Peter & Eleni’s Infinite Conversation – Part 2

Go to Eleni Zoe’s blog to start learning all about men and women and to read part one of our discussion.

———-

Peter:  I think that the majority of people make things way too complicated. In general.

I think that success in romance comes down to one simple equation:

“the right person + the right time = annoying your friends and followers with swoony love tweets”

That’s it.

Now obviously that’s a bit of an oversimplification. You’ll need to work hard together. You’ll need to learn together. You’ll need to evolve together.

But if it’s the right person at the right time, that is all doable.

It is also important to take things at the right speed.

If on the second date you say something like “I’ve already named our children” or “I want to fill a duvet with your hair” you may be coming on a wee bit strong.

Again, timing is big.

Though I’m not sure the duvet thing is ever a good idea. Maybe try a pillow.

One thing especially stood out to me in your reply:

“I think that knowing ourselves and knowing what kind of person suits us is probably the surest way of having a happy and healthy relationship. But It’s not the fastest way NOR does it guarantee that’ll you’ll find him.”

The fastest way.

I think that is a mistake we’ve all made.

When we’re ready to meet someone, we think they should just show up.

It just doesn’t work like that.

I imagine you sitting there thinking, “I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m attractive, I’m fun, and I’m ready to be part of a great team… So where is he?”

And you’re completely correct.

But until you hit the right guy at the right time, I think you (everyone) should just keep doing the things that make you such a great catch in the first place.

Before I started dating Ashley, I was single for a long time.

A LONG time.

Did I ever doubt my awesomeness?

Not for a minute.

I knew it would have to be the right timing. I actually knew Ashley a little for two years before we started dating. I guess the timing wasn’t right.

Until it was.

And this brings me to your question about whether or not I’ve ever read the self-help type books.

Nope.

Never.

And if I didn’t know you better, I would have been insulted by the query.

Honestly? My reaction to reading the question was, “A book on how to get a woman? Me? Pffft.”

I never for a minute thought I was doing anything wrong when I was single. (Not sure if that is a man thing or a Peter thing.)

I have confidence that I am a good guy. And that I’m a kickass boyfriend.

I just needed the right girl.

And who are these people writing these books anyway? Do we know if they’re single? If they’re significant other is worse than Hitler?

I think they’re just a cash grab. The authors know that none of us want to be alone. Single people are a market just waiting to be exploited.

I could write a self-help book. It would be about three pages long.

It would mostly boil down to “Re-fucking-lax. You’re fine.”

Oh and the part about men wanting bitches? I disagree COMPLETELY. I dated a bitch once. It was unsurprisingly a nightmare. Did I date her because she was a bitch? Absolutely not. She hid it well. At
first.

Why did I date her?

I made the rookie mistake of trying to get closure on an old relationship by dating someone new.

I didn’t wait for the right person at the right time.

*****

Eleni:  Dear Peter,

I read your response to my last response. I nodded, I smiled, I even slowclapped. (Yes, I conjoined two words that don’t belong together. What? You don’t own the patent to that.)

I agree with part of your equation but I have to add an extra variable into it.

“the right person + the right time + luck = annoying your friends and followers with swoony love tweets”

(Seriously, we need to discuss these tweets. I mean, I love them but some days I bash my head against my screen and shout, “Where’s the Peter to my inner Ashley? Where?” And then Diego looks at me all horrified and runs away.)

What if I’m not lucky in that way, Peter? What if I never meet the right person at the right time? What then?

Oof. That was a rhetorical question. You can’t predict the future, I know. But I get so frustrated by these conversations. I have them with my brother all the time. And he says similar things:

“Reeeeeelax. You’re fine. It’ll happen. Just be yourself.”

And on most days, that’s enough for me. But on other days, on other days, ‘Relax’ makes my skin crawl. (As well as react like a sixteen year old girl.)

