I decided years ago, but still well into (chronological) adulthood, that I was going to wear mittens in the winter. Not gloves. Mittens.
Dads wear gloves. And, as numerous tests have proven over the years, I’m not a dad.
I could think of no reason why I would need to be able to use my fingers individually outside in the winter. Especially seeing as how I am not a World War II sniper.
Also, if things are getting ready to do down, you know, in the streets, I feel that mittens are better for chucking the knuckles. All my fingers together. Soli-damn-darity!
I currently own some kick ass mittens. On the outside, they look like any other mitten. Just knitted with some regular yarn. But, on the inside…
Lined with lambs wool. From a lamb!
Every time I put them on, it feels like little lambs are hugging my hands. My fingers feel warm and loved. And that is really all we can ask for. Am I right? I’m right.
I am trying to learn to respect people that wear gloves. But, it’s a journey. I just don’t understand. I am not saying that because you keep your fingers separated that you are absolutely a segregationist, but, you know…
After reading this, you may approach me on the street.
“But, Peter, people should have the freedom to choose what they wear on their own hands, right?”
“No, that’s not right. You are completely wrong. And, quite frankly, kind of a moron. Now BE GONE!”
“But — but– ” you’ll try to reply.
However, I’ll have turned away, because I’ve already told you to be gone.
You’ll slowly start walking away, all crest-fallen.
Then I’ll say, “Wait! Come back.”
And you’ll race back to me, with a hesitant smile and hopeful eyes.
I’ll ask you, “Do you have change for a twenty? I’m going to a diner for lunch and want some flexibility when it comes to leaving a tip.”
“Will four fives do?” You’ll ask.
“Yes. That’s perfect. I really appreciate this.”
“Happy to help out.”
“Thanks so much. Would have been a hassle otherwise. And I am a bit pinched for time.”
“This crazy world we live in. Now… BE GONE!
And that is why everyone should wear mittens.
Mittens, motherfuckers. MITTENS!