make-up sex

They say that you never get a second chance to make a first blog impression.

Well, *I* say it. And that is all the damn “they'” that you need.

I am occasionally completely obsessed with the thought of someone finding my blog for the first time. (It also sometimes doesn’t cross my mind at all. I’m funny like that.) What will be my top post at that very moment?

Will I be talking about re-enacting STEP UP 2: THE STREETS in it’s entirety using sock puppets? Or maybe I’ll be trying to figure out which is a funnier excited eating noise: “NOM NOM NOM” or “OM NOM NOM.”

I really hope that it isn’t this post. Mostly because I am going to discuss…

make-up.

Now, I’m no expert on make-up. It’s true. I mean, there was that one time. But, it was college. And, quite frankly, I was looking a little washed-out. Don’t you judge me.

Actually, if I am being completely honest, I should remind you about my prize-winning* junior high acting career.

(*Please note that there were no actual prizes won**)

(**Unless you consider building self-esteem and teaching me how to work well within a group to be prizes.***)

(*** I don’t.)

I think I’ve blogged about this before, but am too lazy to go find you a link. Plus, if you haven’t already read every single one of my posts, then you are DEAD TO ME.

I tried out for my first play because they were having auditions during recess and it was 137 degrees below zero outside that day. A perk that I wasn’t made aware of was that the make-up chicas were the high school cheerleaders. As a boy of that age (and any age, really) I liked this idea. I was very excited about getting to spend so much time, in close proximity, with these hotties in the short green skirts. I was a little bummed when I realized that they wouldn’t be wearing the cheerleading uniforms while doing our make-up.

I was even more bummed when I remembered that I would be wearing a mask for the entire play and not needing make-up at all. (My claims that some of my neck could be visible fell on deaf — and less pervy — ears.) There was only one solution…

Do more (mask-free!) plays.

And I did.

A good number of you have never been a thirteen year old boy. Lemme tell you, that shit ain’t easy.

You’re sitting in a chair. Some cute girl is standing with one leg on either side of your thigh (as you thank God for being tall) and leaning in very close to your face. The smell of perfume and hair spray is clouding your mind. In a good way. Suddenly “Hold still,” being half-whispered sounds like the single sexiest phrase ever uttered. Somehow a boob lightly brushes your shoulder.

Director: We’re on in five minutes.

Peter (voice cracking): I’m going to need ten… and someone to discuss baseball and old lady underwear with.

My least favourite thing was that eye liner pencil dealie. That is NUTS. I had to let someone who spelled “Rowdy” as “R-O-W-D-I-E!” draw on my eye with something sharp?? This really stressed me out. Not enough to kill an erection, of course, but I didn’t much like it.

Was there a point to this post?

Nope. Not really.

I am curious about one thing though. I’ve noticed lately, in Facebook pics and the like, that sometimes women’s eye lashes look all separated. They are like a bunch of tiny little fingers waving to me and saying, “Peterrrrr, look how cute we are!”

How exactly does that work? Is it the mascara they use? Genetics? Can anyone accomplish this?

These are the questions that pop into my head.


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17 Responses

  1. lspoon says:

    Perfect eyelashes take a lot of patience.

    And as a girl who puts on eyeliner everyday…I still find that fact that I could poke my eye out with a slight hand tremor terrifying.

  2. srah says:

    Are you saying that they look like little waving hands because they have approximately five clumps of lashes on each eye, or are you talking about each eyelash being separated from its neighbors? Because the former is gross and the latter is the way it’s supposed to be. They flow around individually when you’re not wearing any makeup and I think they’re supposed to do the same when you are. Maybe I’m crazy, but I think mascara is supposed to thicken/lengthen each individual lash, rather than lumping them together. Sure, they’re more visible if they’re lumped together, but you also look like a clown.

    Here is a horrifying story about clumpy mascara: http://www.schmutzie.com/2008/01/mascara-and-tweezers-but-mostly-mascara.html

  3. sid says:

    LOL! Peter I think this is one of my favourite posts. I can just see you sitting there asking someone to talk to you about old women’s panties. I’m so directing all my readers to this post.

  4. Hope says:

    Now, I’m all paranoid. Were you looking at my photos? Is my mascara all clumpy? Do my eyelashes look like tiny fingers?

    Eek!

    These are the questions that pop into my mind.

    Also, I can see why ‘hold still’ would sound sexy. ;)

  5. JenBun says:

    You’re right– it wasn’t REALLY about sex!

    “Hold still” while I lay a little knowledge on you…

    As someone who did makeup for some plays (and also as someone who wears makeup– but NOT stage makeup– on a daily basis), I can tell you– back in the day (which was a Wednesday)(I stole that from Dane Cook), women used a safety pin to separate their lashes and remove clumps (you can see Julia Roberts do this in “Charlie Wilson’s War”). These days, though, we pretty much just use mascara and an eyelash comb (yes, that’s a thing)– it gets rid of the clumps and separates and defines. Also, a clean mascara wand works beautifully.

    OK, that was more eyelash info than you ever could possibly need. Enjoy!

  6. Hollywood Sucker says:

    I was going to leave a comment about clumpy mascara but I see that topic has been covered enough.

    So how about I spell Rowdy for you instead?

    R O W D I E

  7. erin says:

    i had a fear of liquid eyeliner following a turn as a siamese child in The King & I.

    To this day, I still sort of hate it.

  8. Airam says:

    Eyelashes is all about the wand. And not a magic fairy wand. That would be cool though.

  9. The Stormin Mormon says:

    Pete, I’m not going to lie…

    I think I may have missed a post or two…

  10. poodlegoose says:

    This made me curious to see the first post I ever saw when I came over to your blog. It wassssss…. the day you posted “no post” because you guest posted over at Molly’s blog. But that was a good one too.

  11. Tia says:

    fake.

    fake eyelashes.

    (i’m assuming.)

    the boys love them.

    and i credit them with the prompt offering of an engagement ring.

    not kidding. but that’s a whole post.

  12. littlewhiteliar says:

    Your jealous site ate my link!

    http://www.xopl.com/blog/embedded/carmonster.jpg

    Still makes me laugh.

  13. Meghan says:

    I’m a fan of NOM NOM NOM.

  14. lfar says:

    I quite like this post.

    Here’s my makeup tip of the… year…

    I never used to wear mascara because I thought it looked too “I’M WEARING MASCARA!” until I discovered there are colours other than black! It’s called “brown black” and it looks natural! Try it out, Pete!

  15. anne says:

    What do you know… this is my first visit to your blog and the first post I read! I might have to search for the nom-nom-nom – sounds intriguing.

    The thing is, “Y” doesn’t rhyme with rowdy. Quick change to an “I-E” and problem solved! It’s ingenious, really.

  16. sidewaysrain says:

    true story – if there was a guy I liked I’d make him sit in the makeup chair for way longer than necessary.

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