Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Many moons ago, I posted one of those “100 Things About Me” deals. (Part 1 and Part 2.)

I don’t actually remember anything that I included on said list, but I am sure that it was just lousy with the awesome. And it probably contained some lies told for my own general amusement.

I’m like that.

But, if I was to re-do the list, I’d make it 101 things. And I would include a job that I recently realized that I would be so very ill-suited to have.

This will join a list of other jobs that I should probably never hold. A list that includes, but is not limited to, the following:

– plumber
– oil driller
– crazy cat lady (allergies AND an almost total lack of a vagina)
– land baron
– printing press operator
– escaped con that’s been wrongly accused and is trying to clear his name
– blogger
– totem pole carver
– gun fighter
– porn industry fluffer
– honest lawyer
– Queen of the Netherlands
and many more!

The job that will be added to the list is…

Pimp.

I can tell by those gasps that you are very surprised. Or just caught your nipples in your sliding keyboard tray.

While my love of purple fedoras and bejeweled walking sticks is legendary, it has become clear to me that I was not meant for runnin’ da bitches.

I have no actual experience in the area… that you know of. But, I just know, you know?

I think it will be easier for you to understand if I create a little scenario that could very well happen if I was, in fact, a full-time whore monger.

Setting: Peter’s Pimp Pad
Time:
8:55 pm, any Friday

Peter sits in the living room with his three top earners, Roxy, Trixie and Blanche.

Roxy: I’m so tiiiiired tonight, big daddy.

Trixie: Me too. I don’t think I’m up to it.

Pete the Pimp: Are you kidding me? It’s Friday night. I need you out there.

Blanche: Come on.

Roxy: Pleeeeeease.

Trixie: We’ll work twice as long tomorrow night.

Pete the Pimp: Oh, crap. OK. Fine. We’ll ALL stay in and watch “NUMB3RS.” Happy?

Roxy: You are the best!

Trixie: What a relief. I am soooo wore out down there and —

Pete the Pimp: Bup bup bup! None of that talk. I don’t want to see behind the curtain.

Blanche: The meat curtain?

Pete the Pimp: Ewwwww. Come on. Show some class.

Blanche: We’re WHORES.

Pete the Pimp: You don’t have to act like one. Clearly someone didn’t finish finishing school.

Blanche: Whatever.

Pete the Pimp: (Raising pimp hand) Don’t make me go over there.

Blanche: You couldn’t even spank me in bed the other night.

Roxy: Really? He spanked me last week like I stole something.

Trixie: You DID steal something.

Roxy: Oh yeah. *Tee hee*

Pete the Pimp: No talking. The show is starting.

Roxy: We’d rather watch “Close to Home.”

Pete the Pimp: Yeah, no dice.

Roxy: Come on… We’ll do crazy lesbian stuff during commercials.

Pete the Pimp: How crazy?

Trixie: Ca-Razy.

Pete the Pimp: Fiiiiiiiiiine.

Blanche: Can I hold the remote control?

Pete the Pimp: I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just ask that.

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  1. Rachel says:

    blahahahahahaahaha!

  2. sween says:

    Okay.

    Yeah.

    This is my current favourite thing online.

  3. Erika says:

    An almost total lack of a vagina…killing me. I so needed to laugh today.

  4. jazz says:

    yeah, you’d be wayyy too nice to collect the money from them.

  5. pinknest says:

    i can’t believe you just wrote a screenplay about pimping.

  6. Peter says:

    Rachel: That’s good, right?

    Sween: Thanks, dude!

    Erika: Cool! Glad I could help you out.

    Jazz: Are you doubting my ability to keep my pimp hand strong?

    pinknest: I can’t believe that it has taken me this long to do it!

  7. Airam says:

    Hmmm … what remote control was she referring to?

  8. Rachel says:

    yup. if i do this:

    …. :)

    that means it’s bad. even though it’s a smiley face. ;)

  9. Peter says:

    airam: It’s probably best not to ask. She’s a *whispers* hoo-ker.

    rachel: How sweet of you to soften the blow with a smiley face. I’ll do my best not to earn any of those bad replies.

  10. Amber says:

    You make me laugh. A lot!

    I just read the entry you wrote on your niece’s 5 year birthday and fell totally in love with her, and maybe a little bit with you.

    But THEN, I read that you can’t spank a chick’s ass in the sack? That sucks. But if you pull hair, it might not be a complete deal-breaker!

    Haha, I’m only kidding (mostly) in that last paragraph. But am totally serious about the first.

    I’m so glad to see someone who recognizes how truly blessed they are when it comes to their family.

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