Involuntary Time Travel Would SUCK

I woke up Saturday morning with a good deal of energy. I was going to accomplish a whole mess of crap.

I was a man on a mission.

I showered. I shaved. I got prettied up.

Then I looked out the window and it was all rainy and crappy.


Everyone in Peterville seemed to be busy doing something, though nothing that appealed to me.

None of you jerks were even online.

So, I decided that it would be “National Watch Some of the 50+ Hours of Crap That You Have Recorded On Your PVR Day.” (You heard me, Megan.)

It didn’t really matter that I have 80 hrs of space on the machine.

This is the type of thing that you can decide to do when you are single. If you want to piss a day away watching horse shit, you totally can.

Freedom, baby.

You can also spend an hour some day trying to decide what your name would be if you were an action film star.

Not that I’ve ever done that.

Wolf Peterson.

Bad ass, right?

(If I ever became a Mexican wrestler, I’d be “El Lobo Grande.”)

The first hour I spent watching an NBA exhibition game between the Raptors and a team from Lithuania, that had been played 3 days earlier, and for which I already knew the final score.

That is hardly gathering ye rosebuds while ye may.

While scrolling through a seemingly endless list of recorded programs, I decided on the pilot of “Journeyman.” (This may or may not include spoilers. I haven’t written it yet. Plus, you know, it aired a month ago.)

I knew nothing about this show, other than it involved time travel, starred some dude who seemed like he should be from the U.K., and featured the fifth hottest woman on the planet*.

(*Based on my own very scientific formula.)

The star dude IS from Scotland. He was in TRAINSPOTTING. Which, I just remembered, I have somehow never seen.

There are certain movies that I just never end up watching. There can be any number of reasons for this.

Some include:

FORREST GUMP — I don’t like movies where actors play mentally disabled characters. And it beat PULP FICTION and SHAWSHANK for the Oscar that year. Duuuuude. (This is also why I never watch awards shows anymore.)

DIRTY DANCING — Just ’cause.

A girlfriend almost got me to watch it once. I was… 17? We were on the couch. The FBI warning was on the screen. I decided to use my manly wiles to seduce her as a means of getting out of watching it. I went to put my arm around her and, in some odd slapstickian maneuver, got her earring stuck in my sweater. The more we tried to unhook it, the worse it got. Eventually she managed to extricate herself from the situation. As she was in the bathroom, trying to stop the bleeding, I swapped out DIRTY DANCING for another movie.

The earring thing was completely accidental.


I ended up enjoying the “Journeyman” pilot. I didn’t looooove it, but it was decent.

I did, however, learn one valuable lesson from it:

Involuntary Time Travel Would SUCK!

I am sure we’d all love to go back in time and change things for the better. Warn the Americans about Pearl Harbour. Tell John Lennon to wear a bullet proof vest. Beg Van Morrison to never write “Brown-Eyed Girl.”

But, this dude has no control over it. He’s in the present and then *boom* 1989. (Seeing the guy at the newsstand with the Zach Morris cell phone was priceless.)

And the time travel always happens at the most inopportune times.

I am sure that it would be even worse for me.

I’d suddenly be back in the middle ages.

I’d start chatting with a busty, blue-eyed bar wench.

“Is that a chastity belt in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

“Oh, good sir… tee hee.”

I’d consider, and then reject, the following pick-up lines:

“Could I interest you in private jousting lessons?”

“You wanna see if you can pull Excalibur out of my pants?”

“There’d be nothing torturous about being on YOUR rack.”

I’m better than that.

Then I’d settle on:

“Let’s grab some mead and head back to your place to fool around.”

Once back at her abode, we’d go through the requisite chit chat.

“You don’t have the plague, do you?”

We’d get closer…

“Yow… movies really downplay the lack of disposable razors in the midde ages, eh?”

And then *boom* I am back in the present…

And likely still typing this post.

15 thoughts on “Involuntary Time Travel Would SUCK

  1. The other best thing about not having a significant other is that you can totally stay in saying you have to study but then watch two full seasons of Arrested Development. Then the next morning you can still say you’re studying but really you’re up to reading blogs and leaving comments at 11:31 when it says it was posted at 11:32. Then you feel like a total loser until you realize NS is in a different time zone from ON. Then you shake it off and get back to studying.
    (Also- Moon? Is the 5th hottest? Wolf, come on)

  2. lisa: I think that the ideal significant other will stay in with you and watch two seasons of “Arrested Development” at any time. Actually… I think that is going to be a deal breaker for me from now on.

    Know what’s worse than being up leaving comments on Sunday morning? Being such a dork that you are up writing Monday’s post, and then deciding that it sucks and that you want to post something better to start a week, so you post it on a Sunday instead.

    She IS the 5th hottest. I have the math to back it up. I don’t want to get too technical, but it involves squiggly lines and letters masquerading as numbers.

  3. Who are 1- 4?
    This was a really hilariously random post…
    And of course now I feel like a big loser for sitting at home reading blog posts on a Sunday morning. Maybe I should go to church or something…

  4. you have not watched trainspotting and you compared that with forest gump and dirty dancing? shame on you.

    so the journeyman is like the TV version of “The Time Traveler’s Wife” (i keep getting that mixed up with the “Memory Keeper’s Daughter”)…

  5. how odd. I was listening to Van Morrison while I read this post. And I happen to LOVE Brown Eyed Girl…me and every other brown eyed girl!


  6. skinny: I am only grouping them together on my “I didn’t see them” list, and not based on their alleged quality. Actually, someone mentioned “The Time Traveler’s Wife” to me last week, but I am not sure if the show is based on it, or if it is just another Hollywood coincidence.

    esse: You aren’t one of those women that squeal, “This is My song!” and then run onto the dance floor with your friends?

    airam: The best Jennifer Grey movie ever? Also, I miss her old nose.

  7. 1. That girl’s name is MOON BLOODGOOD. She is automatically disqualified from being in anyone’s Top 5. Also: not that hot anyway, even if her name was “Mindy” or something else super cute.

    2. If you bloodied my ear with your ineptness, I’d kick your ass for switching out the movie I wanted to watch. Then again, I’m a fairly violent person…

  8. miriam: Quantum Leap WAS awesome. I even enjoyed me some occasional Sliders.

    mindy: 1. Would it help you to know that she did some back-up dancing for Prince?

    2. Yeah, she was fairly cool about it. Though karma got me back. A year or so later I got into a little pick-up basketball game while wearing earrings. One got hit and shoved right through my ear. It fell out into my hand. That was the end of my earring career.

  9. So I am confused – have you seen Trainsspotting or not? It’s good.
    Also, that guy in Journeyman was in Rome on HBO. That show freaking rocked. I have yet to watch Journeyman. Damn.
    I think Moon Bloodgood is pretty hot, and her name is awesome!
    So give us the other girls in your top 5 (I already saw Monica Bellucci)! I know my name is on there somewhere – haha.

  10. I think I am thinking too hard about the disposable razor problem.

    You should watch Dirty Dancing. It has some of the greatest horrible film lines in cinematic history.

  11. There should be talk like a medieval person day. It’d give you a chance to use those hilariously awesome pickup lines. Seriously? Chastity belt or are you happy to see me? NEVER thought of that, and will never think of it again the same way.

  12. Oh no, Jennifer Grey’s finest moments happened in Ferris Bueller’s….but nobody-puts-baby-in-a-corner comes in #2.

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