I'm like a pioneer and shit
They make you take tests before you do everything these days. Before you can start driving. Before you are interviewed for a job. “Clearly not before you are allowed to write a crappy blog post!,” you say.
While shooting the poop with the LLOB (Lovely Ladies of Blogging = Clink & Molly) yesterday, I mentioned something that I should ask women on a first date. Specifically it was something that, if answered a certain way, would likely mean that we were monumentally incompatible.
And that she was, in fact, Satan.
Because I am me, and always trying to think of something different to write about in this bastard blog, I began thinking that at the start of every first date, the two daters should exchange tests. Then they’d be filled out (with #2 pencils) and returned for grading. It’s like the SATs of getting into each other’s pants.
If one or both of you fail, then you pull the plug on the date right there.
No fuss, no muss. No searching for your underwear 4 hours later while the cab waits outside to take you home where you’ll learn that there is no shower long or hot enough to fully wash off the stench of regret and Fantasy by Britney Spears.
I’ll pause while you call me a “GENIUS!”
*brushes off shoulder*
As is also the Peter way, I took it a step further. I began thinking about what I would put on my own test.
And these are a few examples of what I came up with. There may or may not be a trick question or two.
– Boston’s “Amanda” or The Stones’ “Angie?”
– Which “Sex & The City” character are you most like?
– Where do butterflies go in the rain?
– You’ve found yourself on the edge of a river bank with a case of beer, a lemur and Lance Bass and you can only carry one thing across at a time. Would you:
a) Take the lemur first?
b) Take the beer first?
c) Take Lance Bass first?
d) Scream, cry and blame me for you having to make this decision, before bursting into uncontrollable laughter and asking me what I see in you?
– How often do you use the word “retarded” on any given day?
– Arrested Development or Family Guy?
– Giver or receiver?
– liberal or conservative?
– If you could punch one person in the dark, and never get caught, who would it be?
– TV in the bedroom, an issue?
– ’67 Mustang or ’67 Corvette?
– toilet paper feeds from the top or the bottom of the roll?
– Would you be upset if my hand ended up on your ass at some point tonight? (KIDDING. I’m kidding. It would be both hands.)
While we are on the topic…
What would be one question that you would absolutely have on your list?