I decided years ago, but still well into (chronological) adulthood, that I was going to wear mittens in the winter. Not gloves. Mittens.


Dads wear gloves. And, as numerous tests have proven over the years, I’m not a dad.

I could think of no reason why I would need to be able to use my fingers individually outside in the winter. Especially seeing as how I am not a World War II sniper.

Also, if things are getting ready to do down, you know, in the streets, I feel that mittens are better for chucking the knuckles. All my fingers together. Soli-damn-darity!

I currently own some kick ass mittens. On the outside, they look like any other mitten. Just knitted with some regular yarn. But, on the inside…

Lined with lambs wool. From a lamb!

Every time I put them on, it feels like little lambs are hugging my hands. My fingers feel warm and loved. And that is really all we can ask for. Am I right? I’m right.

I am trying to learn to respect people that wear gloves. But, it’s a journey. I just don’t understand. I am not saying that because you keep your fingers separated that you are absolutely a segregationist, but, you know…

After reading this, you may approach me on the street.

“But, Peter, people should have the freedom to choose what they wear on their own hands, right?”

“No, that’s not right. You are completely wrong. And, quite frankly, kind of a moron. Now BE GONE!”

“But — but– ” you’ll try to reply.

However, I’ll have turned away, because I’ve already told you to be gone.

You’ll slowly start walking away, all crest-fallen.

Then I’ll say, “Wait! Come back.”

And you’ll race back to me, with a hesitant smile and hopeful eyes.

I’ll ask you, “Do you have change for a twenty? I’m going to a diner for lunch and want some flexibility when it comes to leaving a tip.”

“Will four fives do?” You’ll ask.

“Yes. That’s perfect. I really appreciate this.”

“Happy to help out.”

“Thanks so much. Would have been a hassle otherwise. And I am a bit pinched for time.”

“Been there.”

“This crazy world we live in. Now… BE GONE!

And that is why everyone should wear mittens.

Mittens, motherfuckers. MITTENS!

26 thoughts on “Mittens

  1. You are a funny beastie, Peter DeWolf!

    Do you wear the mittens with the string that goes up your sleeve and around your neck? I wouldn’t want you to lose a mitten!

  2. jenbun: The ACN and I got matching mittens for Xmas. Hers have the string. Mine don’t. I was a bit disappointed.

    max: Perhaps. But, I feel much less strongly about flip flops.

  3. That pretty much covers it for me, but what is your position on Glomits!? (The mitten/fingerless glove hybrid?) The masses MUST know!

  4. yellowdart: I feel like they are trying too hard to impress everyone. They seem like the type that would put out to try to make people like them.

    clink: But… But… It’s like a party for your fingers and everyone is invited.

  5. But Peter, they are the best of both worlds! The finger dexterity of gloves combined with the cozy comfort of mittens is a match made in winter apparel heaven! I cant see the downside. Besides, mittens are pretty much just a glorified sock…just sayin’.

  6. They make mittens that turn into gloves. Did you know that? The mitten part is a flap and the gloves are the ones with the fingers cut out. Perfect for the random times you need finger flexibility…I think :)

  7. I have to take a split approach. (This might be the Libra in me, I don't know.) Mittens are great for being outside, when your fingers need to huddle together for warmth. But when driving, I need to feel like I have more control than mittens can provide. Mittens feel too clumsy for driving but I still require the protection of a layer between my hands & the frozen steering wheel. Or, well, I did. I took a different approach all together: six years ago, I simmply moved to Florida. =P

  8. you are wrong. convertible mittens are the truth and the lights see here.
    Think of it, all of the warmth and finger togetherness of mittens but with the dexterity of gloves.
    I win.

  9. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m sitting here thinking “I bet that lamb needed his wool more than Peter’s hands needed that wool.” I’m starting a campaign:

    “Lambs ain’t fer yer hands!”

  10. My mother bought me fancy leather mittens for Christmas that have secret, microfleece glove fingers inside. I should send you a pair.

  11. I wear mittens because I enjoy flipping people off while driving, but do not enjoy getting shot. This way – everybody wins!

    Although recently I was tempted by a pair of leather mittens that were gloves inside. I can’t explain it – it made me feel all funny inside.

  12. The locksmith who broke me into my car told me mittens made better sense because they keep your fingers closer together and, thus, warmer.

    You go, boy.

  13. Mittens, mother fucker, MITTENS.

    I could learn to love mittens, if I had ones like your’s. I could learn to love anything if it was like little lambs hugging me.

  14. This morning it was so cold that I was afraid that if I blinked, my eyelids would freeze together (do you think that’s possible? I mean, I know it’s most certainly not, but still, wouldn’t that be weird?), and by the time I got to my office from my home (and I believe I’ve told you all about my long commute), my fingers were so cold they hurt. And I was wearing gloves. So I think I may be moving into Camp Mitten.

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