Me and the Canada Geese

I was getting ready to take a shower this morning when I looked out my window.

Then I looked again.

Two Canada Geese were wandering around the backyard.


I’m not sure how rare it is for Canada Geese to wander into someone’s yard, but I know that it’s never happened before in MY yard.

I grabbed my camera and coat and rushed outside.

I was afraid to get too close and spook them, so I started taking pics right away. I slowly moved a bit closer.

I got some decent shots.

I also noticed for the first time that my fingers were sticking to the metal camera. It was a tad nippy out.

It was at this point that I decided — despite how robust they looked — that these geese appeared to be hungry. (This also happens to me with various other kinds of animals… and skinny women.)

So, I foraged around the kitchen and found stale trail mix and nacho chip dealies. I went back outside and tossed them into the yard.


The geese didn’t even notice.

“Sons of bitches!”

I said that, not the geese.

I went back into the house to see what I could find.

I discovered some hamburger buns and brought one outside.

I decided that the other food I had thrown was too close to the house. So, I broke off pieces of hamburger bun and tossed them out farther and farther from the original pile of food.

I figured a bread crumb trail worked for Hansel and Gretel, so…

Or did they get eaten by a witch?

Regardless, that was my plan.

So, I had chucked out a dozen or more pieces of bun when suddenly a couple dozen seagulls flew in from every direction. They were joined by a few crows. It felt very Tipi Hedren-esque.

These newcomers were gobbling up the chunks of bun. I looked down the yard and the Canada Geese hadn’t even noticed!! They waddled around, picking at the ground and grooming themselves. (Much like, I suspect, Paris Hilton would do if she was a bird.)

I gave up and went back into the house.

But, I learned a valuable lesson today, my friends…

Despite being truly majestic creatures, when not flying in a “V,” these feathered fucks don’t have a clue what they are doing.


Thus endeth “Profiles in Nature, with Peter DeWolf.”

5 thoughts on “Me and the Canada Geese

  1. Hmm, stale trail mix, nacho chips, and hamburger buns do not a Canadian Goose’s fancy make, huh? But if I ever wanted to attract seagulls and crows I know what I can toss. Then again, around here you toss anything on the ground and a cloud of pigeons and seagulls will swarm on it.

  2. My s/o would agree – he’s of the “birds are the dumbest f’ing creatures alive” camp. And hates that I buy my mother a bird Christmas ornament every year. So what, the fake bird can fake shit on her Christmas tree? Pfftt…

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