Peter e-mails bloggers: Jennifer Alaine edition 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Hey,  it’s the return of Jenn! (Not to be confused with delightful ex Jen.)


Dear Jennifer,

I giggled at how much research you put into “refuting” my facts.

Maybe not giggled. Guffawed? Chortled? Snickered? Tittered? Chuckled?

It made me laugh, is what I’m saying.

While I can picture you clicking furiously through various Wiki links,
a look of grim determination on your face, and “yes!!!”ing every time
you thought that you proved me wrong, it stands in stark contrast to
how I researched my e-mail…

I googled “Canadian inventions” and spent three minutes copying and
pasting my favourites from a list on some site. Did I mention that
the site had a black background and red font? Also it may or may not
have been hosted on geocities.

But I liked that I could play a role in making you feel so accomplished. You struck a blow for your country. It’s like you waterboarded my facts…

In addition to your inexplicable hating of Canada, you seem to have
some ill conceived love for your own country. But I’m not here to
build my country up by tearing your country down. (As easy it
would be.) That’s not how I do business.

Our countries have been friends for a while. Occasionally friends
with benefits. But America gets so weird when Canada has a harmless
coffee with Trinidad and Tobago. JEALOUS.

Did you know that Canada is the only foreign country permitted to have
an embassy on Pennsylvania Ave?

A Canadian and an American worked together to create Superman. Who, let’s face it, is the superest of all men. (That crankypants Batman was all American.)

Open that browser tab to Wiki, lady. Get on it.

While pointing out how awesome Canada is seems as obvious as pointing out how adorable I am, here are a couple more things for you to consider:

– You love all those CSI shows. Well one of the stars of CSI: NY is
Emmanuelle Vaugier. A CANADIAN. (I actually did a phone interview
with her once for an article I wrote for a half-assed Canadian
magazine that no longer exists. She was VERY sweet and funny, but she mentioned Lulu Lemon a lot and I didn’t have a clue what she was
talking about.)

– Winnie the Pooh is Canadian. (I’ve never done any sort of interview
with him.)

Q: Why do Canadians do it doggy style? A: So they can both watch the hockey game.

Apropos of fuck all, I’m writing something and was wondering if this is funny:

Her: I bet you couldn’t even find my g-spot.

Him: I’d just follow all the “I was here!” graffitti.

No? Didn’t think so.

Anyway, I look forward to your reply.

With (something bordering on) affection and maple syrup,



As you may guess, I’m tired of talking about Canadia. It’s boring.

Let’s address a few other things that were in this e-mail (and some that were not).

Let’s start with your little g-spot joke. Should I ever find myself in this sort of conversation, here’s how it would go:

Jenn: I bet you couldn’t even find my g-spot.

Peter (I mean some random guy in a bar who’s not nearly as classy as you are): I’d just follow all the “I was here!” graffiti.

Jenn: Good luck – college boys definitely don’t know where it is. I’m sure you’ll find a lot a couple of false leads.

See what I did there? How I played along with the joke? How I turned it around, from a mean thing about me to a mean thing about college boys? That’s what makes me so charming.

Or should I say, one of the things. Because as you’re well aware, I’m very charming. In fact, I’m so charming that I challenge you to a “charm off”.

Remember when you had to post the stupid poem because brandy beat you at Scrabulous? And how I said I wanted to challenge you at something so that I could pick a punishment for you if when you lost? THIS IS IT DEWOLF.

Now, the details will have to be worked out, of course, but I think this could be very interesting. And competitive, because I’ve heard that some of your female readers find you charming. I’m still waiting to see it emerge, but for the purpose of this challenge, I’ll just take their word for it.

So what do ya say, buddy? You up for the challenge?

Your favorite,

24 thoughts on “Peter e-mails bloggers: Jennifer Alaine edition 2 – Electric Boogaloo

        • Matt.. you just complained about beer? Beer is beer. It’s always better to have beer than no beer. What kind of man are you?

          (But really, next time you want to show some Canada love through beer drinking, why not try kokanee? It’s delightful- and yes, I’m fairly confident that the word ‘delightful’ is the first thing you look for in a beer).

          • Not all beer is better than no beer. Crack open a Schlitz and tell me you wouldn’t rather have…almost anything.

  1. I don’t watch any of those CSI shows, but Ryan Reynolds is Canadian, so I’m on board. Cute and funny is good.

    That’s not about you, Peter.

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