In today’s edition, I e-mail with Jenn from “You’ll Grow To Love Me.”
A blog name that she swears isn’t ironic. I remain unconvinced.
What do you need to know about Jenn?
She has questionable (though improving) taste in music.
We disagree on just about everything.
Her ego might even be bigger than mine.
She says mean things to me.
So, of course, we chat almost every day.
If you do grow to love her, it’s totally not my fault.
Jenn Jenn Jenn,
I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. What to write in an e-mail to you.
“a while now” meaning “since you told me that I had to include you in this project.
I was going to argue, but since my nose scrunch weakness is so widely known at this point…
Here’s the thing:
You hate Canada.
I didn’t even know that was possible. I mean, you’re not a Republican. I’ve never once heard you mention “freedom fries.” I don’t think you feel strongly about “softwood tariffs.”
I said “soft wood.”
Not… going… to… giggle…
But… you hate Canada.
I am baffled by this.
Is there a baffled emoticon?
Where was I?
You seem to have other redeeming qualities. You don’t kick (non-Canadian) puppies. You probably recycle. Your hair looks shiny. (SHINY WITH CANADA-HATING EVIL!)
Oh, before I forget, since you are a CSI: Miami addict, I was going to write this entire e-mail in the voice of David Caruso’s character.
It would have… involved… a lot of this. And… it would have impressed you… Impressed you… *takes off sunglasses* with a vengeance.
Would you watch the show if it was called CSI: Balls Creek?
It’s a town in Canada. Nevermind.
(I said “balls creek!”)
To prove Canada’s awesomeness, here is but a partial list of things invented in Canada, or by Canadians:
1.) air-conditioned railway coach — Think about THAT while you are taking the train home from work at night. Without Canada it would be a sardine can full of sweat and Toby Keith songs. You’d be Red, White and SCREWED. (I assume Toby Keith songs drop from the sky everywhere in the U.S.
2.) ear piercer — You’d have naked ears. right. now. Chilling, isn’t it?
3.) electrical car (North America’s first) — or do you love DESTROYING
4.) goalie mask – Jacques Plante in 1959. Seriously. Can you believe it took that many decades of hockey for someone to realize that was a good idea? So without Canadians, what would your movie serial killers wear on their faces? A catcher’s mask? Come on.
5.) lacrosse — YES. Don’t argue with me. At the very least, a Canadian came up with the rules.
6.) light bulb (first patent) — Without that you’d be sitting in the dark trying to put earrings in your hole-less ears, Jennifer!
7.) Nursing Mother Breast Pads — I mean, I don’t know what those are. But they sound like they’d be useful.
8.) Pictionary — I suck at that game Are you any good?
9.) Trivial Pursuit — I am good at that game.
10.) STANDARD TIME
11.) the zipper — Without Canadians, people would just be walking around everyplace with their clothes falling off. Oh. Wait…
12.) The telephone — without which you couldn’t text me to tell me that you are IM’ing me on gchat!
13.) IMAX — Do you want to see really big sharks? Or do you want to see REALLY BIG SHARKS?
14.) Balderdash — Really? Do we have fuck all else to do up here but play board games?
Whatever my point was, I feel that I’ve made it pretty convincingly. I capitalized a bunch of words and everything.
Have I changed your mind?
I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I forced your hand at this little blog project of yours – now everyone is going to think that I am begging for you attention, when in fact it is I that is doing you the favor by allowing you to include my wisdom and sass in this endeavor, not the other way around. I am very busy and important and it has been difficult to carve out the time to accommodate your request, but because I enjoy arguing with you, I have allotted 30 minutes on my Outlook calendar to placate you. (The life of an unpaid intern leaves very little room for pleasure.)
Now that we’ve gotten the ego issue cleared up, we can move on more substantial matters. Like why the United States is better than Canada.
(I think you would be hard pressed to find an instance where I said I HATE Canada. I believe I’ve simply claimed – and proven – that my country is better than yours.)
(On that note, you would be hard pressed to find me say that I hate ANYTHING, except for maybe cilantro. And black licorice. Actually, anything that tastes like black licorice, such as Jagermeister, Absinthe, and NyQuil. Oh, and I also hate Canada.)
So like I said, I’ve never come out and said that I hate Canada.
I will, however, indulge you a bit and respond to your paltry list of Canada’s “redeeming inventions”, in the hopes that we can finally put this to rest once and for all (with me coming out on top, of course.)
(That’s how I like it.)
(I think that answers the question about whether or not I would watch CSI: Balls Creek.)
1. Air-conditioned railway coach: Was air conditioning invented in Canada? Was the railroad or the railroad car invented in Canada? I didn’t think so. The Canadian schmuck who was brilliant enough to put two-and-two together just siphoned off of two brilliant AMERICAN inventions.
2. Ear piercer: You can have this one. I hate that little miniature torture device.
3. Electrical car: You’re just wrong there (which makes this even more satisfying). Robert Anderson of Scotland actually invented the first electric carriage in the 1830s. And further modifications to his design were made by a Dutchman, an American, and a Frenchman in the subsequent years. Notice how none of those people were Canadian?
4. Goalie mask: If anything, this makes my case against Canada even stronger. I dislike scary movies since they give me nightmares. The basic transitive property translates this into: Canadian hockey mask in scary movies –> scary movies giving me nightmares = Canada gives me nightmares.
5. Lacrosse: What kind of person would invent a sport where all of the men’s best body parts were covered up? I mean, in football and baseball we get to check out the athletes’ butts in those tight pants, in gymnastics and swimming there is very little left to the imagination, and in soccer we get to see calf, arm, and sometimes ab through those thin little jerseys they wear. Lacrosse fucked it up for all of us women.
6. Light bulb: Are you really trying to pass that one off? The lightbulb was invented by Thomas Edison — everyone knows that. Just because some lazy Canadian patented it first doesn’t mean it’s Canadian.
7. Nursing mother breast pads: Since my best friend just had a baby in February and is still breastfeeding, I actually DO know what these are. And while she finds them very useful, a folded up paper towel would work just as well. Again, not rocket science on the part of the Canadian who invented that one.
8. Pictionary: Pictionary has been played ever since kindergartners were given crayons and gave their parents their “works of art”. Have you ever seen a 5 year old’s depiction of their family? Have fun guessing which blob you are.
9. Trivial Pursuit: I suck at this game. Therefore I don’t like it. And therefore Canada has invented something that I don’t like which strengthens my case even more.
10. Standard Time: Standard time is what makes you two hours ahead of me, causing you to not have my cheerful self to talk to for two hours every morning before I wake up. It’s also why you’re asleep when I text you at night, causing me to wake you up. Standard time is not working in your favor here.
11. The zipper: I think you already realize the error in your ways with this one, but I’ll just say one thing: BUTTONS. Problem solved.
12. The telephone: Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, and he was Scottish. Do your research. (Wikipedia, invented by AMERICAN Jim Wales, makes research very easy these days.)
13. IMAX: I suppose I have Canadians to thank for my extreme case of vertigo after walking out of the IMAX movie? Thanks, asshole.
14. Balderdash: I have no idea what that game is and you’re dating yourself. It was clearly before my time.
So, dear Peter, I hope I have successfully countered all of your pro-Canada arguments that you provided, and I challenge you to come up with more because I am fully prepared to dominate those as well.
But when it all comes down to it, Canada isn’t ALL bad. The Canadian I made out with back in 2007 was a pretty decent kisser.
So you’ve got that going for ya.