“STOP TELLING ME TO RELAX. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. NO-ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. NO-ONE LIKES ME. BEING MYSELF DOESN’T WORK. LEAVE ME ALONE. ” And then, rather stereo-typically, I eat my weight in ice-cream and/or french fries.

This is the part where I tell you which part of your reply stood out for me:

“Before I started dating Ashley, I was single for a long time. A LONG time. Did I ever doubt my awesomeness? Not for a minute.”

And this:

“I never for a minute thought I was doing anything wrong when I was single. (Not sure if that is a man thing or a Peter thing.) I have confidence that I am a good guy. And that I’m a kickass boyfriend. I just needed the right girl.”

See, deep inside, Peter, I think we’re pretty similar. I too have confidence that I’m a good woman. And I know I’d be phenomenal girlfriend.(I’d totally be high maintenance, but it’d be worth it.)

But for the life of me, I can’t reconcile the confidence I feel inside with the experiences I’ve had with men on the outside.

To put it bluntly: I think I’m awesome because I think I’m awesome. Not because any guy has ever made me feel that way. Quite the opposite in fact. Men have always made me feel like I’m trash, like I’m needy. They’ve made me feel that my introspection is a bad thing and that my strengths are weaknesses. I’ve never met a man who didn’t want to fix me in some way.

It’s tough. It’s tough to believe that I’m a catch but to never be the one a man wants to catch.

This is the reason I doubt myself. It’s like that tree in the forest analogy. (If said tree had cognitive abilities.)

*****

Peter:  I hate to end this educational exchange on a down note, but…

Even once ensconced in a loving and supportive relationship, the desire to eat many a french fry remains.

Sorry.

Two other things:

1) You’re awesome because you’re awesome. That has nothing to do with what other people say or think or do. You are. Own it.

2) Sure luck is important. But we’re also lucky every day we walk outside and aren’t hit by a bus. And every day we don’t interact with Dane Cook. So luck is a given to me.

I know that because I found Ashley — and because she’s ridiculously wonderful — it seems like it would make it easier for me to be all smug about this topic. But you knew me before, I was already pretty smug.

Even though this is now the length of a book — we can sell it to single people! — I have a few more points I’d like to make.

Women ask the wrong questions.

Instead of “What are men thinking?”

They should be asking, “What are the RIGHT men thinking?”

In general all women are crazy. It’s true. I blame their mothers.

And all men are self-absorbed and somewhat clueless. I blame society.

It’s just a matter of finding the least aggravating self-absorbed goof who can best handle your particular brand of craziness.

That’s love.

It’s beautiful, right?

Obviously a lot of the stuff I said is saucy-tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek. But I do believe in the general points I made.

I think this entire conversation might provide some insight into how male and female brains work.

Or maybe we’re both a bit strange.

Either way, I hope you’ll consider my advice to wait for — and equally as importantly, be open to — the right person at the right time.

And I’ll definitely take your sage advice and hold on to Ashley.

 

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18 Responses

  1. Sid says:

    Your first link doesn’t work. Can’t read part one …

  2. Pops says:

    Oy Vay. My head hurts. Why is deadly sodium attracted to deadly chlorine and why in the world does it make tasty, zesty salt when they get together?
    The answer comes straight from my mother: BECAUSE!

  3. nuttycow says:

    “Either way, I hope you’ll consider my advice to wait for — and equally as importantly, be open to — the right person at the right time.”

    I hate waiting. Waiting is annoying and boring and lonely and frustrating. And then you (not you, obviously, you in general) go and mess it all up by becoming bored of waiting and just grabbing the first man you see who is, obviously, a complete idiot, because if he wasn’t, then you wouldn’t have just grabbed him in the first place. *breathes*

    Yeah, that sentence is a tad too long. Sorry.

    You get my point though.

  4. Gina says:

    I understand what you’re saying about waiting, timing, and taking things at the right speed:

    Before I met my boyfriend whom I’m crazy in love with, I had been single for, well, my whole life. I had high standards for a boyfriend and refused to commit to being in a serious relationship until I met a guy who met those standards, so I waited.

