"I'll take Famous Quotes for $600, Alex."

Have you ever wondered if when people wrote famous quotes, whether or not they thought that maybe these quotes would still be used many years later?

You haven’t?

Oh. Well, that kind of puts the screwing into this entry.

What the hell… I might as well power through.

I have wondered about this. I’ve even thought about creating a famous quote of my own.

Heck, I’d be happy with writing a famous knock knock joke. Which, if you ask me, is a completely underrated comedy medium. These jokes are how kids learn how to be funny. Also, these jokes are how we learn that some of these kids are destined to be CPAs.

My favourite knock knock joke is this one…

Person A: Knock knock…
Person B: Who’s there?
Person A: The interrupting cow.
Person B: The interrupti–
Person A: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Come on. That’s gold.

I sometimes like to mess with little kids. They’ll say, “I want to tell you a knock knock joke.” I’ll say, “Okay.” Then I’ll quickly add “Knock knock.” They’ll instinctively reply, “Who’s there?” Then I’ll just stare at them. Eventually they’ll realize and say, “No no… you did it wrong!” Good times.

When they are a bit older, you can use a similar trick when they think they’ve figured out how to win at Tic-Tac-Toe every time. They ask you to play. You say “No.” They beg. You say “Fiiiiine” and then you quickly throw an X into the top left corner spot. They stare it it for a few moments. Then they say, “No no… you did it wrong! I go first.”

Torturing children is all well and good, but it isn’t getting me any closer to my famous quote.

I like imaginging a kid a hundred years in the future, snacking on Soylent Green, listening to a new Rolling Stones single, and finding a quote of mine on Google to use in his school report. Granted, Google will probably own his school and the internet will be on a chip implanted in our heads… and it’ll still be mostly porn and spam. And occasionally porn spam.

I’ve written what I thought were good lines in some of my screenplays. And I once compared Hollywood to “Thunderdome… but with fake breasts.” It got a couple of laughs. But, I want more.

I need a topic that is both ageless and speaks to a lot of people. Like Dick Clark.

Wait… I got it. LOVE.

Who doesn’t love love? It’s lovely. But, what can I say about love that hasn’t been said before?

Got it!

“Love is wanting to tear all of your hair out… and make her a sweater with it.”
– Peter DeWolf, 2006

Hmmm… that’s just kind of gross. I’ll keep working on it.

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3 Responses

  1. James Cooper says:

    Great entry — absolute hilarity. Now I’m afraid I must steal your methods of messing with children’s abilities to joke and play tic-tac-toe.

    And only “occasionally porn spam”? C’mon, occasionally???

    Lastly, I must agree that your quote is not quite the lasting variety. It might linger a few years, but it’s staying power would wane as people realized just how creepy it is. Then again, if you go for all out gross/creepy you could have an infamous rather than famous quote — that’s just as good, right?

  2. Peter says:

    Hi James —

    Thanks for dropping in.

    Feel free to use these methods on children. I like to think that it toughens them up. Or I just find it realllly funny. Hard to tell sometimes.

    Hmmm infamous quote. That’s not bad.

    Like most posts here, it was very much a first draft. So, as I was typing, I was trying to think of a quote to end it with. I got there and it was the first thing that popped (too quickly) into my head.

    – Peter

  3. Bella says:

    Wow. That quote reminds of me of Bo Burnham’s “Love Is” song. You would probably enjoy it.

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