I'll Cut Ya

If you only know me through my blog, you’d probably think that I am fairly mellow. Patient, even. Mostly because that is what I want you to believe.

Suckers.

But, I tried to lay claim to having said patience to family members this weekend. This resulted in replies that included laughs, a “Yeah, right!” and a “Holy fuck…”

Hardly a ringing endorsement, eh?

Even the ACN giggled at me. But, she wanted me to get her some apple juice, so she said “Yeah” when I asked her if Uncle Pete was a patient boy.

So, now that the lack of patience cat is out of the I’m a filthy liar bag, I figured I’d share a few of the things that could potentially lead to me cutting you.

I don’t WANT to cut you. But, sometimes you leave a dude no choice.

(Please note, that this list very much only scratches the surface of things that annoy the ever-loving piss out of me.)

– Cheering against any Canadian individual, duo or team in any kind of sporting endeavor anywhere on earth.

– Playing “Brown Eyed Girl.” (HATE.)

– Saying that Lauren Graham has “manly shoulders.” (I originally typed that as “MANY shoulders.” Which wouldn’t have been as insulting, though still kinda weird.)

– Discussing Vietnam. (Too soon. Too soon…)

– Yammering on incessantly about wine. (Nobody gives a fuck. Honestly. I saw SIDEWAYS too. I am a chicken finger connoisseur, but you don’t hear me talking about batter to meat thickness ratios, or sunflower vs. canola oil. Ass.)

– Using the phrase “as all get out.” (I… don’t know why.)

– Talking during a movie. (If I don’t know EXACTLY why the Wayans brothers are turning into white girls, I get super pissed.)

– Taking food off of my plate without asking. (Or after asking.)

– Saying anything bad about Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.

– Telling me that my lists are too short.

0 thoughts on “I'll Cut Ya

  1. oh man! we’re so not getting married, unless i get seriously ill.

    i talk during movies and snatch food off plates.

    in my own defense, i also share my own food.

    eek!

  2. I stopped cutting people six months ago. My dry cleaning bill has been drastically reduced. With the money that I’m saving, I’m going on vacation.

  3. This screams set up to me. So if I ask if I can take, say, a carrot stick from your plate, and then you say yes, and I do it, you’ll cut me?

    I DOUBT it. Can’t fool me, peter!

  4. it’s admirable that you’d cut someone in defense of lauren graham’s shoulders.
    and, in terms of cutting offenders, do you favor a shiv made out of a toothbrush? or do you use a real knife?

  5. jazz: I’m the world’s 4th pickiest eater, so the odds are not great that I’ll want anything off of your plate.

    stormin’: Since some of the players on the Stars are from Canada, we probably won’t have to settle this shiv-style. Maybe.

    airam: You’re going to have to master her “get Uncle Pete to do anything I want” smile, or the “I’m sad Uncle Pete” lower lip drop.

    mist1: I can’t even begin to believe that you ever cut someone and risked getting blood on your shoes.

    al&af: Hmmm… You are on to me. Clever. I am not sure if that makes you more or less likely to get cut. That being said, I am completely willing to share any and all carrot sticks with you. As for french fries… stay on your own side of the table, lady.

  6. kelsi: Wait… are you mocking Lauren Graham’s shoulders?! *eyes you suspiciously* As for my stabby stabby implement of choice, I just follow my bliss. When you overthink, it really shows in the performance, I feel.

  7. i would never mock manly shoulders. i have the shoulders of a linebacker, so i really would have no room to talk, even if i thought there was anything remotely “manly” about lauren graham.

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