Involuntary Time Travel Would SUCK
I woke up Saturday morning with a good deal of energy. I was going to accomplish a whole mess of crap.
I was a man on a mission.
I showered. I shaved. I got prettied up.
Then I looked out the window and it was all rainy and crappy.
Everyone in Peterville seemed to be busy doing something, though nothing that appealed to me.
None of you jerks were even online.
So, I decided that it would be “National Watch Some of the 50+ Hours of Crap That You Have Recorded On Your PVR Day.” (You heard me, Megan.)
It didn’t really matter that I have 80 hrs of space on the machine.
This is the type of thing that you can decide to do when you are single. If you want to piss a day away watching horse shit, you totally can.
You can also spend an hour some day trying to decide what your name would be if you were an action film star.
Not that I’ve ever done that.
Bad ass, right?
(If I ever became a Mexican wrestler, I’d be “El Lobo Grande.”)
The first hour I spent watching an NBA exhibition game between the Raptors and a team from Lithuania, that had been played 3 days earlier, and for which I already knew the final score.
That is hardly gathering ye rosebuds while ye may.
While scrolling through a seemingly endless list of recorded programs, I decided on the pilot of “Journeyman.” (This may or may not include spoilers. I haven’t written it yet. Plus, you know, it aired a month ago.)
I knew nothing about this show, other than it involved time travel, starred some dude who seemed like he should be from the U.K., and featured the fifth hottest woman on the planet*.
(*Based on my own very scientific formula.)
The star dude IS from Scotland. He was in TRAINSPOTTING. Which, I just remembered, I have somehow never seen.
There are certain movies that I just never end up watching. There can be any number of reasons for this.
FORREST GUMP — I don’t like movies where actors play mentally disabled characters. And it beat PULP FICTION and SHAWSHANK for the Oscar that year. Duuuuude. (This is also why I never watch awards shows anymore.)
DIRTY DANCING — Just ’cause.
A girlfriend almost got me to watch it once. I was… 17? We were on the couch. The FBI warning was on the screen. I decided to use my manly wiles to seduce her as a means of getting out of watching it. I went to put my arm around her and, in some odd slapstickian maneuver, got her earring stuck in my sweater. The more we tried to unhook it, the worse it got. Eventually she managed to extricate herself from the situation. As she was in the bathroom, trying to stop the bleeding, I swapped out DIRTY DANCING for another movie.
The earring thing was completely accidental.
I ended up enjoying the “Journeyman” pilot. I didn’t looooove it, but it was decent.
I did, however, learn one valuable lesson from it:
Involuntary Time Travel Would SUCK!
I am sure we’d all love to go back in time and change things for the better. Warn the Americans about Pearl Harbour. Tell John Lennon to wear a bullet proof vest. Beg Van Morrison to never write “Brown-Eyed Girl.”
But, this dude has no control over it. He’s in the present and then *boom* 1989. (Seeing the guy at the newsstand with the Zach Morris cell phone was priceless.)
And the time travel always happens at the most inopportune times.
I am sure that it would be even worse for me.
I’d suddenly be back in the middle ages.
I’d start chatting with a busty, blue-eyed bar wench.
“Is that a chastity belt in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”
“Oh, good sir… tee hee.”
I’d consider, and then reject, the following pick-up lines:
“Could I interest you in private jousting lessons?”
“You wanna see if you can pull Excalibur out of my pants?”
“There’d be nothing torturous about being on YOUR rack.”
I’m better than that.
Then I’d settle on:
“Let’s grab some mead and head back to your place to fool around.”
Once back at her abode, we’d go through the requisite chit chat.
“You don’t have the plague, do you?”
We’d get closer…
“Yow… movies really downplay the lack of disposable razors in the midde ages, eh?”
And then *boom* I am back in the present…
And likely still typing this post.