Oh Britney…

Not many of you know that I am a world-renown lyricist.

True story.

A few of the things I’ve written include:

Chicago’s “25 or 6 to 4.”
O-Town’s “Liquid Dreams.”
The Armenian national anthem. (Mer Hayrenik like a mother fucker!)

I haven’t written any songs in a while. But, that is about the change.

Today.

The Britney Spears story… I had to say something. And I think I say things best with my lyrics, you know? So, I woke up early this morning and wrote this. I hope it means as much to you to read it as it did for me to write it.

(Please note: The spoken sections are italicized.)

Oh Britney

You know I love you, Britney. Our time together was magic. But, girl… what happened?

Baby, where did it all go wrong.
Once you had my heart.
And now I’m writing a song,
About how you tore it all apart.

I knew that things were bad,
When I saw you in your car.
Camera flashes illuminating,
The jagged c-section scar.

C-section scaaaaar across my heart.

And the way you dress, girl.
You used to have a knack.
Now it’s like you’re sticking ten pounds of shit,
Into a five pound sack.

And not a pretty sack.
Noooooo not a pretty sack.

You once made me laugh,
calling people from Maine “exotic.”
Look at you now,
Bitch, what was up with “Chaotic?”

Shaky cameraaaaaaaaaas.

If we got back together,
I know your heart would sing.
I miss looking into my boxers,
And seeing an orange Cheetohs ring.

[Guitar solo.]

I offered you my ring.
I offered you it all.
You replied with, “Rhubarb,
Rhubarb, purple lampshade, y’all.”
And I didn’t understand.
That shit was indecipherable.

Indecipherable with loooove.

Ohhhhh Britney.

Where the fuck you get those wigs at?

Ohhhhh Britney.

I was the one that knocked up your sister.

Ohhhhh Britney.

I only dated you because Mandy Moore wouldn’t put out.

Ohhhhh Britney.

I send you… my love.

– Copyright 2008 El Lobo Grande Musical Publishing

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No Responses

  1. lspoon says:

    You’re amazing. You know that right?

    C Section Scar across my heart…classic.

  2. Susie says:

    omg that was awesome.

    You NEED to create a youtube video of you singing this. You’ll be soo famous. Do it!

  3. Tia says:

    so effing funny.

    seriously.

    and i second the youtube idea.

  4. Eve says:

    Did you ever see that Eddie Murphy sketch on SNL about being the fifth Beatle? Hilarious.

  5. tiff says:

    i always thought the voice of this blog was similar to they lyrical prowess of O-Town.

    Did you happen to write “Faded” by SoulDecision? I know you’re humble, but you really should fess up.

  6. toadely says:

    Cheetohs ring! HAH!!!! That has to be one of the funniest things I’ve read ,,, all year!

  7. Ashley says:

    that was HYSTERICAL. I nearly fell off my chair. You know, if i was sitting in a chair.

    I am all about the youtube version of this. It’ll be so much better than that guy crying hysterically about britney.

  8. Clink says:

    This is some funny shit.

    This is exactly what I needed today.

  9. Mel says:

    I say youtube it… shirtless possibly?

    Isn’t there more spear kids waiting to come out of the woodwork? Then we can have like a Jackson 5 clan of tranwrecks?

  10. Chris says:

    Laughing. Laughing hard.

  11. sissa1218 says:

    this was really too funny. i loved it. damn. i usually hate things making fun of britney. my love her her is my secret shame.

  12. blogging says:

    hilarious.

  13. Michelle and the City says:

    yeah this song rocks.

    c section scar a”cross my heart” and hope to die ;)

  14. Rachel says:

    Can I ask without sounding completely stupid for a sex craved teenager?

    What is “putting out”?

    I’m a looser aren’t I?

  15. sid says:

    I am glad you don’t actually write lyrics for a living.

  16. pinknest says:

    and your dance moves are…?

  17. brandy says:

    Hi, I love you. And I appreciate the fact that you have ‘the spoken word’ in the song.

  18. Steph says:

    You kill me. You’re so funny and so wrong at the same time.

  19. libby says:

    hahaha
    those are some hilarious lyrical stylings mr. dewolf!

  20. WendyB says:

    This is seriously top 40 material.

  21. kirbyann says:

    I think this is the funniest thing I have read all month. Thank you for making my day. :)

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