    al&al: I'm not gonna lie, your natural inclination towards junk punching is making me nervous.

    sarah leigh: Yes! Pleasure… not abject fear.

    twobuyfour: I’m guessing that’s why you weren’t given the option?

    ink monkey: I can’t believe that I’ve never thought to ask you about it. Actually I CAN believe it. But, your little twerp is a cutiepie. And I think she liked me.

    princess of universe: So, I take it you’ll be requesting “no mirror!”

    anonymous: That is definitely one way to make sure a dude doesn’t have to watch.

    mr. fab: HA! Well played.

    123valerie: I don’t like fruit roll-ups either. But, for mostly different reasons.

    eve: Mystique. Yes! Exactly.

  27. Ashley says:

    Um seriously? I saw a video of a birth once from that perspective and lets just say I NEVER WANT TO HAVE KIDS. At least not birth them. Holy hell. And should i forget that image and birth a child i dont want anyone else to see that. I agree with Fraulein, please please wash that baby off before handing it to me. If i’ve waiting 9 months I can probably wait a few more minutes.

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