i'm still waiting for the call from her producers

Whenever I start a big new writing project, I need inspiration. Something to focus on during those long days and nights when I am giving everything I have to try to create something that will hopefully affect people on some level.

One of the most motivating things in the world, for me, is showing off for a pretty girl.

For real.

Some people will tell you that the challenge alone motivates them. But, frankly, I already assume I can do anything anyway.

Tore your ACL? Give me a pocket knife, wikipedia, a quart of whiskey and a stick for you to bite on and I’ll fix your wagon.

I also think I can fix wagons.

When I was writing screenplays I would often let myself think ahead to my date for the Oscars. (Except, of course, for the 5 years when I was gallivanting with this one.) Even though I am morally opposed to awards for art, I was thinking about what hot friend would be willing to wear the hottest dress.

Then I was doubly excited when I realized hot girl + hot dress would also be needed for the premiere.

Clearly I’ve always written for the right reasons.

When I started my novella, I didn’t have so much as a crush. (Sad, right?) But I had a story I NEEDED to tell, so I amused myself on the rough days by daydreaming a little.

One of my favourites was something I like to call…

“My first appearance on Oprah.”

I was about 14 pages into my novella when I was absolutely certain that Oprah would make it part of her book club dealie.

I mean… Come on.

I could picture it all.

I’d walk out on stage. I’d wave to the ladies in the audience.

I’d hug Oprah.

Then I’d say, “OK. Get off. That’s enough for you.”

She’d gesture to the couch.

I’d motion for the audience to cease the standing ovation.

People would throw their underwear to me.

Mostly women.

I’d take a seat. And, because I’m me, I’d be all recline-y and wishing for a coffee table to put my feet up on.

Oprah: I’m so glad you’re here today.

Peter: I bet.

Oprah: And that you opted to wear your trademark baseball cap.

Peter: I debated it. But then asked myself…

Oprah: What would Peter DeWolf do?

Peter: WWPDWD.

Oprah: What?

Peter: Huh?

Oprah: So why did you become a writer?

Peter: Naivete, ego and a general distaste for manual labour.

Oprah: When I was doing research on you, I read that you once said that telling people you’re a writer in your town would garner about the same reaction as would telling people you sodomize goats.

Peter: Sounds like something I would say. And awwwwww. You researched me.

Oprah: Well my minions did it and then handed me a single page of notes. In large font.

Peter: Oh.

Oprah: I’m Oprah, bitch

Peter: Fair point

We’d chit chat a bit.  Then take a break.

Anne Hathaway was an earlier guest, and she’d come out to talk to me.

Anne Hathaway: Hi. I loved your novella.

Peter: Thanks! I love… you.

Anne Hathaway: You’re very sweet.

Peter: That’s true.

Anne Hathaway: How would you feel about working with me to write a short screenplay for me to direct and star in?

Peter: I’d feel pretty yay! about that.

Anne Hathaway: I’ll call you.

Peter: (mumbling) Did I mention that I write naked?

Anne Hathaway: What?

Peter: Oh, nothing.

In the next segment, Martha Stewart and I would have a cook-off.

Trouble would begin when I tell her that sweet potato fries don’t deserve to be called fries.

Moments later, security would be separating us.  She’d be swinging a rolling pin at me while I yell, “Your croquembouche is sub par! SUB. PAR.”

Then the daydream would kind of fall apart and I’d go make some pancakes.

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11 Responses

  1. Ben says:

    I had a dream just like this. Would’ve been nice had I been the star instead of you though. My self-conscious hates me.

  2. Sid says:

    You make pancakes? I eat pancakes … =)

    AND I had the exact same daydream – well minus the women throwing their underwear at me. I already know what I’m going to wear for my first appearance on Oprah. Black pencil skirt. Crisp white shirt. Hair pinned up. I look awesome in my daydream.

  3. Any day dream that involves Martha stewart is bound to go badly.

  4. Man, you really know how to get to Martha. OK, you are very funny. Not that I needed to tell you that. But I’m pretty. So there you go.

  5. Amanda says:

    This is a wonderful daydream I can get behind 100%.

  6. Paula says:

    Hahaha, brilliant post! Favourite line for me?

    “Did I mention that I write naked?”

    Just a line or the truth???

  7. Sara says:

    Can I be invited to sit in the audience when you’re on Oprah? I already live in Chicago. I’ll even drive myself. Think about it.

  8. sarah says:

    Someday I will tell you my real-life croquembouche story. What happened to the part where you hit on Oprah’s makeup team?

  9. Meg says:

    I love pancakes! So… I’ll see you after “Oprah”?

  10. Bailey says:

    So, my alarm goes off at like 6am but I end up staying in bed until 7ish… but sometimes I have my cute little phone and check my email and get to read these awesome blog entries from the comfort of my bed. Makes the day much better :) It’s kind of started to be a tradition, so you can’t stop posting at 630 in the morning…. like EVER. THANKS!

  11. I have a similar Oprah fantasy, but in mine she finds it remarkable that I’m able to maintain such poise and charm after just having foiled my own kidnapping by beating up a team of terrorists in a small plane and then landing it safely in the ocean, swimming to shore with a gun tucked in my jeans waist and seawater glistening off my super toned arms. The toned arms part may be a stretch.

    Off to google croquembouche.

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