it’s when they wrap their tiny little fingers around mine, future wife

Hi, you.

I’d like to have kids. You know, with you.

I can almost see already how it will unfold.

I think our first baby will be a boy. You’ll think that I’ll be thrilled with a son. And I will be. But I’ll also be a little secretly sad that it wasn’t a baby girl to take after you.

I’ll hold him for the first time.

“He’s gorgeous,” I’ll say.

“He really is.”

“He looks just like me! Kidding. He looks like both of us.” I’ll smile and kiss you. “Though he mostly looks like me.”

We’ll get him home.

It’ll come time for the first changing.

“Baby, I’m so tiiiiired,” you’ll whisper.

“But it smells really bad.”

“Peter… you’re the one who bragged about all the diaper changing experience he has.”

“Fiiiiiiine.”

I’ll carry the little stink bomb into his room. I’ll open his diaper and…

“Oh sweet mother! Wow. Just wow. I know you hear me on the monitor, woman. You better not be smiling.”

You’ll pull the sheets up to cover your face and to stifle the giggles.

“It’s just…” I’ll continue. “So. Bad. It’s like you’ve been feeding this kid Indian food and evil!”

And then there’ll be the middle of the night feedings.

“Baaaaabe, can you get this one?”

“I don’t have any breasts.”

“We switched to a bottle weeks ago.”

“Well, sure, there’s that.”

“I gave birth to your son.”

“That one is not going to work forever, you know.”

“Yes it is.”

“Curses!”

And when he gets a little older, he’ll waddle over, climb up on my knee and watch soccer with me.

“Daddy, who’s playing?”

“The Toronto Blue Jays. We like them.”

“Who is the other team?”

“New York Yankees. They are poopy.”

“Mommy thinks baseball is boring.”

“You’re mother is a bit of a harlot. I wanted to wait until you were older to tell you…”

“I like the Yankees. They have strips on their costumes.”

“I will straight up give you to the gypsies.”

“Peter!!” you’ll yell, after entering the room without me noticing.

“Kidding. I’m kidding!” I’ll shake my head side to side and mouth “I’m not” at the kid. Then I’ll mime “I’m watching you” to him.

And when he’s fifteen he’ll want some cash to go to a movie with that cute little brunette girl from his English class who writes poems but won’t show them to anyone but him. You’ll balk because the girl’s mother “always skimped on snacks for the kids’ soccer games” five years earlier. And because, “She’s a judgmental jerk who dresses like she thinks she’s still twenty-two!” And he’ll be sad. And I’ll take him aside. I’ll explain that what seems like love at his age, often isn’t. And that he’ll meet thousands of women in his life, each with attributes that will make her special. And that you and I are doing our very best to help him grow up healthy and happy.

Then I’ll slip him a couple of twenties and say, “Don’t tell your mother.”

It’s gonna happen. Make your peace with it now.

Then he’ll graduate from high school.

And I’ll be annoyed at sitting there for so long. And I’ll wonder, a little too loud, who wrote those terrible speeches. And then the little bastard, who you’ll claim ruined your body (he so hasn’t) and who I’ll resent because his soon to be half-assed university career is going to cost me the stash of money I had put aside for my personal robot that sings Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock’s “Joy and Pain” and makes the world’s best pancakes, will take the stage.

And he’ll get his diploma…

And we”ll know we did good.

You’ll cry.

I’ll hug you.

And I’ll hope, with every ounce of my being, that when he finds someone to spend his life with, he’ll be half as lucky as I’ve been.

Love,
Peter

====
photo credit: Adrian Dreßler via photopin cc

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32 Responses

  1. Lindsay says:

    Damn you, making me tear up in the morning. I’ve barely finished my coffee.

    There is so much about this that I love.

    The banter.

    The Indian food and evil.

    The kid + FW ganging up on you.

    But, mostly, most of all.

    That friggin robot.

    SOUNDS SO AWESOME.

  2. moooooog35 says:

    You forgot about taking him to his first prostitute.

    It’s a touching experience.

    Literally.

  3. Peter this was your best post yet.. what a way to start the morning.. it was absolutely lovely with all the little details that made me smile.. “I gave birth to your son…”, “…your mother is a harlot…..”, “then I’ll slip him some twenties….” and the rest of the post.. how do you come with these adorable things?

  4. one more thing.. you actually had me at the title..

  5. Linz says:

    I just love the Future Wife posts…and the fact that you called her a harlot. It’s actually really cute that you call her ‘woman’ when you’re trying to be stern.

  6. DCPTexas says:

    When, and if, you pull the trigger on the robot, pay the extra $250 and spring for the model that dispenses the pancake batter from both the front and the back. After all, it’s really about the enetertainment Right? Right! Nice work Peter!

  7. B says:

    I mean, honestly. How is one not a puddle of goo after that?

    So sweet.

  8. Carmen says:

    I have come to the conclusion that there is no way you are real. Real boys don’t write like that… I envy your Future Wife.

  9. Habbala says:

    Happy Friday to me, and everyone who started off reading this today.

    Indian food and evil? I die.

  10. Monica says:

    Dude.. I’m secretly hoping that you are writing this to a “real someone” (joke on us) out there and she melted as much as I melted today reading this.

    lucky girl.

  11. F says:

    Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Yet another post that makes me melt!

    Peter, I can only hope that my future husband is HALF the man you are!

  12. MissE says:

    It is possible, just a little, that I hate you a little every time I read one of these posts because it makes me hope just a little that out there somewhere is a guy who is going to see me as his “future wife” and who will be as awesome as you are in these posts. And I know it isn’t possible because there is only one you and you live too damn far away!
    *Emma shakes an only slightly serious fist in Peter’s general direction… at least she thinks it’s his general direction as she’s not that good with directions and to be honest, Canada could be anywhere from here… here being my computer desk in good old Adelaide*

    Also – if any of that made any sort of sense to you … I’ll be impressed.

  13. sarah says:

    Sparta informed me this weekend that we can never have kids because he’s afraid he’ll forget to feed them and come in to find them dead in their cage.

    I think your blog might ruin our relationship.

  14. Amanda says:

    You give me hope about men. It is a false hope but a hope nonetheless.

  15. Shahu says:

    Ohhh, Peter!
    What an adorable post.

  16. Kris says:

    Yeah, so… I’m pretty much weepy right now.

    Not fair!! :p

  17. Esther says:

    So…..I may be reading a little out of order slash a little behind the times (I’m new here, oh well!) but… I want to make out with your words. :)

  18. Linda says:

    Sigh. Glad your blog went back up so I can read this (late to the game). This is just lovely. And what we all want.

  1. June 18, 2012

    […] it’s when they wrap their little fingers around mine, future wife […]

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