it’s all cupid and junk, future wife

Hi, you.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

So I’m not sure if you’re a sappy outside/tough but still sappy inside type, or all tough girl and bluster outside/sappy romantic inside

But it doesn’t matter.  I can work with either.

And you’re going to get spoiled regardless.

I’ve been thinking about what that might involve, you know, if you just go ahead and show up already.

*Ahem*

Even if you’re a “flowers are just fine” type…  Naw.  I’m not about perfunctory gestures.

But I wouldn’t rule flowers out completely.  For example…

I could get 60 strangers to walk up to you on the street and each hand you one flower.  (I really could, I’m surprisingly persuasive.)  Your favourite flower.  Which you will tell me on our third date and I’ll burn it into my mind.  There’ll be a tag on each of these flowers.  On the tag there’ll be one word and one number. (And possibly a picture of me making a silly face and giving a thumbs-up.)  When the tags are placed in numerical order, the words will form a mini word doodle.  Just for you.

I think something moderately sweet, yet kind of a pain in the ass, would represent me pretty well, FW.

Or (And?) I’ll track down your favourite snack treat of all time.  If a cute girl has a favourite snack treat, she should get some.

That’s all.

I should warn that it is possible that I’ll go overboard.  While deciding between buying you three or four of them, I’ll split the difference and buy you seventeen.

I’ll have a day that’s all about you.

Starting with breakfast in bed.  Which I’ll deliver with something like, “The challenge, you see, is making sure the toast is done at the exact same time as the eggs.  Scientists have been working on it for years.  YEARS.”

You’ll call me a “Dork.”

I’ll feign outrage.  Probably by saying, “Outrage!”

I’ll sneakily come up with the PERFECT romantic 12 song playlist and put it on your ipod.  I’ll spend 75 hours working on this list.

You’ll listen to it while getting dressed for dinner.  That I made.  (While rocking an apron.)  This part will be a bit of an adventure.  But I suspect that you’re the brave type.  To test that theory, I’ll mumble things like “You wanted your chicken ‘rare,’ right?”

While getting dressed, you’ll be looking at your ass in the mirror.  You’ll realize you’re not quite as in love with it as I am, but that you’re glad that I like it so much.

You’ll tell me those jeans are a size smaller than you normally wear.

I’ll tell you that I don’t understand girls’ jean sizes.

You’ll say, “Wearing a smaller size makes me happy.  It’s good.”

I’ll look at your ass and say, “Daaaamn right it’s good.  Mrrrwwwwooowwwr.”

You’ll say, “You’re cute.”

I’ll say, “I really am!”

And I’ll wear your favourite outfit on me (and likely something you picked out.)

You’ll say “You remembered.”

And I’ll say, “This?  It was the only thing clean.”

Because I’m like that.

But I’ll smile.

And you’ll know.

And you’ll smile.

And I’ll love it.

However…

Instead of doing any of these things, I’ll likely watch soccer on Sunday and work on my follow-up to this. Maybe I’ll write a super romantic scene for it.

Have a great day.

And hopefully next year, lady, you’ll be my valentine.

Love,
Peter

 

 

 

 

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photo credit: JD Hancock via photopin cc

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35 Responses

  1. Ben says:

    You wait…this will quickly turn into a Cape Breton edition of The Bachelor.

    On which I shall be the delectable host.

    Or judge.

    Or just someone who’s involved for the sake of including a homo.

  2. Aaaand this is why I dot need a Valentine. I’d rather sit on my butt and watch tv then have to do silly things like SHOWER or get dressed.

  3. Your imaginary valentine’s day is so much sweeter than most girl’s real valentine’s day.. I am really quite envious of your FW..

  4. Wendryn says:

    We generally skip Valentine’s day if I possibly can, but this made me smile. Thanks!

  5. Meghan says:

    Mmmmmm. Perfunctory.

  6. Shelley says:

    And does FW do anything for you in return? (Besides put out, I mean…)

  7. It’s complete madness that you’re still single.

  8. Jenn says:

    I think you need to send a Valentine’s Day How-To to the future Mr. Jenn.

    Get on that. Thanks.

  9. Pretty sure I’m going to print this out and pass it out to any future boyfriends as a guide to “how to make Amy swoon beyond all reason…”

  10. Have to admit, that’s pretty effing sweet.

    Except for the part where strangers approach FW. What if she, too, is afraid of odd (read: unknown) people giving her stuff in public?

    Though, really, such an appreciation of her ass probably makes up for it.

    Glad we talked that one out.

  11. Me says:

    You. You might’ve made me tear up and awweeee out loud in public.

    Stinker.

  12. samdotcom says:

    Yeah, you have me all excited for pdw.com – 2/14/11 edition. Obviously FW will be around and if she isn’t, we REALLY need to work on her punctuality.

  13. ?FW? says:

    Melting,is a physical process that results in the phase change of a substance from a solid to a liquid. The internal energy of a substance is increased, typically by the application of heat or pressure, but sometimes words are enough, resulting in a rise of its temperature to the melting point, at which the rigid ordering of molecular entities in the solid breaks down to a less-ordered state and the solid liquefies. An object that has melted completely is molten.

  14. mizzsylviawinchester says:

    dear goofus-

    Look South. I’ve been here the whole time. Waiting.

    Re: those 17 snack cakes. (Chocodiles- if you must know.)

    kthxbai!
    me

  15. gerber daisies and koala yummies.

  16. Courtney says:

    Favorite part of this post? Your feigning tactic.
    Love.

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