I'm like a pioneer and shit

They make you take tests before you do everything these days. Before you can start driving. Before you are interviewed for a job. “Clearly not before you are allowed to write a crappy blog post!,” you say.


While shooting the poop with the LLOB (Lovely Ladies of Blogging = Clink & Molly) yesterday, I mentioned something that I should ask women on a first date. Specifically it was something that, if answered a certain way, would likely mean that we were monumentally incompatible.

And that she was, in fact, Satan.

Because I am me, and always trying to think of something different to write about in this bastard blog, I began thinking that at the start of every first date, the two daters should exchange tests. Then they’d be filled out (with #2 pencils) and returned for grading. It’s like the SATs of getting into each other’s pants.

If one or both of you fail, then you pull the plug on the date right there.

No fuss, no muss. No searching for your underwear 4 hours later while the cab waits outside to take you home where you’ll learn that there is no shower long or hot enough to fully wash off the stench of regret and Fantasy by Britney Spears.

I’ll pause while you call me a “GENIUS!”

*brushes off shoulder*



As is also the Peter way, I took it a step further. I began thinking about what I would put on my own test.

And these are a few examples of what I came up with. There may or may not be a trick question or two.


– Boston’s “Amanda” or The Stones’ “Angie?”

– Which “Sex & The City” character are you most like?

– Where do butterflies go in the rain?

– You’ve found yourself on the edge of a river bank with a case of beer, a lemur and Lance Bass and you can only carry one thing across at a time. Would you:
a) Take the lemur first?
b) Take the beer first?
c) Take Lance Bass first?
d) Scream, cry and blame me for you having to make this decision, before bursting into uncontrollable laughter and asking me what I see in you?

– How often do you use the word “retarded” on any given day?

– Arrested Development or Family Guy?

– Giver or receiver?

– liberal or conservative?

– If you could punch one person in the dark, and never get caught, who would it be?

– TV in the bedroom, an issue?

– ’67 Mustang or ’67 Corvette?

– toilet paper feeds from the top or the bottom of the roll?

– Would you be upset if my hand ended up on your ass at some point tonight? (KIDDING. I’m kidding. It would be both hands.)


While we are on the topic…

What would be one question that you would absolutely have on your list?

0 thoughts on “I'm like a pioneer and shit

  1. ooo i like this post. um…

    how do you feel about country music?


    how many times a month do you attend church?

    the answers to those questions could be definite deal breakers.

  2. Genius.

    Sadly I no longer have a need for the are we compatible questionnaire, as I’ve already found the one person in the world who is able to put up with my idiosyncrasies.

    Though on my questionnaire of the past, I’d probably have the questions…”are you ok with musicals?” and “name an actual musical.”

  3. Well the TWO questions that were on my list (“are you a Republican?” and “are you a Red Sox fan?”) turned out to be complete CRAP because I am marrying someone who is both.

    The universe likes to mess with me. Often.

  4. Clink, are you sure M and Michael aren’t twins?

    Cheese: take it or leave it?

    I could never be with a man who didn’t like cheese.

  5. Yet another great idea! In Iran this questionnaire is replaced by a bunch of nosy relatives (mostly women) who ask you an endless stream of questions. If you satisfy those, they introduce you to a crazy person you have nothing in common with.

    Also, Sex and the City sucks.

  6. My Question: (show your work; spelling counts!)

    If it gets to the stage that you actually get to see the inside of my room and sleep in my bed… are you okay sharing all of it– room, bed, me– with a goofy/sweet/slightly possesive pitbull? Because my dog HAS to sleep in bed with me, and she feels that she NEEDS to be pressed up right against me, and she will WIGGLE until she gets there. But maybe, just maybe, if you’re good, she’ll cuddle with you too.

    /question. Yes, it’s an essay.

  7. How do you feel about the snooze button?

    Would you ever order the same thing as your dining companion?

    Do you own flip flops?

    Apropos nothing, my word verification was “nypofarm,” which I somehow read as “nympho farm” – because I guess they have to grow them somewhere?…

  8. Do you consider yourself to be as funny as I think I am? Prove it.

    The obvious answer to #4 is sic the lemur on Lance Bass, drink the beer, and go for a swim. Grass is always greener on the other side of the river anyways.

  9. My questions:

    Would you say spelling and grammar important to you?

    Do you want kids?

    It's probably not going to work out if the answers to those aren't definitive yeses. (<– Ew that word looks gross.)

  10. Is there a situation where it is acceptable to wear socks with sandals? Describe.


    Is working out your biggest priority in life?

  11. DO YOU LIKE ANIMALS? How much? Prove it.

    That’s what I’d say. Of course, I think my love of animals comes across when I show my dates 42 pictures of Otis in a sweater the first time we go out. Which often times is also the last time we go out. Hm.

  12. I think this test is a great idea!

    You are never going to believe this but do you remember the list of things I want to avoid in a potential mate that I wrote on facebook…the list that pissed you off? That list played a big role in me and my guy getting together. Seriously! Who’d a thunk it? I wrote it when I was totally bored, and it was an list designed to eliminate all the men with qualities that I’d like to avoid in a perfect world…which I thought would literally eliminate all the men in the world, but I guess I was wrong. Instead, I learned that I was darn near identical to this guy and lets face it…someone exactly like me is probably my best match because there is no one in this world that I love more than myself. Hahaha

    Start printing out your tests and hand them out to random strangers.

  13. what is your myspace address?

    do you drink pepsi?

    do you have season tickets to any local sports teams?

    how often do you get drunk?

    do you plan on talking more than me?

  14. not that i need another probl…er, man in my life. I’ll bite (for the fun of it):

    I would be wary date a man that knew about Sex and the City.
    meh, not my idea, but i dont hate it.
    would be suprised it it (they) didnt.

    (figured no one else played the questionaire…)

  15. Well, you see…

    First, I take Lance Bass across, because I wouldn’t trust him alone with the Beer, or the Lemur.

    Then I go back and get the beer.

    When dropping the beer off, I pick up Lance and take him back to the original side, because, like I said, I don’t trust him alone with the beer.

    I drop Lance off on the first side, grab the Lemur, and head back across.

    Theoretically this is the point where I leave the Lemur with the Beer, go back and get Lance, and then he, the Lemur, and I get drunk and swap stories about bad frat parties in college.

    But frankly I find him irritating, so I think I’ll leave him there.

    Plus he makes the lemur uncomfortable.

    My questions:

    Do you get irritated when people answer rhetorical questions?

    Define “just one drink.”

  16. Wow, I think I love you a little.


    1. What is Dalton’s three rules?

    2. What does KITT stand for?

    3. Does the Grandfather receive redemption at the end of Flannery OConnor’s “A View of the Woods”?

    He would be my dream if he could answer me those questions. :) I’m easy to please

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