I'll Cut Ya

If you only know me through my blog, you’d probably think that I am fairly mellow. Patient, even. Mostly because that is what I want you to believe.

Suckers.

But, I tried to lay claim to having said patience to family members this weekend. This resulted in replies that included laughs, a “Yeah, right!” and a “Holy fuck…”

Hardly a ringing endorsement, eh?

Even the ACN giggled at me. But, she wanted me to get her some apple juice, so she said “Yeah” when I asked her if Uncle Pete was a patient boy.

So, now that the lack of patience cat is out of the I’m a filthy liar bag, I figured I’d share a few of the things that could potentially lead to me cutting you.

I don’t WANT to cut you. But, sometimes you leave a dude no choice.

(Please note, that this list very much only scratches the surface of things that annoy the ever-loving piss out of me.)

– Cheering against any Canadian individual, duo or team in any kind of sporting endeavor anywhere on earth.

– Playing “Brown Eyed Girl.” (HATE.)

– Saying that Lauren Graham has “manly shoulders.” (I originally typed that as “MANY shoulders.” Which wouldn’t have been as insulting, though still kinda weird.)

– Discussing Vietnam. (Too soon. Too soon…)

– Yammering on incessantly about wine. (Nobody gives a fuck. Honestly. I saw SIDEWAYS too. I am a chicken finger connoisseur, but you don’t hear me talking about batter to meat thickness ratios, or sunflower vs. canola oil. Ass.)

– Using the phrase “as all get out.” (I… don’t know why.)

– Talking during a movie. (If I don’t know EXACTLY why the Wayans brothers are turning into white girls, I get super pissed.)

– Taking food off of my plate without asking. (Or after asking.)

– Saying anything bad about Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.

– Telling me that my lists are too short.

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  1. jazz says:

    oh man! we’re so not getting married, unless i get seriously ill.

    i talk during movies and snatch food off plates.

    in my own defense, i also share my own food.

    eek!

  2. The Stormin Mormon says:

    What if I’m watching the Senators play my Dallas Stars?

    Sorry Pete, you’d have to stab me.

  3. Airam says:

    You are a very patient boy. Now get me some apple juice.

  4. mist1 says:

    I stopped cutting people six months ago. My dry cleaning bill has been drastically reduced. With the money that I’m saving, I’m going on vacation.

  5. A Lover and a Fighter says:

    This screams set up to me. So if I ask if I can take, say, a carrot stick from your plate, and then you say yes, and I do it, you’ll cut me?

    I DOUBT it. Can’t fool me, peter!

  6. kelsi says:

    it’s admirable that you’d cut someone in defense of lauren graham’s shoulders.
    and, in terms of cutting offenders, do you favor a shiv made out of a toothbrush? or do you use a real knife?

  7. Peter says:

    jazz: I’m the world’s 4th pickiest eater, so the odds are not great that I’ll want anything off of your plate.

    stormin’: Since some of the players on the Stars are from Canada, we probably won’t have to settle this shiv-style. Maybe.

    airam: You’re going to have to master her “get Uncle Pete to do anything I want” smile, or the “I’m sad Uncle Pete” lower lip drop.

    mist1: I can’t even begin to believe that you ever cut someone and risked getting blood on your shoes.

    al&af: Hmmm… You are on to me. Clever. I am not sure if that makes you more or less likely to get cut. That being said, I am completely willing to share any and all carrot sticks with you. As for french fries… stay on your own side of the table, lady.

  8. Peter says:

    kelsi: Wait… are you mocking Lauren Graham’s shoulders?! *eyes you suspiciously* As for my stabby stabby implement of choice, I just follow my bliss. When you overthink, it really shows in the performance, I feel.

  9. kelsi says:

    i would never mock manly shoulders. i have the shoulders of a linebacker, so i really would have no room to talk, even if i thought there was anything remotely “manly” about lauren graham.

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