Kick in the jiggers

I’m not telepathic.

I know. I KNOW. I’m as shocked as you.

I’ve always assumed the skill would be there if and when I needed it.

Like when people can supposedly summon great stores of strength when a loved one is in danger.

This kinda sucks.

I had plans for it. These include, but are not limited to:

– To stop people from taking something that I want. “You will NOT eat that last piece of pizza. Don’t do it. Don’t… Oh crap. You WILL become scary flatulent. You will become…”

– To affect the thoughts and actions of politicians. “You WILL step down as Prime Minister, you well-coiffed sack of shit. You WILL step down as Prime Minister, you well-coiffed sack of shit… And make IT legal.”

– To negatively affect players from sports teams that I don’t like. “You WILL drop that pass. You will fumble that ball. You WILL brandish a firearm in the parking lot of a low-class strip joint, while you and your baby momma argue with the police. Yes, AGAIN.”

Last night I decided to do a little minor telepathing, never once thinking it wouldn’t work, but it had no effect.

I tried again. I made little circles on my temples with my pointy fingers and kept thinking about what I wanted to happen. (Not something dirty, you pervs.)

Absolutely nada.

This is one of the most jarring things I’ve experienced since I was 12 and realized that I could not use my mind to make bikini tops lose tensile strength.

So, if you are suddenly feeling an overwhelming urge to leave a comment, it is most likely not my doing.

However, if your bikini top feels like it is going to fly off… Well, you never know. That could be one of those skills that it takes a while to develop.

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