This is Molly. She is one of my most recent blog discoveries. That makes me sound like I’m Lewis or Clark… You know, whichever of them is more kickass. I mean she did exist before I “found” her, at least as much as anyone can really exist without knowing me. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s snarky. She cheers for the wrong football teams.
Of all the people I’ve sent “Peter e-mails bloggers” letters to, you’re the one I know the least well.
But, after you told me that story from your youth, I knew we could/should be close.
You were just so young.
And… and the unicorn stickers were so pretty.
Since you are all laid up with a messed up back, I figured this was a good time to grow our friendship. You know, when you can’t get away.
So it is Saturday as I write this letter to you. This means that I am very dedicated to writing blog posts. Or that I have no social life to speak of.
Or possibly both
I want to congratulate you on the Ohio State victory last night.
I am sure it was your support that caused the win.
Of course I am also convinced that toys and things from my youth have feelings and thus can’t be thrown out.
And I think that a plaid button-down shirt I bought in college made me completely irresistible to women.
Speaking of, it finally fell apart. (I haven’t been this disappointed since People Magazine reported that Jennifer Aniston is no longer dating “immature boys.”) The collar is 90% disconnected from the rest of the shirt. There are holes everywhere. It now sits in the back of my closet.
It would hurt its feelings if I threw it out.
I DID get a new plaid shirt for Christmas though.
I bet you’re relieved.
The moment I tried it on…
I felt a real connection with it. Like the shirt and I ceased being separate entities. And this new entity — Petirt — had powers much stronger than either of us had separately.
It was like that movie from the 90s with Jim Carey and Cameron Diaz and some mask. Jim Carey’s character would feel all powerful-like when he put on the mask. I think the movie was called… The Facial Disguise.
While on the topic of disguises, I can totally respect that you put a black dot over your face in pics on your blog. I get that. You gotta protect your privacy. Hell, I’m actually a 73 year old Vietnamese woman. (My pho brings all the boys to the yard.) But the black dot is… kinda dull. I think you should switch it up a little. Maybe go with something cutesexy. Like Lara Croft? Ms. Pac Man? Or Gorbachev?
Think about it.
I look forward to your reply.
You know, if you can manage not to lose a finger while typing it.
I’m clearly not wearing the plaid shirt o’charm right now.
To be completely honest, when you initially proposed this “Peter Emails Bloggers” project, I was totally terrified and nervous and I immediately wanted to create a PowerPoint presentation, because the only way I know how to deal with stress is by creating animated slides with bullet points objectifying my anxiety that “Horizontal Wipe” away when I click them.
The Ohio State victory can be credited entirely to me. If I hadn’t been laid out on my couch knee-deep in Cheetoes and Snuggie, our boys would have been goners. Coach Tressel actually called me after and thanked me for yelling out “COME ON” and “GET IT- GET IT!” that one time.
Regarding the flannel shirt-
TAKE IT OFF, PETER. NOW.
As an unemployed healthcare professional, I feel it’s my duty to warn you that flannel, along with being ugly, is hazardous to your health in that it is extremely flammable. I can’t believe you don’t know this. Seriously, if your house were to catch fire at this very moment, nobody would bother rescuing you because you are the Idiot That Wears Flannel, which is basically asking to catch fire and burn to death.
Do you really want to catch fire and burn to death? Do you, Peter? I didn’t think so. Trash the Petirt.
As for the black dot thing, I have considered using other images to cover my dirty mug. I worry about this for two reasons:
1. People might think that if I were to use, say, Lara Croft’s head to cover mine, that I am implying that I look like Lara Croft. Seeing as how Ms. Croft is way hotter than I am, I feel this would be misleading and false advertising. And we’ll have none of that on my blog.
2. Gorbachev might get upset that I am slandering (libeling?) his name (face?) by leading people to believe it is he, not I, that regularly medicates his panic attacks with PowerPoint presentations and has on more than one occasion, received a note on my windshield informing me that I am both an asshole and a terrible parker.
So you see how the black dot is handy.
You seem to be a knowledgeable fellow, so I’d like to take this last paragraph of my email to ask your advice on a very pressing matter:
I have a Wii. Over the past few years, a few boyfriends (now ex-boyfriends) have played this Wii, and have created a Mii with which to play. These Miis are still in existence. I don’t know if you’re aware of the wonders of the Wii, but upon first turning it on, all the Miis that have been created run around the screen and interact with each other.
Three of them are my ex-boyfriends.
Besides being creepy, haunting reminders of my past, they are taking up space. So my question is this: how long must one wait after breaking up with someone to delete their Mii?