sid asked: Okay so tell us about some of those elusive whores. What exactly have they done to change your outlook on life.
And since I have nothing else I want to write about today, I’ll answer this one right away. (You can still ask questions!)
I am going to tell you about the biggest Program Changer so far. Also, I now regret jokingly using “elusive whores.” And not just because the lady in question will read these posts and punch me square in the kidney. (I’m guessing the left one. I’m not sure why…)
I’ll leave out the story of how we met, other than to say it was complete fluke. I will also leave out my usual answers for when people asked how we met:
“Prison pen pal program.”
“Girl stalked me. For realsies.”
What they don’t tell you is that sometimes when you meet a Program Changer…
You still try to screw it up.
You try to use logic. “I don’t see how this could possibly work out.”
You try to use excuses. “I’m married to the sea.”
But the good ones ignore that. “Shuuuut up. This is happening.”
Did I know she was a Program Changer right away?
Yeeeah. Pretty much.
If she had a baseball card — which would be quite weird as Jai Alai is her game — the stats on the back would say:
Gorgeous in that way that breaks your heart a little each time you look at her
Stolen Bases — 27
Plus she adored me. Though that was probably a given when I mentioned “Blazingly Smart,” right?
And you know how the more you get to know someone, the more you hate them? (Wait… that’s just me?) Well, she got even better with time.
Annnnyway, it didn’t work out — for reasons both mundane and groin-grabbingly unfair. (She violated her parole.)
The second part of sid’s question had to do with how the Program Changer changed me.
Other than her raising the bar for future women to incredible heights, she changed the way I communicate.
I communicate now.
It was a little weird at first, but it’s not so bad.
I have thoughts and feelings and I express them.
Who knew that could work?
She changed me in a bunch of other ways, but I can’t think of anything snarky to say about them. So, you know, what’s the point?
In general, she definitely changed me for the better. And I hope that I did the same for her.
Or, at the very least, spoiled her so much that I ruined her for all other men.
I’m nice like that.