Peter e-mails bloggers: Brandy Edition

Surely if you read my blog, you also read Brandy. But, on the off chance that you don’t (read: you are crazy) here is a little something you should know about the woman…

Brandy believes that you should teach. Your children well. Your father’s hell. Did slowly go by. And feed. Them on your dreams. The one they pick.  Is the one you’ll know by. Don’t you ever ask them why. If they told you, you would cry. So just look at them and sigh. And know they love you.

Brandy also believes that you should never wear a dress when you are the pitcher in kick ball.

**********

Dear Brandy,

I would like to formally apologize for the time I referred to you as my “arch enemy.” And for the time I wrote a blog post titled “Brandy sucks.”

It was during the heat of “The Scrabble Wars of ’09.” (Which we don’t discuss.) But now that we find ourselves in a climate of detente and STOGGING, I take back those harsh words.

There is so much more that unites us (Canada, The West Wing, Awesomeness) than divides us (hockey teams, Lauren Graham, opinions on how adorable I am), Brandy.

And hopefully this will get you to stop reminding me about those poorly chosen words.

Constantly.

Of course now you are going to remind me (constantly) that I called you out on it.

Curses.

So I am thinking about sending loopy texts to everyone in my phone frequently to try to get on Texts From Last Night. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.

Speaking of my phone, I currently get texts from The Monkey. It is funny. The other day I was trying to get her to hurry up and do something. She kept saying, “Hang on. Gotta finish this text!” and hitting buttons slooowly, as I waited “patiently.” Seconds later, my phone rings. It is a text from her that says, “Haha!”

That’s it for now.  Chuckwagon racing is on TV .

With fairly warm regards,
Peter

**********

Dear Peter the Ridiculous,

I’m going to be that annoying pen pal who starts off a letter by talking about how sorry she is that the letter is so late. Definitely not original- I’m one sentence away from telling you how much I’m hating camp. But in my defense, I had a lot of things on my plate lately: like wearing costumes and walking down wedding aisles and encouraging my case of insomnia by insisting on only doing the most vigorous mental tasks at 4 am.

I forgive you for calling me your arch enemy. You were upset and were acting like Kim Jong-il on a power trip and me- being delightful as usual, fueled your legendary rage to the point where your only course of action was to slander me in a public forum.

Obviously I’m not bitter.

At all.

But we SHOULD move past this. I mean, I definitely want to go to sleep at night without weeping at the thought of your ill chosen words. I think what would definitely improve this situation (and mend my shattered heart) would be if you shared with me the photos of you dressed up as E.T that you have yet to show me. Not only will I feel better, I will be given material to mock you with- and that’s the best kind of olive branch a girl can be given.

The Monkey stories are always my favourite. I know I’ve told you this before, but I was definitely not that cool when I was little. I thought of this the other day when I walked past a group of 14 year olds at the mall and realized they had handbags that cost more than my car and were eating gelato. I didn’t even know about gelato until I was 22. See what I mean?

Anyway, I got to go. Chuckwagon races ARE on and given my lineage, it’s important that I watch. E.T. photos are the only way we will ever move past this awkward enemy stage you have put us in. The ball is in your court. Make the right choice.

Hopefully your friend again one day soon after you find, scan and allow me to laugh at you dressed up as a really bizarre alien,
brandy

**********

Dear BrandySasstastic,

Hi.

I wouldn’t really want a letter from you about camp. Unless, you know, you were talking about “experimenting” of some kind. Then, as a friend, I feel like I should, nay, HAVE to allow you to unburden yourself of the guilt.

In great detail.

Slowly.

(To me, the act of making a juvenile joke is much more amusing than the joke itself. Of course, it kind of makes me sound like a tool.  People frequently don’t “get” me, Brandy. But being mis(ter)understood amuses me too, so…)

Sorry to hear about the insomnia. I suspect it is due to the guilt you’ve felt about being my arch enemy.

On that note, I do agree with you that we must move on. It is good for society when we get along. Why? I’m not entirely sure. It… just seemed like the thing to say.

The Navajo have a word for this. The word is “Hastiinaakii.”

It means, “You should be friends. Especially if one of you is adorable, charming, endearing, sweet, smart, funny, looks awesome in half-braided pig tails…

…and the other is some blond chick.”

