You may remember my story about the day I spent with my
8 year old (13 now!) cousin. She is also the twerp responsible for an infamous series of sketches, including “Peter Pooping.”*
Let’s call her “the monkey.”
Please don’t confuse her with ACN (Adorably Cute Niece.)
This morning I stumbled upon an old journal that had been collecting dust on my bookshelf. It was given to me by a huge fan of the monkey, so that I could chronicle her many adventures.
And I did… for 6 or 7 months.
It began at Christmas 2000 and ended in August 2001. After that, her adventures became too numerous for one person to keep track of.
The following are excerpts from said book. She was 3 1/2 years old.
Dec. 25, 2000 – The monkey’s daddy recently went in for a vasectomy. The monkey knows that she can’t jump on him because he hurt his “Pecker, pecker, pecker. Bird, bird, bird.”
Dec. 26 – The monkey’s mommy tells the story of a recent day at daycare. The monkey is sent to time out over and over all day. Finally, they sent her for the last time and she starts sobbing. They ask her what is wrong and she replies, “I’ve been in trouble all day and I just can’t take it anymore.”
Dec. 26 – The monkey tells her daddy to “Take your big butt out of here,” as he tries to share a chair with her.
Dec. 29 – The monkey tells us that it is time to get up because it is “Eight five three and two dots!” (8:53 on a digital clock.)
Early January 2001 – The monkey is looking at wedding pictures. “Oh, I LOVED the wedding. I was so good at the wedding. I’m cute right now.”
Early January – A tow truck comes to pick up her uncle’s van. She and I stand outside and watch. The monkey has many questions. “He is lifting the van… is he strong?” “Can I throw a snowball at him?” and “Is he going to take my sleigh?”
Early January – As I pull the monkey around in her sled, she sings Christina Aguilera’s “What a Girl Wants.”
Early January – The monkey listens to a Bill Cosby stand up routine. Bill makes sounds, she mimics. Bill laughs, she mimics. Bill says, “When I was a boy, I thought my father was an idiot.” She looks at me and says, “Idiot? I thought MY father was an idiot.”
Early January – The monkey passes me a skittle. I put it on her counter and tell her that I was afraid it would melt in my hand. She passes me a penny, so I put it in my pocket. She says, “Why are you putting it in your pocket, Peter? Money doesn’t melt!”
Early January – The monkey gives me a blue cassette tape to give to my parents. Her instructions are, “If they like it, they can keep it. If they don’t, then you can bring it back to me. The tape: Disney’s Lullaby Classics.
January 23 – I’m sitting on the couch watching TV as the monkey strolls in. She crawls up on the couch, sits next to me, and puts her arm around me. She looks at me and says, “Peter, do you know how much I love you?” Then after a brief pause, she answers herself, “Fifty!”
Janury 25 – The monkey’s mommy checks her answering machine this morning. There is a message from the monkey from the previous day. It was, “Hi Mommy. I’m at daycare. I learned my phone number today! Bye!”
January 31 – She refers to me as “Billy Bossy.”
February 3 – With a mouthful of french toast, she tells me, “Peter, you are the precious boy in the world.”
February 12 – The monkey got in trouble at daycare today. She got another “time-out.” Her explanation was, “Chantal didn’t want help, but I wanted to help her.” Then a pause as she searches her memory, “I made a saucy face at Jacques.”
February 13 – The monkey is mad at her father for saying that she is “no fun.” “Daddy apologize. You are breaking my feelings.”
March 3 – The monkey’s grandmother is tucking her shirt in and pulling up her pants, to get her ready for daycare. The monkey is not happy. “No! They are going to call me Steven Urkel!”
April 1 – The monkey’s daddy tells her that she has to go home at 8:15. So, at 8:14 she looks at the clock and then looks at me, “Peter, who can stop the clock?”
August 12 – The monkey is wearing a tiara, so someone asks her if she is a princess. She replies, “No, I’m not a pricess. I’m a princess to Peter.”
August 12 – My dad tells the monkey that “If you eat your vegatables you’ll get smart.” She looks at his plate and then at him and says, “Okay… get smart.”
[*Please note that she didn’t see me or anyone else pooping.]