Kevin & Dave

This is Kevin and Dave. I’d tell you which is which, but let’s face it, you’ll only forget in five minutes.

Don’t feel bad. They are staggeringly forgettable.

Kevin’s Mom forgot him at the mall when he was 3… and when he was 5. Dave’s prom date just forgot to show up all together. She got deeply enthralled in an episode of “Melrose Place” and blanked completely.

Kevin and Dave have been living together since college. They are 36 now.

Neither Kevin nor Dave has ever seen a naked woman outside of a strip joint. Did I mention that they are 36?

Other than the expected Picard vs. Kirk arguments, they got along very well.

Recently though, things had not been going as smoothly. Kevin had taken to eating the last of Dave’s Raisin Bran and then not buying more.

Dave decided to play a trick on Kevin. He glued Kevin’s phone to his desk. Dave didn’t factor in just how spectacularly unpopular they were, and it took four days before anyone even called.

Kevin knew that he’d been had. He didn’t know why Dave did it, but he knew that he must get his revenge. So, Kevin threw one red sock in with Dave’s dirty laundry. 5 days later, Dave looked like Pinky Tuscadero. Again, this did little to their popularity. They did however both develop cravings for cotton candy.

Dave wasn’t going to take this sitting down – on his special-ordered gaming chair. He broke into Kevin’s desk and stole his favourite 20-sided Dungeons and Dragons dice. That very night Kevin (aka Lord Elsior Nonooky) got killed by a menacing ogre.

The war was on.

Kevin cut the toes out of Dave’s socks.

Dave put peroxide in Kevin’s dandruff shampoo.

Kevin put Dave’s toothbrush in the toilet.

Dave told Kevin that it was actually his own toothbrush.

They both went to buy new toothbrushes.

Kevin got Jehovah’s Witnesses to go visit Dave.

Dave signed Kevin up for a gay dating service.

Kevin questioned some things — then let the air out of Dave’s tires.

Dave had had enough. He sat down at his computer to put his new plan in motion.

The next morning Dave returned from a Power Walk around the park, to see the light on their answering machine flashing. Dave had never seen this before. He clicked the “Play” button.

It was Kevin and he was frantic.

“Dave! Oh my God! Somehow I got on a terrorist watch list. AND the FBI most wanted list. Interpol wants to question me now. There was a full cavity search! Dave! Help!! Call a lawyer. Call my parents! For the love of God help me!!!!”

Dave shut the answering machine off.

“Eat my cereal now, bitch.”

3 thoughts on “Kevin & Dave

  1. Uh.. err… uh… wha???

    Utterly amusing from the start through all the escalation and to the end with the clever punchline. Now dare I ask if this is fact or fiction (leaning towards fiction)?

  2. Thanks, man.

    It is fiction. Though I did know two computer geeks named Kevin & Dave in college. (They weren't that geeky though.) And I would TOTALLY do that to someone over cereal.

  3. It’s not fair of you to write something like this, KNOWING that almost six years later, a telemarketer would be reading it and read the punchline right before a call, thus not being able to laugh.

    How cruel and devious of you.

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