Recently a friend asked me what the point of PeterDeWolf.com is. “Do you make money with it?”
To which I replied, “Uhm… No. I just like to write stuff…”
But, I really do enjoy writing “stuff” in here. Even on days where everything else I work on turns to poop, if I managed to write a post here, I am in a good mood.
Plus, the more I post, the more traffic I get. And I can’t deny that I enjoy seeing traffic numbers going up.
So, in the spirit of posting more, and of amusing myself, I am going to write a short story. But, I don’t know what it is going to be about yet. So, for the next little while I am going to surf the net to try to find inspiration.[Peter wanders off.]
Okay, I’m back. I bet it feels like no time has elapsed at all for you. It’s maaagic.
While checking out Tony Pierce dot com, I saw a picture that put a silly idea in my noggin. (I’ll tell you what it was later.)
Be warned that this story could indeed reach new and impressive levels of suckitude. Or I could also lose interest and end it abrubtly.
This is reality blogging, folks.
Here we go…
The year is 2031.
We are in the great city of Phoenix, Arizona, here on the pacific coast.
Other than a Soylent Green shortage, and Tom Cruise’s kid’s cult on the loose, things are going pretty well.
People are listening to Guns n’ Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” – which was just released on Tuesday – and celebrating the 5th anniversary of peace in the middle east. The world’s one true superpower, Canada, finally stepped in and stopped the violence. Prime Minster Michel Samson’s “Won’t you just fuck off and get along?” speech is repeated daily in classrooms by children worldwide.
Five blocks east of the mansion where Brad Pitt and Dakota Fanning got married is an even more important building. (No disrespect to “Brakota.”)
This building is the…
Sony Court of Crimes Against Nature, Good Taste, Humour, Common Sense & Other Junk.
(Everything has a corporate sponsor right now. The museum next door – showing a series of ‘Lauren Graham wearing cute girl glasses’ oil paintings – is sponsored by Comcast. Heck, even me, your humble story teller, is sponsored by Cialis. Not that I need it. I don’t. Stop judging me. Asshole.)
This court has dealt with such problematic issues as giant lower back tattoos on chicks, those weird dark round earrings on dudes and Ryan Seacrest’s career.
But, the trial that is currently going on is the biggest and most important one yet.
Every generation is left to clean up the mess of past generations. It is a story as old as time. This generation is no different.
U.S. President Lindsay Lohan has come here personally to make sure that everything goes well. And she is, like, super-pissed to be missing spring break in Branson, Missouri. (She and Yakov Smirnov were recently spotted making out on a table in a local nightspot.)
This trial is for an insidious form of evil.
Something that should have been stopped decades ago.
“Family Guy” is on trial. (With creator Seth MacFarlane as co-defendant.)
A show that was once rightfully cancelled, but somehow wormed it’s way back onto TVs, has recently been proven to be chock full of subliminal messages. From the relatively benign – “Wear trucker hats!” To the downright chilling – “Vote Republican!”
Studies have also proven that it causes a general dumbening amongst people who have watched it. Even having only watched it a few times – while despising every moment – can rob you of mental prowsess, and even make it difficult to figure out a good ending to a silly blog short story. Or so it is rumoured.
The trial has been going on for months, but is expected to end soon. Then hopefully we can put all of this behind us.
If you have watched the show and are worried that you are at risk, don’t stress… You’re totally screwed already.
But, on the plus side, you have a built in excuse for various stupid things you’ve done.
Stayed with a guy that was no damn good? Blame Family Guy.
Learned any kind of dance for a specific song? Blame Family Guy.
Wore, bought, watched or listened to anything with the name Jennifer Lopez (or Jennifer Lopez Jr.) attached to it? Bla — No, wait. That’s all on you. People sometimes have to take responsibility for their own actions.
You sicken me.
(Oh, this is the photo that inspired me.)