The ET pictures…

Well, if I spin around in my chair *like this*

Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Crap. Went too far. I’ll try again.

Wheeeeeeeeee!

Crap!

Well, I briefly saw the photo albums that likely house the embarrassing photos.

You contend that because I got to see the… least covered up photos of your bridesmaid dress from the weekend, that I should scan the proof of my early alien acting prowess and send it to you.

I’m not entirely convinced.

I fear that seeing them will only cause you to lose even more sleep, as you toss and turn and try to think of new and interesting ways to mock them. And me.

I’m looking out for you.

Though maaaaybe they’ll show up in your inbox at some point.

In the meantime, here are some lyrics from one of the songs from the “ET and Me” play:

“E.T. come and visit me…
And if you get lonely,
just phone home.
E.T. come and visit me…
I’ll make you so happy,
you’ll never want to leave.
Since you have the absolute power,
you can do my homework in an hour.
And then we could play for the rest of the day.
Raiders, Darth Vader, whatever you say.
E.T. come and visit me…
And if you get lonely,
just phone home.
E.T. come and visit me…
I’ll make you so happy,
you’ll never want to leave.
I’ll show you some wonderful places.
We could get on my bike for skyraces.
And I have a fern that’s not doing to well
and if you could fix it that sure would be swell.
And I’m not just thinking of me,
this whole planet could use you, ET.
And if you come visit I promise you this
together well prove that you really exist.”

I sang the shit out of that shit.

Seriously, asdzání*.  (* Navajo for “woman.)

Ridiculously yours,
Peter

**********

Peter the Ridiculous (emphasis on the “ridiculous” after reading your letter)

I will never get why guys love girl on girl action so much. I mean, don’t you get jealous that one of those girls isn’t you? I think about two guys making out and it doesn’t really turn my crank. Well, maybe because my brain immediately goes to the idea that the world is unfair and such a couple isn’t granted the same rights as any other couple when they CLEARLY SHOULD BE, but you know what I mean.

Geez. Two sentences in and I’m going caps attacks about minority injustices? This is what happens when insomnia is kicking my ass, Peter.

What are we talking about?

Oh yes. E.T. pictures.

See here’s the thing. It’s not like I sent you a photo where I’m making a silly face, I sent you a photo that is THISCLOSE to showing nipple because of an unfortunate bra, a bad camera angle and a neckline on a dress that would make a 12 year old boy look like he was at least a B cup.  So yeah, I’m all over the idea that you show me a picture of you dressed as an alien.  I mean, it’s not even a fair trade: almost nipple photo vs. ET costume photo? You are lucky I’m not also adding in that you have to dress up like Edward Cullen for Halloween and stroll through the courtyard of an all-girls school. (But if you do that, please take photos).

I promise to visit you when 12 year old girls attack you thinking you are their favourite vampire.  Well… it’s a long flight.  Maybe I’d just send you flowers. Or hair elastics for your braids that you apparently sport.

See? You aren’t the only one who pays attention around here.

Sassily yours,
brandy

**********

[Note: This exchange could have gone on for days, and shockingly never gotten any wiser.]

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No Responses

  1. Ben says:

    And see…when MY mind thinks about two dudes getting it on, civil liberties are one of the LAST thoughts that cross my mind.

  2. i feel like i stepped into the twilight zone. hmm maybe its cause I need sleep. checked out her blog, like the post i read.

  3. brandy says:

    The build up to this ET photo is killing me.

  4. Matt says:

    Im sad that I cant beat Brandy at Scrabble. You are still my hero for that, Peter.

  5. shine says:

    But Brandy, darling, did you not just give him a great idea for a Halloween costume? Edward Cullen is probably one of his idols!

    Peter, please have someone video. I don’t think pictures will quite do the trick.

  6. Megan says:

    Brandy, you are hilarious. Loved this! And Peter, what is it about you that makes women want to share their booby photos with you all the time? Boyish awe. I said it and I’ll say it again. So charming, you.

  7. Amanda says:

    Flaunting ET and boobs photos that we don’t get to see. No fairsies!

  8. katelin says:

    haha you guys crack me up. i think i might like the nick names the best.

  9. SM says:

    You’re right. People who don’t ready Brandy’s blog are crazy!

    Love these letters. Very funny.

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