I wonder…

Does it mean that you’ve been too long without a girlfriend, if you contemplate inviting two door-to-door religious types into your house because the female is kinda hot?

In my defense, she looked like her.

Yesterday afternoon, just after The ACN left, I was going through withdrawal and having a good sit on my couch.

Suddenly, I heard a knock on my door. (Can there be a gradual knock on a door?)

Because I love people ever so much, and always feel like it could be possibility knocking, I cheerfully skipped towards the door thinking…

“Who in the fuck is this yutz?”

I opened the door — maybe a foot — and saw a tall clean-cut dude in a suit. From the size and intensity of his smile, I knew that he could only be selling one thing… Jesus.

Or crack, I suppose.

Regardless, he started, “We are here to talk to you about –“

“I’m Catholic. I’m good, thanks. I’m set.” I am a master at keeping conversations short.

I saw that he was carrying both a copy of the Bible and a copy of something that I can only assume was essentially Bibles for Dummies. I resisted the urge to comment that I’d need a For Dummies book to even understand that For Dummies book.

It was at this point that I noticed his lovely partner. I swear that my first thought was, “My, you are wearing a lot of clothes, eh?”

As I smiled at her, and she gave me a look that said, “I’d like to cozy up next to your sexy soul for all of eternity,” dude kept talking.

Something about traveling around, meeting people, spreading the word of something or other. He tried to lean into the slightly open door, and while he was a big guy, I am a bigger guy, so it wasn’t happening.

And then he got even smilier than before and said…

“We’re from Pennsylvania!”

It was if he had just told me that he was from a land as mythical and wonderful as New York or Paris or Dollywood.

This, of course, caught my attention. I titled my head, furrowed my brow, and said, “Really…?” I was about to unleash the snark when I noticed the lass smiling.

In my head I was doing the ‘lick two fingers, groom your eye brows’ thing and thinking, “Well, any proselytizing friend of Punxsutawney Phil here is a proselytizing friend of mine.”

But, I just smiled back. “Well, that’s great.”

He talked about enjoying the scenery in my town. I wished them luck and told them I hoped the weather held.

And that was that.

A moment in time shared.

Still, the mind wanders. What types of lines WOULD work on a door to door bible chica?

“I learn by doing. Wanna act out some of the commandments with me?”

“I can’t create wine, but I can make you whimper” (Caitlyn called this one “gross.”)

“Let me tell YOU a story about rising again.”

“Letter from Paul to the Corinthians: Nice bum!”

I have more, but I am already fearing going to hell.

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8 Responses

  1. deutlich says:

    I seriously get all kinds of rude when folks show up at my door like that

    It’s HORRIBLY MEAN of me, I know. I start out nice enough — but if they don’t get the picture quick and in a hurry the snark comes out in full force.

  2. Molly says:

    I’m going to sick my mother-in-law on you. She’ll set you straight in no time :)

  3. mindy says:

    Caitlyn was right.

    Also, try just shouting “I’M ALREADY ON TEAM JESUS” next time. Then close the door real quick. That’s what I do and it hasn’t failed me yet.

  4. JenBun says:

    At least it will be nice and warm in hell!

    Oh, and I’ll see you there!

    My mom and I just tell people we’re Buddhists. They still try to convert you, but then you just shut the door with a Zen smile on your face. :)

  5. A Lil' Irish Lass says:

    When you get the Jehovah’s Witnesses, point out to them that their visit is entirely pointless. As biblical literalists, they believe that the exact number stated in the bible (approx. 144,000 I believe) is the number of souls that will be saved from eternal damnation. I’m pretty sure they’ve hit that number long ago. In other words, they should leave you the eff alone.

    Of course, when you point this out, they go all Wicca on your ass and put a hex on your home.

  6. Essentially Me says:

    “I’m Catholic, I’m set!”

    You are hilarious.

    At least you didn’t say to her, “Neat! An erection!”

  7. JP says:

    Next time tell them you are selling something also.

    Then try and sell them on the ways of the devil. I mean with so many thoughts about the lady you definitely have the devil in you.

    If you left your house more would you maybe run into potential single girls?

  8. Peter says:

    deutlich: I am typically pretty short on patience. You know, in general. But, dude was actually very nice and not super pushy. Plus… hot girl.

    molly: She probably wouldn’t let you read my blog anymore! :(

    mindy: You and Caitlyn are both goofs.

    jenbun: A 70 year old man who lives near me once asked, “Is oral sex allowed in your religion?” They stammered and then bolted.

    lil’: But, I don’t want a hex on my home! And I didn’t even know that they could do that. Sneaky buggers.

    essentially me: If she had been around a little longer…

    jp: Ha! Clearly you’ve never been to my town.

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