Go to Eleni Zoe’s blog to start learning all about men and women and to read part one of our discussion.
Peter: I think that the majority of people make things way too complicated. In general.
I think that success in romance comes down to one simple equation:
“the right person + the right time = annoying your friends and followers with swoony love tweets”
Now obviously that’s a bit of an oversimplification. You’ll need to work hard together. You’ll need to learn together. You’ll need to evolve together.
But if it’s the right person at the right time, that is all doable.
It is also important to take things at the right speed.
If on the second date you say something like “I’ve already named our children” or “I want to fill a duvet with your hair” you may be coming on a wee bit strong.
Again, timing is big.
Though I’m not sure the duvet thing is ever a good idea. Maybe try a pillow.
One thing especially stood out to me in your reply:
“I think that knowing ourselves and knowing what kind of person suits us is probably the surest way of having a happy and healthy relationship. But It’s not the fastest way NOR does it guarantee that’ll you’ll find him.”
The fastest way.
I think that is a mistake we’ve all made.
When we’re ready to meet someone, we think they should just show up.
It just doesn’t work like that.
I imagine you sitting there thinking, “I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m attractive, I’m fun, and I’m ready to be part of a great team… So where is he?”
And you’re completely correct.
But until you hit the right guy at the right time, I think you (everyone) should just keep doing the things that make you such a great catch in the first place.
Before I started dating Ashley, I was single for a long time.
A LONG time.
Did I ever doubt my awesomeness?
Not for a minute.
I knew it would have to be the right timing. I actually knew Ashley a little for two years before we started dating. I guess the timing wasn’t right.
Until it was.
And this brings me to your question about whether or not I’ve ever read the self-help type books.
And if I didn’t know you better, I would have been insulted by the query.
Honestly? My reaction to reading the question was, “A book on how to get a woman? Me? Pffft.”
I never for a minute thought I was doing anything wrong when I was single. (Not sure if that is a man thing or a Peter thing.)
I have confidence that I am a good guy. And that I’m a kickass boyfriend.
I just needed the right girl.
And who are these people writing these books anyway? Do we know if they’re single? If they’re significant other is worse than Hitler?
I think they’re just a cash grab. The authors know that none of us want to be alone. Single people are a market just waiting to be exploited.
I could write a self-help book. It would be about three pages long.
It would mostly boil down to “Re-fucking-lax. You’re fine.”
Oh and the part about men wanting bitches? I disagree COMPLETELY. I dated a bitch once. It was unsurprisingly a nightmare. Did I date her because she was a bitch? Absolutely not. She hid it well. At
Why did I date her?
I made the rookie mistake of trying to get closure on an old relationship by dating someone new.
I didn’t wait for the right person at the right time.
Eleni: Dear Peter,
I read your response to my last response. I nodded, I smiled, I even slowclapped. (Yes, I conjoined two words that don’t belong together. What? You don’t own the patent to that.)
I agree with part of your equation but I have to add an extra variable into it.
“the right person + the right time + luck = annoying your friends and followers with swoony love tweets”
(Seriously, we need to discuss these tweets. I mean, I love them but some days I bash my head against my screen and shout, “Where’s the Peter to my inner Ashley? Where?” And then Diego looks at me all horrified and runs away.)
What if I’m not lucky in that way, Peter? What if I never meet the right person at the right time? What then?
Oof. That was a rhetorical question. You can’t predict the future, I know. But I get so frustrated by these conversations. I have them with my brother all the time. And he says similar things:
“Reeeeeelax. You’re fine. It’ll happen. Just be yourself.”
And on most days, that’s enough for me. But on other days, on other days, ‘Relax’ makes my skin crawl. (As well as react like a sixteen year old girl.)
“STOP TELLING ME TO RELAX. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. NO-ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. NO-ONE LIKES ME. BEING MYSELF DOESN’T WORK. LEAVE ME ALONE. ” And then, rather stereo-typically, I eat my weight in ice-cream and/or french fries.
This is the part where I tell you which part of your reply stood out for me:
“Before I started dating Ashley, I was single for a long time. A LONG time. Did I ever doubt my awesomeness? Not for a minute.”
“I never for a minute thought I was doing anything wrong when I was single. (Not sure if that is a man thing or a Peter thing.) I have confidence that I am a good guy. And that I’m a kickass boyfriend. I just needed the right girl.”
See, deep inside, Peter, I think we’re pretty similar. I too have confidence that I’m a good woman. And I know I’d be phenomenal girlfriend.(I’d totally be high maintenance, but it’d be worth it.)
But for the life of me, I can’t reconcile the confidence I feel inside with the experiences I’ve had with men on the outside.
To put it bluntly: I think I’m awesome because I think I’m awesome. Not because any guy has ever made me feel that way. Quite the opposite in fact. Men have always made me feel like I’m trash, like I’m needy. They’ve made me feel that my introspection is a bad thing and that my strengths are weaknesses. I’ve never met a man who didn’t want to fix me in some way.
It’s tough. It’s tough to believe that I’m a catch but to never be the one a man wants to catch.
This is the reason I doubt myself. It’s like that tree in the forest analogy. (If said tree had cognitive abilities.)
Peter: I hate to end this educational exchange on a down note, but…
Even once ensconced in a loving and supportive relationship, the desire to eat many a french fry remains.
Two other things:
1) You’re awesome because you’re awesome. That has nothing to do with what other people say or think or do. You are. Own it.
2) Sure luck is important. But we’re also lucky every day we walk outside and aren’t hit by a bus. And every day we don’t interact with Dane Cook. So luck is a given to me.
I know that because I found Ashley — and because she’s ridiculously wonderful — it seems like it would make it easier for me to be all smug about this topic. But you knew me before, I was already pretty smug.
Even though this is now the length of a book — we can sell it to single people! — I have a few more points I’d like to make.
Women ask the wrong questions.
Instead of “What are men thinking?”
They should be asking, “What are the RIGHT men thinking?”
In general all women are crazy. It’s true. I blame their mothers.
And all men are self-absorbed and somewhat clueless. I blame society.
It’s just a matter of finding the least aggravating self-absorbed goof who can best handle your particular brand of craziness.
It’s beautiful, right?
Obviously a lot of the stuff I said is saucy-tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek. But I do believe in the general points I made.
I think this entire conversation might provide some insight into how male and female brains work.
Or maybe we’re both a bit strange.
Either way, I hope you’ll consider my advice to wait for — and equally as importantly, be open to — the right person at the right time.
And I’ll definitely take your sage advice and hold on to Ashley.