INT. BOOKSTORE — DAY

Two 20-somethings walk through the aisles of a bookstore. She scans titles. He checks his Blackberry.

Him: “Can you hurry and pick up your latest teen vampires in love book?”

Her: “Don’t hate me for being a reader.”

Him: “I read.”

Her: “Uh huh.”

Him: “I do! I read The New Yorker and… *mumbles*”

Her: “What’s that now?”

Him: “Sports Illustrated.”

Her: “Mmmhmm. Anyway, I am here looking for something for my mother.”

Him: “In the self-help section? Is it “Perfecting Passive-Aggressiveness?”

Her: “What did you just say?”

Him: “I’m… not sure. Ambient sound and all… Your eyes are SPARKLY.”

She stares

Him: “Your boobs are perky?”

More staring.

Him: “I loooove you.”

Her: “You realize we broke up two years ago.”

Him: “Old habits.”

She turns and goes back to shelves.

Her: “Here’s one for you.”

She tosses it to him.

Him: “A Guide to Being a Nice Guy? I definitely don’t need this.”

Her: “So you think you’re a nice guy?”

Him: “Well, yeah. You don’t?”

Her: “Ehhh.”

Him: “Rude. Oh, I definitely don’t need THIS one.”

She reads over his shoulder.

Her: “Are You Good In Bed?”

Him: “I assure you, I give myself an orgasm EVERY time.”

Her: “I’m familiar with your body of work.”

Him: “What did I ever see in you?”

Her: “I’m smart, funny, sweet, gorgeous and way out of your league.”

Him: “Oh yeah. I LOVE it when women are out of my league.”

Her: “You must be happy a lot.”

Him: “You mentioned ‘sweet’ on your list of qualities?”

Her: “So tell me about this new girl.”

He leans against a shelf and smiles.

Him: “She’s like… a hurricane wrapped in perfection.”

Her: “And yet she’s interested in you?”

Him: “I’m as baffled as you are.”

Her: “I highly doubt that. (A little whiny) What am I going to get my mother?”

Him: “The ability to have unexpressed thoughts… or a muzzle?”

Stony silence.

Him: “I’ll… go ahead and wait for you at the Orange Julius.”

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20 Responses

  1. doniree says:

    I absolutely adore this.

  2. Ben says:

    hahahahhahaha you make keeping in contact with exes seem like so much fun!

    You’ll be hearing from me when my exes don’t live up to this image.

  3. Interesting. This makes me think, “huh, I should totally start dating Peter,” while also thinking “I’d love to be Peter’s ex.”

  4. Shahurath says:

    hahahahahaha.
    you’re hilarious.
    And awesome too. Clearly!

  5. Stop painting pictures of scenarios that I wish would happen to me. STOP IT NOW!!!

    :)

  6. nicoleantoinette’s comment is spot on.

    SPOT ON.

  7. Maxie says:

    Is it weird this kind of broke my heart?

    • Peter DeWolf says:

      This is such an interesting comment.

      I think, in a way, I base most “ex” dialog on my favourite ex. (And if you are reading this comment, goof, know that I love your mom.) And with favourite exes, there is always a tinge of sadness for what once was, you know?

  8. Shelley says:

    I have an ex like this, and I wish I could hang out with him at bookstores. But it might be a little too dangerous, y’know? Next thing you know, you do a double-take when you catch him looking at you with a little less humour and a little more heat, and then the easy banter ends abruptly and you’re way too aware of where he’s standing. Then he puts his hand lightly on your back when you’re leaving the store and you’re hyper-aware of his scent, and you’re awkwardly mumbling a good-bye at the car when he leans in and interrupts you with a soft slow kiss, and then next thing you know you’re trying to explain to your mom how your hair got so messed up buying her a birthday present. See? Dangerous.

  9. Actually, I do want someone to tell me to buy a muzzle for my mom!

  10. LiLu says:

    This must be fiction. Everyone knows Orange Julius went out of business!

    *sobs for the youth of America who will never taste that citrusy goodness*

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