Discussions about being single seem to come up more often around than holidays than any other time of the year. (Although, I suspect with women, it comes up any time a wedding invitation lands in the mail.)
“Don’t you miss having a girlfriend at Christmas?”
I actually discussed my feelings on this recently. However, my counsel (aka Clink) recommended that I don’t post what I told her. And not because she wants to hide my lovability. Because, really, is that even possible? It was because I’ve been bothered by some of the grief I’ve taken lately about the number of female commenters I get here.
And I don’t mean the good natured ribbing from friends about the skewed demographics. I understand good natured ribbing. That’s how I makes my livings.
I’ve actually been accused of posting stuff JUST to appeal to the female commenters. The insinuation being that I use blog posts to get female attention to feed my ego.
First of all, I had a fairly substantial crush on myself looooong before I ever had a blog. And I suspect that will continue after I stop blogging.
Also, I like to think that I wrote like this first and some of you ladies hang out here because of that.
Regardless, it kind of sucks to second guess blog posts before hitting publish. It sucks to wonder if it is going to come across as a cry for attention or some such.
It sucks that I am probably going to shut comments off on this post because of it.
But, I am working on getting back to not giving a fuck.
Now, the lack of a significant other thing…
There are times.
There are times when it does hit you.
The other night I called The ACN. She was hanging out with her grandmother (her dad’s mom.) And her grandmother (aka Nana) told me that they were reading a book about a little boy who also has CP.
That started to hit me a little, but I powered through.
“Are you liking the book?”
She replied with the cutest little “Yeeeeah” ever.
And then she wanted to get off the phone immediately because the book was more interesting than Unc. As most books are.
I sat there.
For a while.
My thoughts were jumbled.
I felt heart broken wondering about how much she understood. How much does she understand about why she is in a wheelchair like the little boy in the story.
I felt frustrated that she couldn’t just tell me how much she understood.
I felt guilty for being frustrated, because I know how hard it is for her when we don’t understand her.
I felt VERY proud of her for being such a tough and sweet little trooper. She’s been through a LOT.
And all these feelings hit at once.
And I sat there.
At some point I realized that this… this was one of those times when I missed having a girlfriend.
Someone with whom there is no need for an introduction or explanation before you say something. Someone with whom there is no need for a disclaimer afterwards.
Someone who will let you just express “it” and get it out.
If you sound like a prick, it’s fine.
If you sound like a 12 year old girl, it’s fine.
It’s just fine.
So, yeah, I miss thinking and researching and shopping for months to find that present that makes a girlfriend’s face light up.
But, I miss that safe to be yourself feeling so much more.