one of those posts you think is going to be GENIUS… until you actually write it

january

“I’ve known you for an hour and a half and you are already the most exasperating woman I’ve ever met.”

“Time would move faster in a prison camp for me too, buddy.”

“I think I hate you.”

“You sicken me.”

“Oh no… we’re going to end up getting married aren’t we?”

“Shut your dirty mouth!”

february

“Well, sir, we’ve been together for a month.”

“Seriously? Wow…”

“Every day has been a treasure for you?”

“I must have shot a pope in a former life.”

march

“Sometimes, sweetie, you don’t think you like something. You fight against it. You deny your feelings. Then one day you realize that you are just being stubborn for no good reason. So you give in and find that… you love it.”

“Lady, you’re talking about green beer, aren’t you?”

“*Hic* Maybe.”

april

“Does my ass look fat in this?”

“No.”

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

“Uhm… your ass looks great in that?”

“I shouldn’t have had to pull it out of you. You should have said that right away. You know that picking the right dress for this event is crucial. Why couldn’t you just do this for me? Why?”

“You’ve never quite grasped the concept of a phone conversation, have you?”

may

“You think Alvin and Simon made Theodore do their homework?”

june

“You love me.”

“Only you can make that sound like an accusation, woman.”

“I have a gift.”

“You have something”

“I don’t hear you disagreeing with me.”

july

“I… uhm… heard you singing ‘Jump Around’ in the shower.”

“And?”

“I can no longer see you as sex partner.”

“Unless you have eyes in the back of your head I don’t see how it’s…”

“House of Pain? REALLY?”

“I’m the cream of the crop. I rise to the top.”

“I… need to rethink some things.”

august

“My crap it’s hot.”

“I have that effect on the womens.”

“You change meteorological patterns?”

“Two… three times a night, baby.”

“What’s it like in your world?”

“Hmm. Kinda nice, really.”

september

“Hey, chickiepie, doesn’t today feel very… first day of school-y?”

“Yes.”

“I love that feeling.”

“Yeah.  It’s great.”

“Everything’s cool and fresh and new.  Anything is possible, you know?  And I just–  Wait.  You are getting ready to ruin the moment for me.   An age joke?”

“Me?  Never.”

“Are you sure?”

“I promise.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean, going to school during the Great Depression must have been rough, you deserve all the happy memories you can muster up.”

october

“Did you eat all the candy?”

“…”

“The chocolate bars?”

“Uh… Nooo. No I did not.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Maybe that says more about YOU, lady. Maybe you have trust issues. I do not appreciate the accusations. At all. And if we are going to last as a couple, you are going to have to learn how to–”

“You have chocolate on your face.”

“It’s nougat.”

november

“I want a milkshake. And since I am in my jammies, I want you to go out and get me one.”

“Go in your jammies.”

“They have a hole in the crotch.”

“You’re a delicate flower.”

“Shut it. Now I know that it’s your birthday next week.”

“True…”

“So in exchange for the milkshake run, I will give you a special birthday treat–”

“Yes!”

“– but it can’t include special costumes, special acts, watching a sporting event, my friend Katie, or me cooking for you.”

“Now I’M bummed and need a milkshake too.”

“I almost feel bad for how well that worked.”

“Oh!”

“No video camera either.”

“Fuck.”

december

“You really are a frustrating woman.”

“Oh yeah?”

“You just… Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

“Use your words.”

“What if you don’t like the words I choose to use?”

“I’m not afraid of you, man.”

“It’s just… Here’s the thing… I want to fucking marry the shit out of you.”

“Oh… Okay!”

“Yay!”

“You can’t wear your Adidas to the ceremony.”

“I loathe you.”

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24 Responses

  1. Shelley says:

    “Unless you have eyes in the back of your head…” HA!

  2. Ben says:

    There are some absolutely genius lines in this. Naturally. I shouldn’t have expected anything less.

  3. Sarah says:

    Good God! You’ve been hiding in my apartment listening to my conversations!

  4. Toe says:

    wonderful. Fave: “You’re a delicate flower.” Ha!

  5. Story of our love.

    And no you cannot wear your Adidas to the ceremony.

  6. Awwww!

    Looks like these people had a better year than I did!

    HEY maybe you are forecasting your future? Hmmmmm.

  7. Andrea says:

    It’s pretty genius.

  8. Matt says:

    Shell top adidas!!! They go perfect with every tux

  9. Hänni says:

    This is really great. My favorite month was July. Jump around, get up, get up, and get down!

  10. i think it IS genius.

    good stuff peter.

  11. Michael says:

    Fantastic. Love it.

  12. So uh…that’s pretty much how ALL my interactions with boys sound, only it’s not on a year timeline. It’s on like, a 3 year timeline with some bullshit months of nothing sprinkled in there between the “I love you” month and the “I want to marry you” month and in those bullshit months, I’ll have met someone else and started the whole thing over again.

    Peter. When are you coming to Chicago? Get a move on, seriously.

  13. Kaci says:

    “I want to fucking marry the shit out of you.”
    “Oh… Okay!”

    Just another day in the life of Kaci. Pretty much word for word, actually.

    Loved this, as I love everything of yours.

  14. Joe says:

    Favorite line:

    It’s nougat.

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