I don’t actually remember anything that I included on said list, but I am sure that it was just lousy with the awesome. And it probably contained some lies told for my own general amusement.
I’m like that.
But, if I was to re-do the list, I’d make it 101 things. And I would include a job that I recently realized that I would be so very ill-suited to have.
This will join a list of other jobs that I should probably never hold. A list that includes, but is not limited to, the following:
– oil driller
– crazy cat lady (allergies AND an almost total lack of a vagina)
– land baron
– printing press operator
– escaped con that’s been wrongly accused and is trying to clear his name
– totem pole carver
– gun fighter
– porn industry fluffer
– honest lawyer
– Queen of the Netherlands
and many more!
The job that will be added to the list is…
I can tell by those gasps that you are very surprised. Or just caught your nipples in your sliding keyboard tray.
While my love of purple fedoras and bejeweled walking sticks is legendary, it has become clear to me that I was not meant for runnin’ da bitches.
I have no actual experience in the area… that you know of. But, I just know, you know?
I think it will be easier for you to understand if I create a little scenario that could very well happen if I was, in fact, a full-time whore monger.
Setting: Peter’s Pimp Pad
Time: 8:55 pm, any Friday
Peter sits in the living room with his three top earners, Roxy, Trixie and Blanche.
Roxy: I’m so tiiiiired tonight, big daddy.
Trixie: Me too. I don’t think I’m up to it.
Pete the Pimp: Are you kidding me? It’s Friday night. I need you out there.
Blanche: Come on.
Trixie: We’ll work twice as long tomorrow night.
Pete the Pimp: Oh, crap. OK. Fine. We’ll ALL stay in and watch “NUMB3RS.” Happy?
Roxy: You are the best!
Trixie: What a relief. I am soooo wore out down there and —
Pete the Pimp: Bup bup bup! None of that talk. I don’t want to see behind the curtain.
Blanche: The meat curtain?
Pete the Pimp: Ewwwww. Come on. Show some class.
Blanche: We’re WHORES.
Pete the Pimp: You don’t have to act like one. Clearly someone didn’t finish finishing school.
Pete the Pimp: (Raising pimp hand) Don’t make me go over there.
Blanche: You couldn’t even spank me in bed the other night.
Roxy: Really? He spanked me last week like I stole something.
Trixie: You DID steal something.
Roxy: Oh yeah. *Tee hee*
Pete the Pimp: No talking. The show is starting.
Roxy: We’d rather watch “Close to Home.”
Pete the Pimp: Yeah, no dice.
Roxy: Come on… We’ll do crazy lesbian stuff during commercials.
Pete the Pimp: How crazy?
Pete the Pimp: Fiiiiiiiiiine.
Blanche: Can I hold the remote control?
Pete the Pimp: I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just ask that.