Peter and Eleni’s Infinite Conversation: Needs vs neediness – Part 2
Ha! I’m fairly certain that some woman DID start this “needy is bad” movement. Do you think she trolled around her male friends whispering stuff like, “She asked you to respect her time when you were an hour late to meet her? Who does she think she is? The President?” or, “What the what? She has so much fun with you she wants to spend TWO days in a row with you? What a loser! Like, get a life, girlfriend.”
Seriously though, since you’re unclear about what “needy” means, I thought I would enlighten you. I’ve been called “needy” so much in life I’m surprised there isn’t a picture of me in the dictionary biting some guy’s neck and draining all his blood. (Someone should make that happen!)
But it’s a good visual because that is what “needy” basically is. It’s when someone is unable to sustain themselves without someone else. In romantic case, they are unable to function “normally” without their lover.
So yes, “needy” is, as you said, expressing your needs to the extreme. But it also starts with simply having extreme needs.
And this is what I want Angela to consider. Are her needs extreme? Is it really extreme to want to spend “every day” with someone you’ve recently just fallen in love with? I think that is a perfectly normal need that most people feel in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Has Angela quit her job to spend “every day” with him? Has she asked him to quit his? Has she stopped sleeping, taking showers and eating to spend “every day” with him? Has she asked him to do that?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say: No, she hasn’t. Ergo, her needs are not extreme. And she need not worry about being “needy
Angela, enjoy this feeling while it lasts because, well…it doesn’t last. And remember, you can’t be independent without the word dependent. Just be honest with yourself: Which needs do you know he can fulfill (and want him to) and which needs do you know he can’t? Do other people fulfill those that he can’t? Which ones do you fulfill all by yourself?
As long as you’ve got those answers straight in your mind, you can never be needy. And don’t let anyone make you feel any different.
All my love,
It’s funny but I’ve known women with a lot of male friends who do seem to spend a great deal of time pointing out that some women are going to be “drama.” (And have poor fashion sense, as if that matters to us.) I thought that it was so they wouldn’t have to share the male attention. But maybe they are part of the “needy conspiracy!” How deep does this thing go??
I find your “hour late” example interesting. I am quite sure that no one I’ve ever dated would put up with making them wait for an hour without a very good reason. And I don’t think I’d want to date someone who would. Maybe a willingness to express her needs is something I look for in a woman? (And found in my girlfriend.)
Oh yeah, we’re talking about Angela!
I’m still a bit confused about her initial question. To whom is she worried about seeming “needy?”
To him? To herself?
Either way, if she’s spending time worrying about this, that is time she isn’t using to bask. Bask!
Sit him down and say something like, “Hi. I am not sure if I’ve ever wanted to spend this much time with anyone before. (Our egos love this.) But I’ve been a solo artist for a few years and it is a bit of an adjustment. So if you need a night off to be with your friends, or whatever, just let me know.”
Or better yet:
“Hi. I am not sure if I’ve ever wanted to spend this much time with anyone before. But I’ve been a solo artist for a few years and it is a bit of an adjustment. So if you need a night off to be with your friends, or whatever, just let me know… I’ll be chilling at home in my sexiest undergarments. ”
You know, just for fun.