it was in khe sanh (or "i wanted to write something fictitious, but that is a good representation of what it's like to date me")

“In the prison camp… In ‘Nam… They’d put bamboo shoots under our fingernails. I’m not going to lie to you, that first time was the most excruciating pain I had ever endured. Truly. I can’t explain it well, but the pain caused the neurons to feel like they were on fire. Literally. I mean, I was shocked that I didn’t see smoke. And as he was getting ready to insert that first one, I told myself I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. But… I had no choice. When I wouldn’t tell them what they wanted to know, they started using bigger shoots. After a while… After a while, I started missing the smaller shoots. I actually fucking missed them, you know? I had forgotten about that feeling… until right now. I miss those first shoots.”

“You’ve been sitting outside a woman’s changing room, looking at me in dresses, for twenty minutes, you big whiner.”

“The horror…”

“Shut it.”


“What about this one?”

“I like it.”

“You don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Too taffeta.”

“Yeah. That sounds like a complaint that I’d have.”

“Why did you agree to come with me?”


“Why not? I feel brave.”

“I thought maybe… we could… in the changing room.”

“Wow. You misread that, huh?”

“I think we should see other people.”

“No you don’t.”


“I’m going to try THIS one on now.”

“I have a good feeling about it.”

“Quiet, you.”

“OK. What is chiff-on? It feels nice against my cheek. I think I could pull off some chiffon. It would drape nicely on me. Except not this colour. Yeah, definitely not. I’d look a little washed out. It wouldn’t show off my eyes. I’m very lovely, you know. I think you take my man-prettiness for granted. I’m striking, really. I’d totally do me.”

“Were you talking out here?”

“No. Oh. I LOVE that one.”

“I couldn’t. It’s too… something.”



“Lady, one of us is wearing this dress tonight. I’ll let you decide.”

“It’s not right…”

“Your ass looks spectacular.”


“Absolutely. I would NEVER joke about a hot ass.”

“That is true…”

“Wrap that one up and let’s bail.”

“I think I’ll bring one of the girls next time.”

“I fucking love you.”

“I’m going to buy you a Cinnabon for being a patient boy.”

“That’s it. I’m going to take you right now, woman. Right here in this bin of discount thongs.”

“Get off me, fool.”

13 thoughts on “it was in khe sanh (or "i wanted to write something fictitious, but that is a good representation of what it's like to date me")

  1. I’m pretty sure I’ve had this exact conversation with my boyfriend before, except we totally tried to get it on in the changing room and almost got busted.

    Fun fact: WAY too many people shop at the Le Chateau outlet in my city.

  2. I would never make any guy wait on me while trying things on– mostly because I pretty much hate trying clothes on in stores. (Unless I’m making him wait outside the dressing rooms of Victoria’s Secret… but then I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t mind that if I were to model the stuff too).


  3. Taking boys shopping with you? This is has to be a fictitious story because no girl in her right mind would take a man to try on dresses. They are only allowed that torture after the marriage.

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