    And then I met the right guy– a guy who actually exceeded my very high standards. The thing is, I met him a month before I was supposed to move to South Korea to teach English for a year. Finally, the right guy! But at the worst possible time.

    I didn’t want to do long distance because I didn’t believe it would work. It would be different if we had been seeing each other for longer than a month, but it seemed too soon to commit to something I knew would be extremely difficult. So we agreed to still talk after I left, and if it was meant to be, we’d be together when I got back in a year.

    We started talking all day, every day. Then he booked a flight to come see me. A few weeks before his visit, I realized that maybe we could make a long-distance relationship work after all. The night he flew in we became official and I’m happy to report that we’re making our long-distance relationship work! Yes, it’s hard work, but we’re working hard together.

    So, to sum up my novel of a comment, I waited my whole life for Mr. Right. At the time, the timing of when we met seemed bad, but if we had met sooner, then I might not have decided to go teach English in Korea and I would’ve missed out on an great opportunity. Any later and we might have ended up with other people who were wrong for us. Instead of rushing into a relationship that might not work out, we took our time and got a feel of what it would be like trying to do long-distance. We discovered that long distance is indeed hard, but when it’s with the right person, it’s worth it.

  5. Melissa says:

    I love this! The two of you are great advice givers, but it really IS hard to wait for the “right person”… I mean yeah it’ll be worth it when it happens (you’re a great example) but in the meant time… blahhhhh. Waiting really sucks.

  6. queen says:

    :) you guys should definately write a book :)
    i dont think anyone has managed to say it so well to Hope, i think she would agree with me !!

    loved it !!

  7. What I got from this is that you’re trying to tell me I’m awesome. Right?

  8. Angela says:

    I’ve now been waiting for a good portion of my thirty-six years, and what Eleni wrote above, about thinking she’s awesome, but never having had an experience with a man that backs that up? I could have written that almost word for word.

  9. Dani says:

    “It’s just a matter of finding the least aggravating self-absorbed goof who can best handle your particular brand of craziness.

    That’s love.”

    I completely and utterly agree with this. I read those two sentences and thought, YES! That’s exactly it.

    I was also single (with bouts of poor attempts at dating) for a long time. Then all of sudden, I met my wonderfully goofy, patient boyfriend who handles my crazy pretty darn well. And in return, I bake him for him constantly and love as much as someone my size (I’m a mere 5’1 to his 5’11) is capable of.

    Waiting does suck. I was a cynic among the best of them when I was single and now I’m part of the mushy masses. But I’m a firm believer that you meet certain people when you’re meant to meet them and not a day before. The rest tends to unfold as it should after that.

  10. San says:

    I personally am not single, I haven’t been since age 16 (and I only dated two men), so what do I know… but you know what’s frustrating to me?

    I know a dozen wonderful, lovable, absolutely awesome women who do not seem to be able to find their Mr. Right, even though they’ve been relaxing and patiently waiting for a very long time. How long is too long?

  11. Laskmy says:

    I think I just came back to LIFE. Thanks for the awesome post. I completely agree with you, most of us, especially me, have to RE-fucking-LAX. Also I love this “It’s just a matter of finding the least aggravating self-absorbed goof who can best handle your particular brand of craziness.”
    I’m going to go out now and have a blast just for the sake of living for great moments, not just to show myself off so that a guy will notice how fun I am.
    right time + right person, it will come on its own.

  1. September 13, 2011

    […] can read Peter’s response to this (and my response to his response) over at Peter’s place. Share this: This entry was posted in must reads, on love & romance. Bookmark the permalink. […]

  2. September 18, 2011

    […] know discuss relationships… Check out Eleni & Peter’s Infinite Conversation, Part 1 and Part 2. I particularly liked this […]

  3. June 3, 2012

    […] know discuss relationships… Check out Eleni & Peter’s Infinite Conversation, Part 1 and Part 2. I particularly liked this […]

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